I’ll admit this:
When I was first got into working out and developing my masculinity as a teenager, I wanted to define myself as an “alpha male” (really an overcompensation for years of feeling weak and insignificant).
I’d sit at the computer at 1 AM Googling things like…
“am i alpha or beta”
“alpha male body language”
“alpha male behavior”
“how to be an alpha male”
“alpha male and beta male”
I wanted to know – Was it possible for a skinny, awkward boy like me to become a cool, dominant, respected alpha male?
Then over the years, I learned much about how the alpha/beta dynamic really is.
Who’s really an alpha and who’s really a beta?
I do find validity in the alpha/beta dichotomy, but it’s not as simple as “some men are alpha and other men are beta”.
Yes, some men are more dominant and masculine than others.
Women sexually select Alphas with enthusiasm, and only settle for Betas when they have resources and security to provide.
Now here’s the more nuanced truth:
Most men have a combination of alpha and beta traits.
If we consider alpha/beta as a spectrum, then most men fall under “mostly alpha with some beta traits” or “mostly beta with some alpha traits” or “evenly balanced between beta and alpha”.
Those men – in the middle of the alpha/beta spectrum but leaning slightly to moderately one way – are the majority of the male population.
Some men are largely alpha with few to no beta traits. Some are largely beta with few to no alpha traits. These men are more of a minority.
Also, men can shift more alpha/beta over the course of their life.
Think of the high school loser who got into self-improvement and ended up being jacked, wealthy, and confident 10 years later.
Or the high school “big man on campus” who won at sports, went to parties, and dated hot girls as a teenager, then flash forward a few decades and he’s a fat fuck with a basic job and an average-looking wife, looking back at his glory days with envy.
And men can be alpha in some domains while being beta in others.
Think of the dorky millionaire who’s still an awko taco with women despite his high net worth and powerful connections.
Or the broke boy who lives in a van, yet has the game to get laid with pretty girls as often as he wants to.
Or the guy who’s a confident beast in the gym but anxious and deferring to girls outside of it.
You’re definitely thinking: Get to the point. What makes a man alpha or beta? I want to know which of these traits apply to me.
There’s a ton I could talk about here – body size, body shape, physical features, income and socioeconomic status, psychological factors, social affiliations, positioning in social hierarchies, risk-taking and other behaviors, and personal history.
All of those have their Alpha and Beta divisions, and like I already said, a man who’s beta in some domains can be alpha in others.
“Still, am I more of an alpha male or a beta male?” You may ask.
And I may answer – Don’t worry about it! Masculinity means so much more than those two labels. Don’t get hung up on how alpha/beta you are. It’s a useless thing to fixate on. Instead, worry about your STRENGTH, which we’ll talk about soon.
To make things easier for you in your self-development, and for me in my writing, let’s distill the alpha/beta dichotomy down to two traits.
Embody these two traits, and you’ll be the man women want and who other men want to be
Don’t put too much investment into the alpha/beta model of manhood. It has its uses, but it’s usually impractical.
Instead, focus on cultivating these two traits in yourself:
Women find both of these traits attractive, and men find both of them admirable.
They’re both expressions of masculine strength and potency. Strength is THE central masculine quality.
They’re exactly what you’d find in a typical “alpha male” (think Indiana Jones or James Bond or Arnold Schwarzenegger).
A typical “beta male” would be lacking in one or both of these, especially savagery.
You need savagery to be an attractive man on a primal, unconscious, dark level. Men are naturally meant to conquer the physical, social, and spiritual worlds through this savagery. A man is impotent without it.
Savagery is attractive because it gives men a dominant, potent edge. If a man’s capable of physically dominating other men, climbing social hierarchies, and growing his spirit, then his genes have a high likelihood of survival in any scenario, making him a more attractive sexual partner to women.
Savagery alone won’t get you the highest-quality women though.
You need gentlemanliness to be an attractive man on a civilized, social, high-consciousness level. Humans are highly social, civilized animals to the point where our high cognitive ability dissociates us from animalkind. We ensure our survival through developing each other and giving back to the world.
Gentlemanliness is attractive because of exactly that – it lifts other people up and makes the world a better place. It takes primal masculinity a step further.
Manners are the proper direction of masculine strength, not the suppression of it.
The only real “toxic masculinity” is a lack of masculinity.
No one thinks that aloof guys who lack manners, tact, and respect for others are “alpha”. Their disagreeableness comes from weakness, not strength.
That’s also the difference between a cringy “nice guy” gentleman Tony Friendzoni, and a strong, stand-up gent who everyone respects.
One is kind out of weakness. The other is kind out of strength. Weakness is repulsive. Strength is attractive.
I even argue that true kindness can’t exist without strength backing it up.
That’s why plenty of the toughest guys out there are also gentle and easygoing. Think of the typical crowd at a hardcore fighting gym, special forces personnel, or the jacked gymbros you see at the beach. Their masculinity speaks for itself. They have nothing to prove through being impulsive, violent, overly disagreeable, and aggressive, unlike low-status guys whose idea of masculinity is explosive anger and violence. Masculine men’s kindness and generosity have more gravitas to them, as they come from a place of strength.
Weak men can and do feign gentlemanliness AND savagery, compensating for their lack of masculinity. Their idea of kindness and gentlemanliness can also be that they’re inherently weak, pussy shit. Wrong.
Kindness and generosity are positive masculine traits, ESPECIALLY in conventional “alpha males”.
Watch your energy when you tell someone who did something for you “thank you” unconditionally, out of strength.
Watch your energy when someone comes to you for help and you enthusiastically give them that help or advice.
I guarantee you’ll feel strong and capable, not supplicant.
As much as men are meant to conquer and dominate, we’re also meant to lift up the people around us and to defend the moral fabric of society. Through savagery, we gain the strength to assert and defend ourselves and our societies. Through gentlemanliness, we give strength to the people around us without losing any in ourselves.
Being a strong man isn’t about embodying just the former. Being a weak man isn’t about embodying just the latter.
Being a strong, attractive, competent, desired, masculine man (in other words, an “alpha male”) is about cultivating your savagery, then channeling it into gentlemanliness.
Befriend other men, then forge each other into better men. Give each other credit and respect where those are due.
Compete with other men, but do it in a frame of respect, not antagonism unless it’s warranted.
Approach women through shameless desire AND self-controlled respect, not just one or the other.
Love the women in your life through your masculine dominance, not through supplicating to them.
Fight for what’s right through embodying the values you stand for.
Strengthen your body and spirit not just to help yourself, but because strong men are an asset to humanity in general. They can be more, accomplish more, and give more. A man’s strength is an asset to THE future, not just to HIS future.
Give back to the world. Be generous. Use your masculine strength to create good things and to help those beneath you.
That’s how a real “alpha male” thinks. It’s not entirely about getting muscular, beating your chest, beating up other men, and showing off your accomplishments and potency.
Now if you’re lacking in savagery or gentlemanliness…
I’m here to help you develop those traits in yourself, so you can be the man high-quality women are naturally drawn to, who other men naturally respect, and most importantly, who you’ll love and be proud of yourself being.
Live for love,