If I could live life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
As an imperfect human like anyone, you will always have your blind spots and moments of dumbassery that you look back on like “holy fuck, what drugs was I on?”
That’s why you should lean in to your mistakes, not avoid them.
That includes your mistakes with the ladies.
Dated the wrong girl(s)?
Got into an LTR, a fling, or a friendzone experience that emasculated you?
Got turned down by every single girl you’ve made a move on?
Did an approach that started out great but went to shit?
Took too long to start getting fit?
Pussied out of making moves at all, and ended up lacking experience as a result?
Never known how to be more than friends with a girl?
Never gotten the “please fuck me” eyes from a girl?
A bad investment is still an investment, and that’s how you should see your dating life for optimal results.
Stop trying to get things right on every try. Mistakes will happen. Miscommunications will happen. Clashes of values and ideals will happen.
Your “dream girl” may be a fucking garbage can of a person, but you’re too blind to her real essence to see it.
Everything you do is an investment into your future. Even your bad, destructive habits can be good investments in the end, if you leverage them properly.
Personally, my bad investments have taught me as much, if not more than my good investments have.
The girls you’ve lost your shit over were just as clueless about the dating world as you were.
Assume a girl will stay as she is NOW forever. Don’t expect a sub-par girl to change herself for the better someday unless she’s already doing it.
If dating feels like a business transaction, your game is shite.
If dating is stressful and nihilistic, not fun and exciting, you’re doing it wrong.
And many more…
Habits are your finest investments
You know the obvious things – invest in a gym membership and good food for GAAAAAAAINS. All the financial investment stuff. Invest in clothes that communicate your version of manhood.
Now let’s get into your social life and your dating life.
Every person you interact with is an investment into your self-betterment. I believe every single person in the world has something to teach me and you, regardless of age, sex, race, nationality, past and current circumstances, etc. Either they teach you something interesting, are a model of who you should be more like, are a model of who you shouldn’t be, or they’re a mirror to who you actually are beyond your ego.
You can ruin your life by investing into the wrong people and habits, but aside from death and dismemberment, you can always recover from these bad investments. The younger you are, the easier it is, but that’s no excuse not to do it at any age.
I have a habit of going out with my laptop to work on my business and other stuff. I rarely do it at home. Usually, I go out to coffee shops to sip black coffee while getting shit done on my laptop, occasionally bars to sip liquor while doing so.
My rational mind has objected – Why spend so much money on fleeting drinks and food when I could be getting this work done at home for free? When I could be making my coffee at home for much less of a cost? When I could NOT be blowing money on sandwiches when I’m hungry.
Then it’s countered that argument – I’m not just spending the money. I’m investing it, not entirely for monetary returns.
See, I don’t want to be some hermit who spends all his time indoors and only leaves for groceries and the gyms. I’d go crazy. I’m investing in going out into the outside world with a purpose, not just to aimlessly walk around.
It gives me more confidence when I cold approach too, and something to do besides scanning my environment for attractive girls. I have something to talk about that communicates non-neediness.
“I’m on my way to that coffee shop to get some work done on my laptop”, which the girl should interpret flatteringly – “so this guy’s not just out approaching random girls, he actually singled me out while he was busy with his life”
(This is why I never daygame with the intent of daygame, I just go about my life and spontaneously approach attractive girls when I feel like it)
It’s good for people-watching. I passively analyze and deconstruct random strangers when I’m out. It’s not even something I deliberately do. With my ISTP brain, it naturally and randomly happens.
Most relevantly to you perhaps, it’s good for social proof. (Yes, including the female baristas becoming interested in me, that guy who always comes in to get some mysterious work done on his laptop) I’ve befriended staff at coffee shops I’ve frequented, even another regular earlier this year, who I’ve had very engaging conversations with.
When you’re out, living your life, people notice you! You’re not a ghost!
And when you go to the same establishment frequently, the staff (and possibly the other regulars) recognizes you.
When I was 14, I’d go to this one Subway so much that the staff knew my order by heart. They’re not robots, they’re people.
If your social life isn’t what it could be, walk around your city. Find establishments with vibes that you like, and blow money at them. I guarantee you’ll be noticed and if the other people there fit your vibe, you’ll even get a bit of a social life from it!
Bars, clubs, coffee shops, gyms. Those are all hangout spots you can go to that’ll give you a chance at meeting people.
I don’t recommend retail stores, because they’re not as much of a social environment. You get in, grab what you need, and get out.
Now let’s talk about cold approaching
I’ve disagreed with daygame guys’ methods in the past, now I’ll refine that.
Daygame has very low ROI for dating and sleeping with women for most guys, but it has high ROI for LEARNING about women and yourself. THIS is how you can make it a positive investment.
I don’t recommend a high quantity of cold approaches with the intention of getting lays and/or dates. Your time and energy are better spent cultivating your value as a man, which will naturally draw women to you. However, these daygame sessions can be a strategic sharpening experience for your mindset around women, with the added bonus of getting a lay or a date once in a while.
Nothing teaches you like experience does.
So do that. Approach girls, get rejected, then reflect on the experience. What really went on there?
Was your testosterone too low? Were you shooting beneath what you’re worth? Were you trying too hard to win her over instead of letting things naturally happen? Were you unwilling to let her go? Was SHE the one who messed things up, even if she was into you?
You may have fears about this though.
You don’t want to be one of those pickup guys who talks to every single half-decent girl he sees, learning nothing, hoping at least one will suck his dick.
The cautionary tale of Mr. Pickup Guy
There was a guy at my uni who got a reputation as a creep for doing exactly that. I’d see him at the gym all the time, chatting up the female staff and female gymgoers. I’d call him “Pickup Guy” in my head, even after I learned his real name.
He was obviously one of those guys who wasn’t cool in high school, then learned a bunch of “confident alpha male social skills” tactics from the internet, and shoddily applied them to come off a certain way, which he absolutely failed at.
He didn’t gain a reputation for being creepy and awkward because he had the nerve to talk to random girls. That’s what a guy who’s single SHOULD do. Nor because he wasn’t cool in high school. I was even rooting for him to win the girl every time he approached a new one. Even I didn’t have the confidence at the time to approach girls outside Tinder and my social circle.
He got that reputation because he didn’t learn anything from his approaches. So instead of doing a few awkward approaches and refining his social skills and his mindset from there, he approached HUNDREDS OF GIRLS with inauthenticity and covert tactics, never noticeably refining his inner framework.
He did the same thing over and over again. Shoddily affected the same weak persona over and over again. The girls didn’t find him creepy because he was sexually interested in them. He was creepy to them because he COULDN’T BE AUTHENTIC ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS.
And because he approached without discernment, without regard to how good a fit they would be for him. The girls he approached included girls who have hangups, issues, and traumas about men, so they found him creepy just for being an unfamiliar guy talking to them. Those aren’t the kinds of girls ANY guy can have a healthy connection with, so learn to spot them before you even talk to them, unlike this fucker.
Sadly for Pickup Guy, his name got dragged through the mud with one of the worst labels a guy can get – creepy, for having the nerve to pursue girls while being awkward.
Girls talk. Information spreads through the girls’ network. So you better be on your finest behavior around the ladies, or risk a bad reputation.
Your habits are useless if you don’t learn anything from them, if they don’t add up to anything great, as Pickup Guy’s cautionary tale goes. Pickup Guy didn’t leverage his approaches into long-term investments. He may have known the theory, but he refused the wisdom. That sank his reputation.
If he learned to be more vulnerable, more honest, more discerning, more conscientious about his time and energy and attention, more positively energetic from all his failed approaches, his future approaches wouldn’t be so bad. Girls would be flattered to be approached by him, not weirded out.
Pickup Guy’s habit of approaching girls was a GOOD INVESTMENT, he just didn’t leverage it properly, which turned it into a bad one with rock-bottom low returns.
I recommend the same investment to you. Make a habit of approaching attractive women when they make you feel something. You may not get them all, but there’s something you can learn about women and yourself from every single one you meet.
They won’t think you’re creepy as long as they don’t have issues with men, and you’re honest about your intentions. Remember, it’s a learning experience. It’ll forge you into a more competent man if you let it.
If you lack confidence in the dating world, work with me.
A coach is one of the finest investments you can make in any domain of your life. Nothing refines and accelerates your habits like a wise mentor you have one-on-one access to.