Two guys in the last couple days have approached me with the same problem:
How can you tell if a girl’s LTR material?
Both guys are in their mid-20s, dating to marry. One guy was “maybe” about sleeping around along the way, the other is pretty set on saving sex for a serious relationship.
Honestly, that’s what most guys want. Most guys are happiest in a committed relationship with one great girl.
Some guys prefer more casual things: Casual dating, friends with benefits, purely sexual relationships, spinning plates.
Both of these forms of dating have their advantages and disadvantages. Having a deep relationship with one woman means saving your sexuality only for her. Having multiple women means sacrificing a certain depth/intimacy between you.
What REAL benefit will an LTR bring to your life?
It’s not about WHETHER you want an LTR. We all do at some point.
It’s about WHY.
If you have a major hole in your lifestyle, psychology, or overall well-being, getting into a relationship won’t fill it.
Some people seek LTRs because they unconsciously want to justify their existence through another person. They’re not their own mental point of origin.
This leads to codependent relationships at worst, and relationships that start out great but gradually fall apart at best. Even if you have work, hobbies, and a social life going for you, you may still make your girl the center of your world.
You should go for an LTR when you have an abundant, fulfilling life with or without a girl in the picture. Then you share your world with her. She’s an important part of it, but not its center.
To be a better partner and attract better ones, optimize the 3 fundamentals of attraction. Otherwise, you will likely attach yourself to a sub-optimal partner or just flounder through your dating life.
Your biochemistry determines how attractive the girls you can “afford” are.
Your positioning determines which girls you meet.
Your psychology determines which girls you naturally vibe with.
Before you even consider LTR, you need to have these 3 domains of your life in check. Biochemistry because you want your future children to have strong genes. Positioning because you can’t meet or support a partner if you don’t have a place in the world that suits you.
Now let’s talk about psychology, because it’s the foundation of a quality LTR.
Why you date the girls you date
If a young guy is “dating to marry”, I recommend he go AGAINST his conscious values and date casually, especially if he’s been burnt in a previous LTR or is very inexperienced with the ladies.
I’m not against the idea of serious, committed relationships. I just think that when you’re in your teens or 20s, you shouldn’t pursue one unless you and your partner are psychologically developed enough to handle it.
Some young relationships do stand the test of time, but most fail because of initial immaturity followed by divergent psychological growth, or because of the guy investing his identity too heavily into the girl, losing his masculine sovereignty.
I recommend LTR-seeking young guys date a bunch of girls, or even just approach a bunch of girls, and think about this: What’s the common thread between them?
Why were you drawn to those girls?
What about you attracted them?
You don’t date anyone accidentally.
Your unconscious values may be misaligned with what you consciously think they are.
If the common thread is something you like, like being a fitchick or being intellectually developed, that’s just you having a type.
But if it’s something you take offense to, like neuroticism, walking all over you, or wanting to hook up on the first date (if you’re set on saving sex for an LTR), that’s not the girls’ problem. That’s a you problem.
If you date a girl you have friction with, or do an approach that goes badly – THIS IS A GOOD THING. IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR REFLECTION AND GROWTH. It’s an opportunity to dive into your unconscious and figure out what’s REALLY motivating you.
Your dating failures should show you what about you is misaligned with who you should be. Appreciate them.
A lot of these young guys who want just one “high-quality woman” actually don’t have a read on the traits of a REAL high-quality woman, because they refuse to pursue failure in the dating world, instead waiting for the right woman to come their way before dating. Does that ever work out?
They think being a high-quality woman is all about chastity and wearing cute dresses. That is NOT the case.
Your two selves
With one of the guys, we talked about the concept of your “light self” and “shadow self”.
Your light self serves higher ideals: Truth, love, connection, growth, abundance.
Your shadow self serves lower impulses: Power, using, domination, destruction, scarcity.
For a healthy psychological world and consequently, healthy relationships, you need to be acquainted with both of those sides of you.
Otherwise, your dating failures will point out where you’re missing integration in either side of yourself. It’s your choice whether to acknowledge the lessons you need to learn, or to stay in ignorance.
When both are integrated, you acknowledge your lower impulses but transmute them into actualizing your higher ideals.
But if you only know light, your shadow can come out in destructive, unprecedented ways.
Some people can be generally good, wholesome people, but suddenly snap – do destructive things or simply have the impulse to, and be bewildered by what’s happening.
They will not be psychologically integrated until they get acquainted with those low-level impulses, understand why they truly feel them, and direct those primal drives into actualizing their light. Until then, their shadow will attack them by surprise.
Those people are primarily light-driven but lack integration with their shadow.
Other people are primarily shadow-driven but lack integration with their light.
Those people’s lives are driven by an unsatisfied craving – usually for sex, power, or attention. They only have enough light to keep their shadow within social boundaries.
They will not be psychologically integrated until they find a purpose of being beyond themselves, until they genuinely desire to bring light into the world. Until then, their life will be an endless chase for gratification.
Watch how this concept plays out in your dating life.
If you date an amazing, giving, generous girl, but something about you turns her off and pushes her away, you gotta ask yourself: What direction do I need to grow into for an even better girl to come my way? In these cases, she liked your light, but you lacked power over your shadow, and it came out in ways that dimmed your light.
You weren’t properly acquainted with your shadow. It controlled you more than you controlled it.
An example from my life: A few years ago, I dated an objectively high-quality girl. We liked each other, but she ended up being turned off by my sexual neediness. At the time, I thought I just tried getting too physical too soon. But in hindsight, I didn’t keep her because I was too shadow-driven, and that clashed with her being light-driven.
If you date girls who are insecure, looking to use you, or who are letting themselves decay, you’re shadow-driven. Your dating life won’t get better until you find your light and let it shine (is Katy Perry still relevant?)
Your light and your control over your shadow will repel shadow-driven girls, somewhat attract unintegrated light-driven ones (who’ll fear their shadow coming out around you instead of embracing it), and strongly attract similarly integrated girls.
For a healthy LTR, you need a girl who has both her light and shadow integrated. She knows herself. She knows what she’s capable of. And she chooses to prioritize her light above her shadow. She has an idea of how she’s growing, and she’ll only want a guy who’s growing in that same direction.
This is basically what a “high-quality girl” is – A girl who’s biologically fit and healthy, has a good position in the world, AND HAS BOTH HER LIGHT AND SHADOW SELVES INTEGRATED. Knowing this, it’s obvious what a high-quality guy is like.
Now here’s where a lot of marriage-seeking guys go wrong with their standards:
Past 20 years old or so, you almost certainly can’t LTR or marry a girl who’s confident in her sexuality and also doesn’t have a sexual past.
Women are people, after all. They have their lives.
If she’s light-driven but doesn’t have a sexual past, it’s likely (but not certain) that she’s dealing with sexual shame due to social conditioning. She has her sexual impulses, she’s just dissociated from them. Warming her up to sex with you can take a while, and it does take a combination of relationship security, biological attraction, high status, and psychological compatibility.
Here’s one upside of a long-term relationship if you’re psychologically integrated: You can safely explore your shadows with each other. Keeping them repressed won’t do any good.
Don’t expect the inverse from a shadow-driven girl. They fear the light.
Keep in mind that women want sex more than men do. Many high-quality women out there will have been with other men before you, and you need to accept that if you want a healthy relationship with one.
Yes, you can find a high-quality woman who’s a virgin, but they’re rare in the western world, and will likely already be in a serious relationship from a young age. Don’t let a want for a virgin blind you to the non-virgin women who may be an amazing fit for you. You’re never going to like 100% of any woman in any case.
Here’s one more concept that LTR-seeking guys tend to miss:
Subconsciously, LTR-seeking guys may mold themselves to what they think an abstract “future wife” wants from them. They may have a significant portion of their identity invested into being a future “good husband”.
This stunts their progress in developing their manhood, as manhood is sovereign by nature.
A healthy identity is rooted in things you can control.
You can control your work, your hobbies, and your life decisions…
But you can’t control women. You can’t control whether you meet a girl who’s a great fit for you beyond the work you do on yourself and your life.
So if you invest your identity in having a potential future wife/girlfriend, your energy is going towards a fantasy that may not be what you really want.
Instead, trial-and-error your way through a bunch of girls. Show yourself how things actually are, not just how you’d like them to be. This may be painful, but it’s necessary for you to know yourself.
Maybe an LTR actually isn’t your best option.
Maybe you want an LTR just to prove something to the world, not because it’ll actually make you any happier.
Maybe you have plenty of psychological growth ahead of you before you’re really ready for one.
Detach your ego from your relationships, then you’ll have better ones.
If you’re in your 20s, it’s normal not to have yourself entirely figured out. A lot of psychological growth happens in these years compared to later decades of your life.
And if you get into a relationship while you don’t have yourself and your direction in life figured out, it’s likely that eventually, you and your partner will go separate ways.
Relationships are amazing for psychological growth, even if they don’t last. Whatever your past experiences are, no matter how much they hurt – see what you can learn from them. Again, what about you was misaligned with who you should really be?
You should be an independent, sovereign man who doesn’t define himself by his woman or women. Put your energy into building your life up independent of women, then find women who align with your vision for your life.
Get fit because you want to be a strong man, not so much to attract women.
Work because it’s what a man’s gotta do, not so much to provide for a woman.
Have your adventures, make your friends, say what you say and do what you do because it’s WHO YOU ARE, not so you can be who you think women want you to be.
Being a good boyfriend or husband comes way after being a good man.
For one-on-one coaching on psychological integration, vetting and vibe checking women, and becoming a more potent, more attractive man…
Catch you later,