During a 3 AM PUA video binge, I came across this video:
It’s over 20 minutes long, so I’ll summarize it for those who don’t feel like sitting through it:
IT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT FROM A PUA VIDEO:
* Guy acts like a clown, uses canned tactics
* Basically every girl he chats up says she has a boyfriend
* The girls laugh politely and because they’re amused by what he’s doing, not out of attraction to him.
In this email, I’ll go into more detail about this mistake the guy made in all his approaches:
HE FUCKED UP BECAUSE HE WASN’T WILLING TO WALK AWAY.
He didn’t let a lack of shared values end his interactions.
He persisted, seeing if more of his clowning around would win a girl over, which it didn’t. Bargaining with a girl like that rarely does, and when it does, the resulting connection usually isn’t that great.
He would have handled those interactions better if he was willing to walk away.
A willingness to walk away is a powerful communication.
It shows that you’re a man with standards, that you’re a man who isn’t needy for female attention.
It shows that you don’t see rejection as an invitation to bargain, which means that you don’t have to bargain with other women for their attention and attraction.
And women sense that.
I want you to imagine a salesman on the street. He’s trying to sell you a sandwich, but you’re not hungry.
“Hey buddy, you hungry?” He asks you, holding up a sandwich.
“Naw, I’m good,” you say.
“You sure? It tastes amazing! 9/10 sandwich experts agree that this sandwich will improve your health and quality of life!”
“No thanks man, I’m not hungry.”
“But know this: All this sandwich’s ingredients are ethically sourced! And Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson once bought one of these from me, then came back for a second one! If you buy one, you can get a second one for 75% off!”
Maybe you’re a little tempted to buy one now, but you still aren’t hungry. You perked up when the salesman mentioned Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but you know consciously that everything he’s saying is a sales tactic, regardless of how aligned it is with reality.
PUA guys tend to come off like that sandwich vendor. They come off as salesy, needy, and manipulative, not as honest, charming, and engaging.
They treat the interaction like they’re selling, not connecting.
And that’s why girls reject them.
They come off like they’re trying to make a sale and their boss will kick their ass if they don’t meet their target, not like they’re trying to hire an employee who’ll be an asset to the company.
With the employer mentality, you’re hiring, not selling.
You want a girl who’s qualified to be with you, who’s a good fit for your company. You don’t want a transaction with just any girl who’s willing to give you attention.
Plus, girls are more perceptive than guys may think. They don’t buy bullshit unless they’re trying to sell some bullshit themselves. Deliberate affectations only work on similarly fake girls.
SO APPROACH GIRLS LIKE YOU’RE AN EMPLOYER.
NOT LIKE YOU’RE A SALESMAN.
EMPLOYERS ARE SLOW TO HIRE AND QUICK TO FIRE.
SALESMEN NEED TO MAKE SALES OR THEY STARVE AND/OR GET THEIR ASSES KICKED BY THEIR DISAPPOINTED BOSS.
During my own PUA phase, I had the “salesman mentality”. I’d can lines, assume I could win her over by making her laugh, and feel like I was balancing her on my finger and that any wrong move I’d make would make her fall.
I measured my success in dating by how many girls would be enthusiastic about me after I pulled my sales tactics.
And my success would seem completely random. My lines and tactics would work on some girls and be shot down by others.
I’d get nervous around some girls and be more confident around others.
I’d walk away from some girls I liked not because I wasn’t attracted to them, but because I was scared to escalate.
My success seemed random because IT WAS RANDOM. The girls who wanted me liked me WITH OR WITHOUT THE TACTICS AND LINES. And I couldn’t have won over the girls who didn’t like me no matter what I said or did, which was for the best.
In hindsight, my sales tactics didn’t generate any attraction. They only escalated pre-existing attraction, which is indeed random and not something that can be bought through bargaining tactics.
These days, I measure my success not by whether I’m accepted or rejected, but by whether I’m ballsy enough to make an honest move, and by how happy the girl(s) I get will make me, not by how many girls I win over or by how many I talk to or by whether I have sex.
Consequently, the possibility of rejection doesn’t scare me. When I do get rejected, it barely hurts. That’s because I’m operating based on MAXIMIZING MY OWN HAPPINESS, not on what I think will make a girl happy.
If a girl rejects me, it’s a time-saver. I’d rather find out we’re incompatible early on than a few dates in.
This experience is a prime example of this mindset:
I sat down in front of a cute girl in a coffee shop a few months ago. I analyzed her:
Her skin had a healthy glow. Good. She didn’t seem to be a smoker or a drug user. Good.
She had a cute facial structure, she dressed decently, and from what I could see of her body, she wasn’t sedentary.
She was writing notes for school, also a green flag.
She didn’t have earphones in, so I chatted her up.
“What are you working on?” I asked.
“I’m writing notes for a midterm,” she answered. She was moderately enthusiastic so far, and a bit receptive.
I would have ended the conversation or downgraded it to one of pure politeness if I saw one of these red flags:
* Feminism / leftism
* “…my boyfriend…”
* No personality
* Lack of enthusiasm/receptivity
So we talked for a bit, mostly about school. It went smoothly, then she bowed out and went back to her note-writing. I went back to the work I was doing.
Then her boyfriend entered the place and they started acting all lovey dovey in front of me.
Naw, I was only mildly annoyed.
I was happy I chatted her up before her boyfriend came more than I was disappointed about the boyfriend.
With that girl, I was willing to walk away out of security, not out of fear.
I made no mistakes during that approach, haughty as that may sound. I engaged her confidently, wasn’t needy in the slightest, and escalated the conversation with pure honesty and vulnerability, not with canned lines or tactics.
I knew that if she rejected me or wasn’t feeling me, I’d still have made myself proud by making a move. MY BEHAVIOR was my measurement of success, not her behavior.
I approached her like an employer evaluating a potential asset of an employee, not like a salesman trying to convert a lead.
If I’d had a salesman mentality, hoo boy, that’d have been a hurtful one.
If you’re having a tough time letting go of the need to earn women’s approval, it doesn’t have to be that way forever.
You have it in you to gain confidence and power in your dating life.
You may not see that within yourself, but I see it in most men who aren’t doing as well with women as they could. Just the fact that you chose to subscribe to this list means you have the drive to make your dating life what it could be.
But will you actualize your drive?
Simply reading about mindset may not be enough for you, and that’s why I’m here.
Work with me, and I won’t just give you the facts. I’ll challenge and transform your emotional world, so you won’t worry about saying or doing the wrong thing around a woman.
You’ll learn to recognize whether she’s into you, and whether she’s a worthy investment or someone you should avoid.
Of course, mindset and perceptions are only part of it.
What do you do when she’s into you and you want to escalate without coming on too strong and scaring her away?
What do you do when she’s into you and you’re into her, but you may fuck it all up and lose her?
Keep (or start) walking away from women who don’t serve you, and I’ll TTYL,
– Ben Foth