As a young man who wants to make it in the dating advice industry, I like to see what other guys in it are doing. I watch their videos, read their blogs, and look at their sales pitches.
Last night, I came across this piece by Dr. Nerdlove. And all I gotta say about it is JEEZ MAN, GROW SOME BALLS.
SHIT FUCKING HAPPENS.
Here’s the tl;dr of what went on there: He flirted with a woman at a bar during Comic Con, touched her hair playfully, she didn’t like that, and he backed off. A year later, a friend of that woman told Dr. Nerdlove that the woman felt violated, and he felt compelled to make a public apology.
Well, fuck. Let’s cancel Dr. Nerdlove for being a sexual harasser. Take away his livelihood and send him to jail just because he miscalibrated a flirtation.
At least he made a public apology, right? Let’s take a day off his sentence for that.
On the surface, this seems like the right thing to do. He made a woman uncomfortable, and he’s gotta own up to that.
Beneath the surface, Dr. Nerdlove’s response actually made it WORSE, and here’s why.
If you’re a man who’s unashamed of his sexuality (while still respecting women’s boundaries and autonomy, of course), then making a woman uncomfortable at some point isn’t a question of IF, but WHEN. (On the bright side, that’s not a woman you want to be with anyway)
And making a woman uncomfortable isn’t the end of the world. No one’s social skills are perfect, even women’s. You may accidentally step over a boundary, especially if alcohol is involved, even if you’d never commit rape or sexual assault in a million years. A woman may misinterpret something innocent you did as a creepy gesture. You may misinterpret her body language, again, especially if alcohol is involved.
One time, I was at a party and saw a girl sitting by herself looking uncomfortable. I sat by her and made some casual conversation cause I didn’t want her to feel left out.
Later, one of her friends told me “you flirted with her and made her uncomfortable”.
Girl, you’re a dumbass.
Imagine if I handled that like Dr. Nerdlove did.
“Oh my god, I’m so so sorry, so ashamed of angering a female, what can I do to make things right between us?”
Women aren’t social skills goddesses. Don’t assume you did something shameful just because she reacted negatively to you. Maybe SHE’S the one with faulty mental models.
You can’t be a man who’s unashamed of his sexuality and never experience a woman reacting poorly to you, especially in the modern era, where our sexual roles as men and women aren’t very clearly defined, and proper ones are shamed more than they’re praised.
Dr. Nerdlove completely lost the frame here and is letting the woman’s shame and discomfort become his. He’s letting that define his reality, and not letting himself have as much of a say in it.
The proper thing to do here would have been to REFRAME THE SITUATION.
Dr. Nerdlove should approach the situation in a more high-vibration way. To make things truly better, not to throw blame and shame.
Shit happens. That’s the mantra.
He made an advance on a woman that she didn’t like? Shit happens. Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. Let’s not make an advance on her like that again. Being more mindful of her intentions and overall energy is the right thing to do here.
She felt uncomfortable being around him? Shit happens. You can’t please everyone. Let’s forget about her and move on to women who are comfortable being around you.
Dr. Nerdlove’s best option would have been to frame the situation as a simple mishap, then move on from it. Framing it as a major mistake unnecessarily escalated it, a year after it happened.
Here’s what I have to say to Dr. Nerdlove and to any guy who’s ever accidentally stepped over a woman’s boundaries:
You didn’t rape her. You didn’t force yourself on her. When you saw she was getting uncomfortable, you backed off. You respected her right to make her own decisions. What the fuck are you ashamed of? SHIT HAPPENS. You can’t please everyone.
There’s a difference between forcing yourself on a woman and simply miscalibrating a flirtation. The former is a serious boundary violation, as women can’t defend themselves from physical attacks like men can. The latter is just an awkward mistake.
If you want to avoid these overreactions in the future…
Stay away from women who have issues with men
Learning to vibe check women (and people in general) will save you from ever dealing with a situation like this.
Because honestly, there’s a demographic of women out there who demonize masculinity. And those women are incapable of having a healthy relationship with a masculine man.
These women are low-vibration and very bad material for any sort of sexual relationship. You’re best off screening them out from the start, not trying to win them over.
High-quality women love men. Even when a man miscalibrates a flirtation with good intentions, she gets that he was just being awkward.
A high-quality woman will LIKE IT when you’re unashamed of your sexuality, even if she’s not into you, because she’s unashamed of hers.
Again, you can’t please everyone. By trying to win over women who have issues with men, you’re expending unnecessary energy on women who you CAN’T EVER HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH.
Low-quality women have issues with your sexuality BECAUSE THEY HAVE ISSUES WITH THEIR OWN SEXUALITY.
They’re unwilling to be properly feminine, and witnessing proper masculinity reminds them of their own deficiencies. Being around a man they can’t control makes them feel deficient in their female sexuality, and they lash out at you through making you the bad guy in their narrative.
When they try to demonize you, remember that it’s only projection. It’s only low-vibration thinking. Their intentions aren’t to build anyone up, but to feel righteous in dragging you down.
Stay away from these low-level women.
Focus your attention on women who are better for you.
By losing the frame in the above situation, Dr. Nerdlove let himself fall into a low-vibration state of thought. He’s seeing it in terms of shame and fear, not in terms of action and humor.
Now let’s think about that girl I “flirted with” and “made uncomfortable”. Is it shameful that I talked to her when she wasn’t feeling a chat? Or is it funny that she misinterpreted a casual chat as a personal attack?
You gotta understand – Being a flirtatious man (within social norms, or course) is as awkward or shameful as you make it. Not every woman will like you, and not every woman has to like you.
What matters is your intentions – that you see she has great things to offer your world, and that you’re ready to make her life better by taking her hand and leading her into something amazing.
And if a woman dislikes you even when you’re doing nothing wrong…
That’s her problem, not yours.
Even if your intentions are pure and you don’t want to cause any harm to women, there will always be women out there ready to turn a simple misunderstanding into a big deal.
Learn to spot these women with flawed internal schemas before you even talk to them. They won’t add anything great to your life.
Learn to spot women who love men before you even talk to them. They will enrich your life like nothing else can.
Vibe checking is a simple but effective skill, and I’m the best teacher you know.
Work with me, and your understanding of sexuality will develop exponentially.
Live for love,