Why rejection REALLY hurts, and how to avoid the pain

For much of my life, rejection has been the bane of my existence.

I’d have dreams as a kid about a group of “cool kids” not accepting me. I remember crying when a kid next door was having a party I wasn’t invited to (I was 7, don’t hold it against me).

I wouldn’t fit in with most other kids in elementary school. I’d be on the periphery of people’s social circles at best, rarely in the inner parts.

Then when I was 10-18, I’d fall out with almost every friend group I’d get into. My teenage years were very fun, as you can obviously tell.

I’d be a somewhat accepted member of the friend group at first, then I’d say or do some Wrong Thing™ and they’d start looking for an excuse to get rid of me.

It hurt, to say the least. Was I not cool enough for anyone?

It got to the point where in my last year of high school, I said “fuck it” to fitting in with anyone and put all my energy into training, sports, and schoolwork. Everyone already had their groups and I would rather have been a hard-working, goal-achieving loner than a needy lazy bum of a loner.

Then I got into my first REAL social circle in university (after a few failures of trying to get into other ones). I couldn’t believe it. These people were inviting BEN FUCKING FOTH to their parties. I was in the inner circle this time, not just a peripheral friend.

I finally felt like a real person in the social world, not just a social ghost.

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That’s me and a buddy flexing on the friendless loners

Plus, girls would pay attention to me. Now that I was “in”, I’d have a much easier time getting to know them.

Then my ties with that social circle fell apart, and it hurt like a motherfucker, even if it was the friendship equivalent of a mutual breakup.

It hurt so much because it ripped away my identity as a “cool kid”. I was back in the hell of being on the outside of the social world.

I learned my lesson about rejection there.

Rejection hurts when you don’t have your own world to fall back on

The first girl I ever dated ghosted me, and it hurt like an even bigger motherfucker. I didn’t fully get over it until I lost my virginity to another girl a month and a half later (then the anxiety I had about that experience is a whole different story).

Again, that rejection ripped away a piece of my identity I valued: being her future boyfriend.

I idealized her to a very unhealthy extent, one that barely aligned with reality. And I got what I deserved for making that mistake.

I think back to every time I’ve gotten rejected by a peer or by a girl, and know I deserved it.

Rejection exists for a reason: To keep people apart who aren’t right for each other.

That first girl I dated? Every other girl I’ve dated? I wouldn’t go for them as I am now. In hindsight, there’s plenty of flaws in them that my current self can’t tolerate. If I redid my life from 18 knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t date any of the same girls I did (except one).

All the friend groups that rejected me actually don’t align with who I want to be, now that my identity is more solid and defined. I don’t think they’re bad people, just not the right people for me.

All that anxiety over things that added up to nothing in the end.

Anyhoo, here’s the cure to all your rejection pains: DO COOL SHIT ON YOUR OWN TIME. Don’t expect anyone to create your world but you.

(In other words, be your own mental point of origin)

The reason I was so plagued, so filled with anxiety by rejection for much of my life, was that I was expecting other people to create my world for me. I was defining my identity by what they thought of me, not by what I was doing with my life.

Before, getting left on read by a girl would hurt because it’d invalidate the “sexually desirable guy” part of my identity. I was relying on female attention to define my attractiveness, not on my own masculinity.

Getting no callback after a job interview would hurt because that would mean I was undesirable as an employee, incapable of being trusted with a normal job like the rest of my peers.

These days, rejection barely hurts me, because my world is my own. I take responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life. I don’t outsource anything to people who don’t deserve it.

I fill my time and identity with so many self-actualizing activities – training, business, writing, adventuring, etc – that I don’t have time to worry about whether someone likes me. I don’t have space in my identity for other people’s opinions. I am a self-created, self-actualized man.

I create and live in a world of man.

I can chat up new people (including attractive girls) out of nowhere and give 0 fucks what they think of me, because all my fucks are allocated towards my own growth as a man and creating my world.

Whereas before, one of my main goals in life was earning other people’s approval, which made me needy around them. I was very willing to alter myself to keep them around me, which turned them off. I only wanted to be part of their world. I wasn’t offering a world of my own.

To be part of other people’s worlds in healthy, mutually beneficial ways, you have to create and bring your own world first. Otherwise, your life will be painful rejection after painful rejection like mine used to be.

When you meet a group of cool people, you will be anxious and approval-seeking if you crave being in their world. You will be calm and non-needy if you show them your world, making them comfortable and willing to trust you.

When you meet a cool girl and expect to be brought into her world, you’ll be needy and kill her potential attraction to you. Show her your world, and she may very well want to see more of you.

Why do girls reject you?

This is a website about dating for straight men, so I imagine this question is on your mind.

You didn’t give her the right feeling, that’s why. Girls are phenomenal bullshit detectors.

Most of the time when a guy gets rejected, either he’s not aligned with a higher purpose or the girl isn’t aligned with his. Girls have a sixth sense for this stuff.

When she meets a purposeful, attractive guy, her body automatically tells her the guy is so by eliciting attraction, or respect at the very least. It’s kind of the same thing that happens in you: You see an attractive, healthy girl, and your body gets flooded with sexual tension.

When you pursue girls without vibe checking them, unconsciously feeling whether they align with your higher masculine purpose, of course you’ll get almost nothing but rejection!

If you were spending more of your time self-actualizing, you wouldn’t even care for most of those girls in the first place!

Some guys don’t get this: If a girl rejects you for whatever reason, it’s not because she’s out to get you. She’s just not right for you. Even if you got with her, she wouldn’t make you any happier. Incompatibilities would kill any potential for a healthy relationship between you two sooner or later.

You probably reject a lot of girls yourself without even thinking about it!

How many girls do you walk by on the street who don’t give you that feeling of “damn, I want her”?

For me, at least 19/20 girls I see when I’m out don’t trigger that desire. Maybe 1 in 20 is a “maaaybe”, and 1 in 40 is “damn, I gotta talk to her”.

Stop taking rejection so personally. We all do it.

I know there’s another question on your mind now:

How do I find a girl who’s compatible with me?

For most guys, this is the story: When you meet a girl, there’s either nothing there, or you’re into her but she isn’t into you, or she’s into you but you’re not into her.

Frustrating, but there is a way around that.

The more strongly you define yourself as a man, the better-quality women you’ll naturally attract to you.

That matters in every part of your life: Your psychological/emotional world, your physical material world, your social world.

The more aligned your life is with your ideals, the more ideal women will be compatible with you.

You can’t be a degenerate partygoer who gets blackout drunk every weekend and expect to get a girl who gets up to cooler things on a weekend than passing out by the toilet.

You can’t be a loner geek and expect to date a cool, popular girl with a strong social circle. Sorry to all of you loner geeks who expect a Hollywood romance with one of those girls to come your way someday.

You can’t be a lazy fatass who can’t run 50 metres without getting winded and expect to get a healthy fitchick with a lean, toned body.

Even if your ideal self is any demographic of a dynamic, worldly, capable, masculine man, you won’t get the best women until you ACTUALLY ARE him.

The same standards you apply to the women you want must also be applied to you.

Unite your ideals with your reality.

When those two aren’t united, your outer self will not be very defined. You’ll get with similarly undefined, directionless girls at best, though painful rejection after painful rejection is more likely.

But when you unite your ideals with your reality…

When you put in the reps to get good at that thing you want to do…

When you create your own adventures and your own cool experiences instead of just expecting to tag along on other peoples’…

When you forge yourself a strong body, mind, and spirit…

When you create your own world as a man…

The wrong girls will fade from your view.

The right girls will see you doing what you do and they’ll want to be part of your world.

And if you get rejected by someone, you’ll just brush it off. You’ll have plenty of better things to give a fuck about.

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