Psychology – the third fundamental of attraction (Part 1: Emotional worlds and self-perception)

Game and social status are necessary traits in attracting the best women for you, now let’s get into the source of the energy women crave from you beneath the superficial stuff:

Your psychological, emotional, spiritual world.

A healthy body full of testosterone will viscerally attract a girl, a high position in the world will make her objectively see you as a man of value and make her comfortable openly associating with you…

Game and tactics will make things fun and exciting, not procedural and mundane…

And an emotional connection will make her want to stick around you and really give herself to you.

What It Means to Have an Emotional Connection
Is that even comfortable?

Biochemical attraction and good positioning may lead to hookups and brief dalliances that fizzle out, but when psychological attraction is thrown in, those dalliances won’t be so brief.

You won’t just want to fuck each other. You’ll feel like you really GET each other, and that your connection goes beyond the superficial and transactional.

And this can be a good or a bad thing, depending on your own psychological development.

Aligning emotional worlds

Have you ever met a girl and felt something between you immediately “click”? Like you’ve known each other much longer than you really have?

Maybe not right at the start, but after you talked to each other for a few minutes, did neither of you want to leave the other?

With most girls, there’s absolutely nothing there. Things fizzle out after a few minutes, or you don’t feel a reason to talk to her at all.

This is natural. You’re naturally drawn to girls whose psychological worlds overlap with yours. Misalignments in that domain often kill the chances of a deep relationship even beginning.

If you’re a man with a high IQ, then a low-IQ woman won’t appeal to you for more than a potential hookup (if she’s reeeally pretty). You simply won’t have anything to relate to her over. You exist in two different worlds of intellect.

This is also why objectively super-smart people tend not to be very sexually experienced in both the short and long-term. The high-IQ dating pool is literally much smaller than the average-IQ dating pool (and a lack of development in non-intellectual pursuits often contributes to their weak results in dating).

(This isn’t always true, but the 75-115 IQ dating pool is a major fuckfest)

More importantly than raw intelligence, your emotional health and your values determine which girls you naturally vibe with.

Confident men date confident women.

Insecure men date insecure women.

Honest men date honest women.

Manipulative men date manipulative women.

Let’s go through some scenarios where matches and mismatches happen.

An insecure man tries to date a confident woman. His “confident alpha male” game gets her into him for a bit, curious about what lies beneath it. Maybe they go on a few dates. But eventually, the tactics run out and his constructed persona cracks. The woman loses all attraction to him because being with an insecure man makes HER feel insecure, and that’s not the fuel her emotional world runs on.

Then that insecure man meets a similarly insecure woman, and despite their dramas and neuroses, they have amazing chemistry. Their shared lack of confidence aligns and fuels each other’s emotional worlds. They unconsciously bond over their shared insecurity. If one partner gains confidence while the other doesn’t, the relationship WILL fall apart though.

Now let’s say an honest man tries to date a manipulative woman. She’s kinda cute and he’s going through a dry spell, so he might as well give her a chance. She thinks he’s kinda cute too but isn’t very set on him (biochemistry and positioning somewhat align but not entirely, plus there’s the psychological mismatch).

She teases him and deliberately takes her time to text back. At one point, she goes radio silent for a week. Then she texts him “sorry for replying so late, I never check my texts lol”

The man assumed she just lost interest, so he’d already moved on from her. He reluctantly texts her a little more, trying to get to know her a bit before setting up a date. But she keeps playing around, so he ghosts her.

One thing you may have missed: The honest man and confident woman in those above scenarios had their own unmentioned flaws in their respective honesty and confidence, though they were quick to rise above them. You don’t accidentally date who you date. Every connection takes two people.

The confident woman just wanted to feel wanted. Maybe it’d been a while since she’d really felt like an equally confident guy desired her. She liked the attention from the insecure guy and gave him a shot because of his game, but when he ran out of game and showed his true self, his attention lost its value.

The honest man was feeling lonely, so he decided to make a move on a kinda-cute girl who just happened to be near him. And then he learned his lesson about shooting beneath your standards.

Self-perception and emotional wounds

Your self-perception is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Narrative bias is a hell of a thing.

Self-perceive as a victim, and you’ll position yourself as one, even if no one’s out to get you. You’ll create situations where you’re the poor, offended one and truly insignificant things become personal attacks.

Self-perceive as someone who should always be better than other people, and you’ll naturally select company that’s beneath you. Being around people who surpass you in any domain won’t align with your worldview, so you’ll naturally reject them.

(This is different than striving for improvement. In this case, you DO want to select company that surpasses you, so you can rise to their level)

Self-perceive as uncool and low-status, and even if people around you respect you and think you’re worth getting to know, you’ll default to thinking that they secretly dislike you and can’t wait to be rid of you.

Your self-perception will make you naturally vibe with girls who have similar self-perceptions. Heroes date heroes. Victims date victims. Altruists date altruists. Narcissists date narcissists. Winners date winners. Losers date losers.

Letting go of your identity attachments and letting your identity be strong yet fluid is crucial in developing healthy, high-vibration relationships with both yourself and other people.

Viewpoint: Neuroscientists cannot afford to ignore differences ...

This means overcoming old emotional wounds and limiting beliefs. Everyone has them. No one had a perfect childhood or adolescence.

Maybe you weren’t cool in high school. The girls didn’t want to be with you, and you never really fit in with the guys.

Maybe you’ve never gotten more than 20 likes on a new profile picture, and you never experienced girls actively choosing to be with you. Growing up ugly wasn’t kind to you.

Maybe you lost a parent, or your parents divorced, or your parents were abusive or weak, and you grew up not properly relating to men and women.

Maybe you grew up socially stunted for whatever reason.

In any case, these past experiences can’t be an excuse for your present and future lack of success.

In your past, you may have been a product of your circumstances. But your future self is yours to create, now that you’re older, more independent, more experienced, and more knowledgeable.

From now on, you will be a product of your choices.

Plenty of guys who didn’t do well with the ladies earlier in life end up doing way better after a couple years of self-development. (and coaching is the best way to accelerate that)

Truth is, being “cool” isn’t really about fitting an objective standard. It’s more about uncovering your humanity and authenticity from beneath traumas, baggage, and limiting beliefs you’ve accumulated throughout your life.

That’s why some people can be cool in high school, but rest on their laurels and have their “coolness” decline in their late teens, 20s, 30s, and onward. They never developed a solid sense of self outside of conforming to their tribe.

Truth is, you have more power over your looks than you may think. Your day-by-day dietary decisions, hormone balance, and exercise (or lack thereof) either slowly shape your body into a more biochemically attractive one, or into one that’s less so.

Someone with great genetics can still look good eating fast food every day, and drinking and smoking weed every weekend at 19, but at 29, the damage will have added up.

Truth is, if you didn’t get the typical teenage developmental experiences – the first kiss, the first relationship, getting your driver’s licence, fitting in with a tribe of peers that share your values – that doesn’t make you a loser forever.

If you’re not dead, you can do the deep, inner, psychological work to transcend your past baggage, and form a solid sense of self that moves you forward in life and gets you what you want. (again, coaching is a major asset in this!)

And incomplete guys who don’t do that self-development end up with similarly incomplete girls.

This happens for a reason – women are a mirror to men. They’re emissaries of nature, showing men their strengths and their faults. Smart men take the feedback and grow. Not-so-smart men stay stagnant.

So if you constantly get girls who are lacking in biochemistry, positioning, or psychology, or no girls at all, that’s a mirror of yourself.

Even if you think you’re fine and it’s just the girls you date who suck, you’re not dating them accidentally. If you’re so high-quality, why aren’t you screening out the lower-quality girls? For there to be psychological chemistry between you two, the rough edges of your psychological worlds must align.

To GET somebody of quality, you must BE somebody of quality.

And that starts with getting yourself – getting what makes you tick, which emotional wounds and insecurities are motivating your behavior, then rising above them.

Your end goal is to integrate every side of your personality.

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