You’re in your head too much, stop it

With few exceptions, EVERY man who’s struggled with expressing himself around women has this problem:

“I get so in my head, which leads to me overthinking things and holding back too much. I don’t know how to turn that off.”

Our male brains have a bias for cold, logical analysis. This serves us well at work or at school, in bonding with other guys, and in dealing with life’s adversities. But with women, it turns them off!

Does this happen to you?:

You’re talking to a girl you like, and you don’t know what to say next. Your mind is going a million miles an hour coming up with the right things to say and the right ways to say them. You want to escalate and be more sexual in a socially calibrated way, but it just isn’t happening. Your nerves are holding you back.

You’re at the bar and you see a cute girl by herself. You want to talk to her, but your body isn’t moving. You’re overthinking your opener. “Should I say this?” “What if I say this one instead?” “What if she rejects me?” “How do I come off as confident and not nervous?” Then her friends join her or some other guy chats her up. “Well, she looks occupied. I’d rather not bother her.”

You’re on a date and you can tell the girl’s losing interest in sitting and talking with you. You’ve run out of things to say. The date’s losing its momentum. Is she gonna ditch you? What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

You’re having sex, but you can barely focus on her. Your 12-inch dick is getting limp, even if it’s inside her. “Am I fucking her right?” “Is she enjoying this?” “Why did I stop getting turned on by her when we started fucking?”

Frustrating, right?

Dr. Foth diagnoses you with an ailment known as “analysis paralysis”, characterized by a tendency to retreat into internal logical analysis when there’s something or someone right in front of you that you gotta do, and he has just the advice to cure it.

Redefine what anxiety means to you

Most people, especially the “mental illness is the most interesting thing about me” crowd see anxiety as an affliction, something to be avoided.

These people will never make anything more than mediocre of themselves.

When you numb your anxiety, you deny yourself fuel for greatness.

Look at it not in terms of “comfort/discomfort”, but in “reaction/impotence”.

When you feel anxiety, it’s because your body is FUELING YOU FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

When I see a girl across the bar and just looking at her makes me anxious, THAT’S MY CUE TO APPROACH HER. SHE TRIGGERED A REACTION IN ME, AND THAT HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING.

If I look at a girl who’s cute but I feel nothing for her, I don’t approach. Our bodies are more perceptive than we like to think. They know who’s a good match for us before we even talk to them. Ignoring this leads to boring relationships and sex built on settling and using.

Give yourself permission to be sexual

You will never get the girls you want until you’re comfortable expressing your sexuality to them in socially calibrated ways.

They LIKE IT when unfamiliar guys approach them and are interested in them, as long as they’re socially calibrated, even if the girl isn’t attracted to them.

Girls, especially attractive ones, are very sexual people, more so than guys are. Some are more comfortable with their sexuality than others, and how you treat YOUR sexuality determines which girls you naturally vibe with.

Sexually repressed guys get sexually repressed girls.

Slutty guys get slutty girls.

Selective guys get selective girls.

Confident guys get confident girls.

Insecure guys get insecure girls.

“What if I make her feel uncomfortable?”

Okay, so what?

I once had a girl have an anxiety attack over me having a perfectly innocent, polite conversation with her at a party. In her mind, I made her uncomfortable by flirting with her. In reality, I saw her sitting alone and didn’t want her to feel left out.

That was in early 2018, when #metoo was at its strongest, by the way.

If a girl reacts badly to you when you did nothing wrong, that’s HER PROBLEM, not yours. And if you approach enough girls, then eventually, one will have flawed internal schemas that will lead to her reacting badly to your presence. This is fine. You don’t want to win over a girl who hates men anyway.

Give yourself permission to be sexual. No one else can.

It’s not about hiding or not hiding your sexuality. It’s about BEING IN CONTROL OF IT.

You don’t want to be a desexed doormat of a guy, but you also don’t want to be an unrestrained overly eager “hey honey, wanna fuck?” type.

Acknowledge and be shaped by your male sexuality, but control it more than it controls you.

Stop thinking of your sexuality as something that only exists in the bedroom.

A virgin man can be more sexual than one who’s bedded 50 women. Simply making eye contact with a woman can be more sexual than having sex with her.

Your sexuality shapes every part of you: Your body’s chemistry, your eyes, your face, your voice, your hair, your muscles, your scent, the clothes you choose to wear, your subtle behaviors, your daily grind, and your accomplishments.

Recognize sexuality as a source of creation, not just as a source of pleasure.

A man shouldn’t have to have sex with women to validate his sexuality, because his sexuality exists independently of them, unless he’s a soyboy or a simp.

Historically, men have always channeled their sexualities into conquest. Conquer the world now, bed women later.

Modern men, not so much.

I plan to write an entire email about the worlds men used to create through masculine sexuality, so I won’t cover that topic here any more. Look out for that one!

Learn to be violent

Lift weights.

Do cardio.

Learn a martial art. Boxing and/or Muay Thai are my recommendations.

Physical exertion will get you out of your head. You’ll have no reason to think about anything but your body’s movement, your goals in the physical world, and the song that’s stuck in your head.

In physical training, especially in martial arts, hesitance isn’t rewarded. Action is.

Girls treat hesitance and action the same way. Only the sexual guys get the girls.

The guys who get anxious and withdrawn over sexual escalation turn girls off because the girls reflect his discomfort and become uncomfortable themselves, or they assume he doesn’t actually want sex with them (NOT A GOOD THING).

But when you’ve trained yourself to make ACTION your norm, approaching, escalating, and all that become more natural to you than hesitating.

Quit masturbating

Porn conditions you to live your sexuality purely through your fantasies.

Masturbation conditions you to release sexual tension, not hold on to it.

If you frequently masturbate, with or without porn, and especially with porn, your sexual energy will be borderline NONEXISTENT when you’re around a flesh-and-blood woman. She will be unexcited, unmoved by your presence.

Your pornographic sexual fantasies will be misaligned with what she can provide to you. Your sexual assertiveness and calibration won’t be anything but forced. The sexual energy that should naturally drive those was drained from you when you masturbated.

But what if you don’t masturbate? What if you never watch porn?

Then your sexual energy will have no choice but to move you. Your skin and hair will gain vibrancy. Your words will mean more. You’ll teach yourself to hold on to that energy instead of spilling it out all the time.

Most importantly, your sexuality will become externalized, not stuffed up in your head.

Why fantasize about being THE MAN, through watching movies and playing video games, when you can actually be him?

Why settle for jerking off to pixels, when you can have sex with flesh-and-blood women?

This is so much more rewarding than living in your head! The more you live a real life and unite your dreams with your day, the less you’ll be attached to your fantasies, especially the sexual ones.

“I’ll quit masturbating when I start having sex” isn’t realistic for guys who don’t already get laid. You don’t get laid BECAUSE YOU MASTURBATE. The energy that should shape you into a masculine, attractive man just gets spilled out of you every night.

And your sexuality stays in your head, out of sync with the real world.

But when you give up the unrealistic fantasies and keep your sexual energy in your loins, your sexuality will move from your mind to your body. It’ll become in sync with the real world.

Girls will be less likely to think of you as “creepy” or “weird” because your sexuality isn’t hidden.

Your pent-up, controlled sexual energy will push you to do real shit outside of dating and sex.

And when you do have sex, you’ll have a raging hard-on for the girl you’re with. She’ll feel the raw lust on you and love it. Erectile dysfunction? Never heard of her!

Quitting masturbation leads to a positive feedback loop where you become more comfortable and aligned with your sexuality, leading girls to be more comfortable around you and more aligned with your energy, leading you to be even more comfortable and aligned with your sexuality, etcetera.

Overall, overcoming analysis paralysis means devaluing your thought processes and developing a bias for action. This way, you learn more. This way, you do more.

In overcoming your anxieties and misconceptions about dating, reading these newsletters is better than nothing.

But working directly with someone who gets the whole picture is much more potent.

Why simply READ material from me, when you can work directly with me and empower yourself in the dating world in a more hands-on way?

Stay strong and potent,

– Ben

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