My life is on hold because of the fucking Wuhan virus, as are many other people’s.
That’s bumming me out, to say the least. There’s plenty I want to do with myself in the outside world, but all I can do is work on myself in silence.
I’ve had much worse, so don’t worry about me. This is child’s play compared to other adverse circumstances I’ve been in.
But still, I don’t have the gyms keeping me sane.
I’m a broke boi.
I haven’t hung out with people my age in months.
So yeah, I’m a bit stressed.
But I’m still doing bodyweight workouts at home, modifying my diet, optimizing my hormones, and intermittent fasting to get more ripped than I was in high school.
I’m still getting work done on my business.
I’m still going out for walks and refusing to be stuck inside all the time.
Fuck excuses. I may have slowed down, but I’m not stopping.
Through it all, this question has been on my mind: When will things get better?
When will the gyms reopen so I can make faster gains?
When will I make the income I want?
When will I get to go back to my favourite hangout spots?
And the answer is:
Who the hell am I?
Yeah, I just answered a question with another question.
And the answer to that one is:
I am who I decide to be.
Now, I obviously can’t decide to be a black woman or a 6’4″ 240 lb juggernaut of a man (though my personality is 6’4″ unlike my body). There’s certain things about myself I can’t change.
But there’s plenty I can.
I can decide to be a guy who needs the gym to do his workouts, or I can be a guy who still gets ripped with just a pullup bar, a few dumbbells, hormonal optimization, and certain dietary decisions.
I can decide to be a guy who waits for money to magically come his way someday, or I can be a guy who puts in the damn work to become someone of value.
I can decide to be a guy who needs other people to be happy, or I can create my own fun.
Here’s where most people fuck up in life, however
Their identity is fixed. They’re ego-attached to certain things, positive or negative.
On the negative side, we have people who make an identity of mental illness, promiscuity, addictions, and all that soul-crushing jazz.
On the “positive” side, we have people who make an identity of their intelligence, assets, good looks, physical ability, and all that people-impressing jazz.
And this manifests in more benign ways, such as being attached to your astrology sign or MBTI type.
Even identifying with positive traits can make someone as insufferable as someone who identifies with negative ones.
You’ve probably known (or even been) someone who…
Complains about their anxiety but never actually does anything to take care of it.
Gets insecure if they’re not the smartest, most athletic, prettiest, most accomplished person in the room.
Constantly spills all the deets about their sex life. “Hey guys, look at me, someone wanted to have sex with me!”
Self-sabotages when an attractive person is genuinely interested in them and they have the opportunity to make a move.
This all comes back to ego attachment. You’re attached to your neuroticism because it’s an anchor point through which you justify your existence. You’re attached to your superiority because it’s what makes you feel like yourself. You’re attached to your sex life because it gives you a sense of esteem.
And when you self-sabotage with someone you look up to (even when they’re into you!), that’s because they don’t align with your self-perception as someone who’s beneath them.
That which you identify with has power over you, so create your identity wisely.
Define yourself by what you do – because that’s what really matters.
And when you define yourself by what you do, your mindset stops being so fixed.
There will always be people out there who exceed you in every domain. You will always occasionally have negative emotions and bad experiences.
What’s important is building your reality from what you directly control.
You can’t be the best (or even exceptional) in most domains, but you can be better than you were yesterday. Are you a failure because you’re not among the best? Or are you a success because you’re in the process of building yourself up?
Your life may not be too great. You may be carrying a lot of negative feelings. But are you defining your reality by how you feel? Or by what the feelings are driving you to do?
You cold approach a girl, get her number, and she ends up flaking. What’s your reaction? What’s defining your frame? Are you a genetic failure because she rejected you? Or was she simply misaligned with who you’ll be in the near future?
When will things get better?
People with fixed identities ask this question.
Guys who self-perceive as unworthy in the dating world ask themselves – when will I get a girl? When will I finally have sex?
And again, I’ll answer those questions with another question.
Who are you?
And that question with an answer.
You are who you decide to be.
Look, wherever you’ve been, I’ve most likely been there. That’s why I chose to become a dating coach, because I’ve dealt with it all and overcome it all – limiting beliefs, depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, being physically unattractive, major neediness, severe ego attachment, low self-esteem, feeling absolutely hopeless and powerless with girls and in my social life.
And I genuinely believe that I decided to be all those things.
Before, I was ignorant to my true potential for power as a man. I used to think I was cursed, that I was inherently beneath other people.
Now, I know better. I know what was REALLY causing all those things, and I did the proper work to fix them all and become a much better, more attractive young man.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through it all:
Your world isn’t simply a bunch of places you exist in and a bunch of people you meet.
Your world grows within you and flows out of you.
For your external world to change, you must change your internal world.
Who you ARE determines what you attract.
Some guys get hung up on a “someday” where external circumstances magically turn around for them.
That used to be me, and I can tell you that’s not the case.
I was unpopular and had few friends in high school. I expected things to turn around for me in uni, but initially, the same patterns from my adolescence repeated.
Because I hadn’t changed, what I attracted didn’t change.
Then when I finally became a strong part of my first real social circle…
Those people ended up being wrong for me in the long run and I was all alone again.
I used to think that putting on muscle would make me like myself more (which it did).
When I finally got dates with a couple girls, I was esctatic…
Then that quickly turned to anxiety when my neediness drove them away.
And when I finally lost my virginity after months of wondering “WHEN WILL IT FINALLY HAPPEN????”, it actually made my sexual insecurities WORSE, to the point where I attempted suicide a week later.
Again, your world won’t get better until YOU get better.
Sometimes, you don’t know what’s possible till you live it, and that requires detaching your identity from certain things.
I never envisioned myself as muscular or athletic, then I had my first taste of lifting in high school freshman gym class, and never got sick of physical fitness.
I never thought I’d be doing anything but the “go to school and get a decent white collar job” route, then my original life plan failed and I found the uncertainties of working for myself much more rewarding.
I never thought I’d be an attractive guy (seriously, I was ugly as a kid and teen) or socially accepted (long story, but childhood trauma), then in university, I was considered “cool” and attractive for the first time since hitting puberty. And after that, I got super into epigenetics and discovered a bunch of ways to improve your physical attractiveness from within.
I never thought I’d be mentally healthy and emotionally stable, but I found myself solid masculine role models, values, and knowledge about the world.
Here’s the dealio – I’m DECIDING to be a muscular, athletic guy. I’m not letting my skinni boi genetics hold me back. I’m constantly learning new things about training, nutrition, and hormonal optimization.
I’m DECIDING to be a competent professional in whatever I do for work. I’m not waiting to hear back from employers after handing out hundreds of resumes like I used to. I’m putting in the necessary work to make money on my own terms.
I’m DECIDING to be an attractive guy, which means optimizing the three fundamentals of sexual attraction in myself.
I’m DECIDING to be mentally healthy and emotionally stable. I’m not justifying my existence through neuroticism or ignorance anymore.
Even if I’m not in my best shape, in a good financial situation, or with a solid social circle currently, my life is still good. Because I’m the best damn Ben Foth to ever be Ben Foth. And from myself, I will create my world.
If you’re currently dealing with anything I used to deal with, I empathize.
More importantly, I know the way out of it.
Work with me, and we’ll undo those knots in your spirit that are keeping you from having the dating life you could.
Stay strong and healthy,