Maybe every girl you date is crazy, like “slash your tires because you left her on read” crazy.
Maybe they’re all fat and sedentary, and you do your best to appreciate them, but you secretly wish you had the confidence to go for the salad-eating, yoga pants-clad girls with squat booties instead.
Maybe they’re all low on self-esteem. Honest conversations turn them off. You have to play with them and hurt them to keep them into you.
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be with any of those types.
So if your dating life’s full of them, why is that?
You date girls with issues because YOU have issues
I had this problem in the early years of my dating life.
I’d usually date and sleep with anxious girls. Girls who were ashamed of being themselves, who got validation through sex, who repressed their positive emotions because they didn’t align with their identity as a broken person.
Those were the girls I deserved at the time, because I was also anxious, ashamed of being myself, seeking validation through sex, and repressing my lust for life because it didn’t align with my hedonistic values.
I did try going for higher-quality girls, but I couldn’t keep one. My low self-esteem both turned them off and made me shy away from pursuing them more aggressively.
In hindsight, I could have gotten those higher-quality girls. I just didn’t feel deserving of them, so I assumed they wouldn’t like me. But actually, some high-quality girls genuinely wanted to get to know me and I was scared to face their righteousness, because that would have exposed me as an incomplete young man.
Incomplete men get incomplete women.
Like me with the anxietygirls. Like the men who complain all women are crazy, then go only for the crazy women while ignoring the healthy bond-seeking ones. Like any man with low self-esteem who screens out women with high self-esteem.
We’re naturally drawn to people whose emotional worlds align with ours.
Confident, high self-esteem people date other confident, high self-esteem people. They don’t have the patience nor the energy to deal with severe insecurities and destructive habits in a partner.
What’s their more rational option? Dating someone who’s broken and only MAAAYBE getting to fix them? Or simply dating someone with their psychological world in check who’s already working to better themselves?
Insecure people with issues date each other because they’re the only options they can get. Healthy, issue-free people don’t have the patience nor the energy to let insecure, neurotic people drag their life down.
People who believe they deserve to be mistreated date people who are ready to mistreat them, even if they say they should be treated like a king or queen. Every bad relationship out there is both parties’ fault.
People who don’t tolerate disrespect and manipulation actively avoid dating people ready to disrespect and manipulate them.
People whose dating lives are built on using others, for sex or resources or attention, are turned off by people whose emotional worlds run on honesty and unconditional self-expression, and vice versa.
Fit and healthy people date other fit and healthy people (unless they don’t feel they deserve to). They don’t bust their ass in the gym, eat whole foods, and keep their health in order so they can date someone who never exercises, eats fast food and binges on soda, and doesn’t care for their body.
High-quality people know what they can get because their psychological and material worlds are in order, so they don’t settle for anything less.
Low-quality people attract their own level of partner. They only vibe with people whose psychological flaws match up to their own, because sexually bonding with a higher caliber of person would force them to introspect, to invalidate their own identity, to evolve onto a higher-caliber level of existence. And they’d rather stay in their comfortable misery.
That’s why if you struggle to attract women on a high level of existence, and only get low-quality ones…
You don’t believe you deserve any better
Have you ever met a girl who’s really attractive and dynamic but whose boyfriend is a mediocre, boring Joe Schmoe?
Or a guy who’s fit and put-together, but whose girl is fat and homely?
Why do those people settle? Don’t they deserve someone who matches up more to them?
One possibility is that the objectively less attractive partners have hidden depths you haven’t seen, and that’s what really captivated the more attractive partners.
Buuut this is real life, not a Hollywood movie where the geek gets the hot girl, or the fat chick gets the stud.
It’s far likelier that the more objectively attractive partners are just settling.
They may be a real catch in the external world, but that belief doesn’t align with their internal world. Their self-image is dissociated from who they really are, and their dating life bends to that.
So they settle for less than they can get.
The guys with an inaccurate self-image don’t boldly go for the girls who REALLY turn them on.
The girls with an inaccurate self-image don’t make themselves receptive to the guys who REALLY know how to treat a girl.
This happens frequently in people who were unattractive or repressed in childhood/early adolescence and got more attractive or sociable in later adolescence/adulthood.
Their body may have evolved into a more attractive one, but their self-image is stuck in “ugly, undesirable, repressed” mode. Though it won’t necessarily be that way forever.
If you date crazy girls, or insecure girls, or wishy-washy, emotionally empty girls who make your dating life a headache, then you won’t date anything better until you level up your self-image and your standards for yourself.
The only way to forge your self-image into a better, more accurate one is to take action. Take risks. Let go of the bullshit stories you tell yourself about who you are. Approach the attractive girls who you wrongly assume are “out of your league”, and be your best self with them. Do the cool things you’ve always fantasized about doing but never got around to.
Day by day, consistent action will shape your self-image into a more solid one. You’ll define yourself by what you do in the real world, not by some abstract self-image that isn’t even real.
And if you want some guidance, wisdom, and real-time feedback along the way, I’m here for you.