“Someday, I won’t be so awkward!”
“Someday, I’ll date an amazing person!”
“Someday, I’ll be happy!”
“Someday, I’ll be successful!”
During my high school days, I’d fantasize about the friend group I’d have in uni. I’d be a moderately liberal hipstery type of guy, exploring a big city with my wholesome group of friends, like the type of group you’d see trying out themed restaurants in gentrified areas.
At the start of uni, I fell into a group like that. For like, a week or two, that is. My values conflicted with theirs, and I couldn’t be myself around them because I was constantly censoring myself to fit in. That’s something you never do in a healthy friendship. And when I did show part of my true personality, they’d react negatively or awkwardly to it. Though we were all young and dumb, the problem wasn’t them treating me unfairly or anything. I was treating myself unfairly by trying to fit into a group I wasn’t compatible with.
I’d also look forward to my future dating life. Ideally, I’d have had a meet-cute with some cute girl, then we’d have a romcom experience ending in a Real Relationship Unlike What Hookup Culture Promotes. I didn’t. Instead, I got emotionally numb sex, dates and connections that went nowhere fast, and an inner void that could only be filled by red-pilling myself to how life REALLY works through experience.
The friend group I ended up fitting in with aligned with my most unexplored value at the time: hedonism.
My dating life was a trainwreck because emotionally, I was a trainwreck. Contrary to my perceptions, a lot of other people my age were the same, so my dating life was awkward at best. The cold, strong hands of reality tore apart my idealized “someday”.
“Someday” is just a story. It’s a hopeful rationalization. It’s a self-image of an identity you may never be actualized in. If you’re holding out for one, then:
- The actual “someday” will underwhelm or disappoint you
- What the hell are you doing while you’re waiting for the “someday”?
If you think you’ll be happy or self-actualized when you graduate from school, get into a relationship, get a sex life, get a well-paying job, lift 300 lbs, win a chess tournament, get 200 likes on your social media photos, or get into a good social circle, you’re looking at yourself the wrong way.
No matter what stage of life you’re in, you aren’t waiting to be someone. You’re already someone!
When I started uni, I was a competent, athletic young guy. I ran a successful blog. I had a competitive fire in me that pushed me to do well in school. I still wasn’t happy being myself because my identity and sense of self-worth came more from what I lacked than from what I had.
Then I got the social life, the sex, and the fun times. I was happier being myself, but that happiness was still dependent on other people’s impressions of me. I still attached my identity to what I lacked: More friends, more sex, more fun times, more status, maybe a real relationship with a girl.
Then I lost all those things, and after my pit of nihilism, I was much happier with myself because I developed a solid identity outside of them that was almost independent of any subjective perceptions. I still had the “someday” of making a new circle of friends, having new adventures, and living like a responsible adult, but at the same time, I wasn’t neglecting the value of my present self.
To know who you’ll be in the future, your best estimate is your present habits and their results. It’s not a black and white before/after. You’re always moving from a point A to a point B, even day-to-day.
When reality was coldly ripping apart my high school self’s ideals, my social status was highest in the gym. Guys would compliment me on how much weight I’d lift or on the badass exercises I’d do. I’d be the most confident in the gym out of anywhere I’d go.
I’d been lifting consistently for almost 3 years, so I earned that attention, yet I devalued it. I wanted to be desired as a friend and a romantic/sexual partner, not only as an athlete. But I’d earned that “someday” through the exercise habits I’d been practicing for years.
Whereas with my social life, I wasn’t used to being in informal situations where I was an active player, not a background person. I’d done nothing to earn the “someday” I wanted!
Think of someone you want to be like. What do they have that you want? Now what did they do habitually to earn that?
To become a great creator, you need to create. You need to create things that suck and build your competence through overcoming that suck, through confronting judgement and reconciling it with your own perceptions.
To become someone who’s competent in social situations, you need to get into social situations, learn how they work first-hand, and trial-and-error your way through them like you would when you were younger. Believing pure theory about them will hurt you more than it helps you. Just look at guys on internet forums who spend their free time analyzing women’s behavior and figuring out strategies to attract them, instead of you know, interacting with women like a normal person. They’re emotional cripples.
Also, you can’t make being valued in social situations your main goal. You’re valued for what you bring to the table, not just for being at the table. Develop yourself outside of the social world while developing yourself in it.
You just read a sample of my course: Get ahead in the social world.
In this course, you’ll learn:
- How to have a solid identity that’s impossible to threaten.
- Proven mindset principles that augment your social status and your social ability.
- Deconstructions of the dating and friendship processes.
- Tested dating advice that works.
Are you ready to actualize your potential as a friend, a lover, and a force of nature in the social world?