You’ve matched with a cute girl on Tinder, Bumble, or whatever dating app you downloaded that night you were lonely and horny and feeling like doing something besides Netflix and pizza by yourself.
You’re a guy and she’s a girl, so it’s usually on you to send the first message, unless it’s Bumble.
What the hell do I say? You think. What’ll I send this fair young madam to ensure she maintains interest in corresponding with me?
Will it be a pickup line? A pun based on her name? A GIF? A paragraph about how much prettier she is than the last girl who ghosted you?
I have a personal rule for this situation:
I look at her profile, then if I can’t think of something clever to say in 5 seconds, I go with something simple like “how’s your night?”, or I’ll say something like “hola” or “bonjour” (don’t do this unless you actually speak the language, or else it’ll be tryhard and inauthentic).
Here’s why I recommend this rule for all guys.
It communicates high status
Yes, even saying something like “hola” or “how’s your night?” communicates that!
Regurgitating something “clever” does the opposite. You know what type of guy thinks clever lines will get a girl interested in him? A guy who thinks he needs those lines to get a girl!
Saying something simple yet rapport-building that isn’t a low-effort “hi” or “hey” is powerful. Even if she doesn’t respond, it communicates that you’re unwilling to take shit from or bend yourself for a girl who isn’t into you.
Any experienced guy knows that if a girl’s into you, she’s into you regardless of any tactic you use to get her interest. She’ll message you back even if you say something stupid or objectively boring.
“Clever” messages don’t actually do anything
You’re not on dating apps to make friends or “just for fun”. You want to meet girls. You want to get laid if you’re into casual sex.
Any guy who claims he’s on a dating app “just to talk” or “just for fun” has the masculine energy of a sheet of printer paper under a running tap.
There’s only one way to get a girl to respond to your messages:
Be someone she wants to respond to.
And only one way to get her to meet up with you:
Be someone she’d want to meet up with.
On dating apps, your photos are priority 1. If they don’t show her your good looks and your lifestyle, you’re getting a left swipe. If you get a right swipe without quality photos, you’re getting ignored before you even say anything.
Priority 2 is your energy. That’s where your bio and your messages come in. Your energy needs to be honest, stable, and congruent with your values.
Before you ask to meet up (or she does), you need to warm her up to you. Show her you aren’t needy by keeping the conversation going before escalating. Show her you have a life outside of her by sharing it when warranted and prioritizing it over meeting girls.
But first, you need to actually not be needy instead of just giving her the impression that you aren’t. You need to really be living an engaging life instead of deliberately taking your time to respond to her so she thinks you’re busy.
You kill your neediness by knowing…
You don’t actually want to be with most girls
Even most girls who are willing to meet up with you, if any of them are.
You want to meet girls who engage your emotions and don’t leave you questioning how they feel about you.
You want to meet girls who you don’t have to manipulate into being with you. You want girls in your life who are receptive to your genuine self.
Most girls don’t fit those standards. Most guys don’t have those standards; They’re awkward with women and their only standards are “isn’t ugly” and “isn’t ignoring me”. They don’t even know who their genuine self is!
You don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t invigorate you. You don’t want to settle for being someone who doesn’t invigorate other people. I refused to settle for these circumstances. I decided to get ahead in the social world instead of settling for being an awkward, anxious, inexperienced mess of a person. Want to know how I did it?