There were so many seats in the coffee shop this girl could have taken, and she chose the one directly in front of me, at the edge of a long table.
Her body was trim, clad in leggings. Her skin was clear and healthy. And I got an intelligent vibe from her. Awesome.
No question she found me attractive, seeing how nervous she was deliberately taking the closest seat to me.
So I took a break from getting work done on my laptop and talked to her.
And it went nowhere.
She sunk the interaction. Her nerves overwhelmed her. She didn’t want to be vulnerable with me, despite her obvious attraction to me.
Some guys in this situation would be scrambling to say the right thing to get her not to be so nervous and to open up.
But I just let her go. Didn’t even go for her number. “Nice meeting you” and all that.
You may be surprised how many girls are like this.
Some guys, especially anxious guys, don’t get it when an interaction with a girl dies or goes badly:
Maybe SHE fucked up
Women are people, obviously. And people make mistakes. People get nervous in unfamiliar situations. People don’t always have healthy internal schemas and patterns of behavior. Nobody’s perfect and we all have our lessons left to learn.
For every guy out there who’s nervous, insecure, and self-sabotaging with the ladies, even if he’s otherwise a decent catch, there’s a girl who’s that way with the gents.
Women aren’t social skills goddesses.
Even the most beautiful women get nervous around men they find attractive. They don’t always know the right thing to say or do, and they can be awkward.
So when you’re talking to a girl and she likes you, buuut she self-sabotages and misaligns her actions with her want for you, all you can do is let her go.
Why settle for a girl who’s unwilling to be honest about liking you?
A girl who values honest self-expression wouldn’t settle for a guy who can’t be honest about his own thoughts and feelings with her, and you should have that same standard.
If you’re a guy whose sexual relationships run on honesty, trust, and vulnerability, you shouldn’t settle for a girl who can’t reciprocate those things! You can do better than girls whose psychological worlds run on fear and pain!
Even honest, open girls have their insecurities and anxieties. The difference between them and the dishonest, closed-off ones who get held down by their neuroses is that they value higher things above their insecurities. Their self-perceptions are based in better things than fear and pain, so they easily counter their inner negativity with an abundance of positivity.
Does that all make sense?
Some men (and even some women) perceive themselves as socially awkward, and women, especially attractive women, as social skills goddesses who have their inner schemas about dating and sex and their social life completely in order, so their dating strategy is based around conforming to what they think a woman expects of them.
They jump through hoops to earn her approval but strangely, don’t expect her to do that for them.
Jumping through hoops only works with women who want men to jump through hoops for them. Those women are narcissistic and don’t have healthy internal schemas of sexual relationships. That’s why a “prove yourself” dating strategy is pure pain with no gain. Why does the man think he should convince the woman to be with him while she doesn’t have to do the same for him?
The “women should be social skills goddesses” perception affects women negatively too.
Either she sees herself as awkward and lesser compared to the “normal” or “prettier” women (even if she’s good-looking herself), and her confidence in the dating world suffers…
This type of woman can be a good catch for you, IF she’s committed to working through her insecurities and developing better internal models of the world. If not, let her go. It’s easier to get with a woman who’s already healthy than to try fixing a broken one.
Or she gets narcissistic and expects men to jump through hoops to earn the privilege of dating a goddess like her (when really, this is the female equivalent of compensating for a small penis).
You want to avoid women like this completely. Having a healthy attitude about women and dating will screen these types out, so don’t worry about them too much.
Why people self-sabotage
Maybe they’re inexperienced with dating and feel they don’t deserve a partner.
Maybe they’re clinging to a bullshit story about who they are that’s misaligned with reality.
Maybe they’re blind to their positive qualities, or to the machinations of the world.
Maybe they don’t have a lot of real life experience, and are therefore unconfident in interacting with people who have much more of it.
When a girl self-sabotages with you, don’t overthink it. She’s not right for you anyway. Her psychological inadequacies aren’t your responsibility. If you’re an honest, giving guy with his social skills in order, you can get an honest, giving girl with her social skills in order.
When you self-sabotage with a girl, learn from it and don’t repeat the mistake. The times you self-sabotaged will hurt more in hindsight than the times you got rejected.
And if you’re having a tough time with self-sabotage and limiting beliefs, work with me. I’ll be your personal trainer for your psychological world. We’ll take your self-confidence and sense of sexuality from scrawny to brawny.