The illusion of abundance on dating apps

I used to be addicted to dating apps.

That’s no exaggeration.

I’d constantly be checking them, tryna get that sweet, sweet dopamine from exchanging swipes with girls I’ve never met in person. Getting matches on Tinder and Bumble was the closest thing in my life to crack cocaine.

My heart would jump whenever I’d get a notification of a new match or a new message from a girl, and I’d jump to see who/what it is.

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GIVE ME THAT SWEET, SWEET DOPAMINE

Now I’m a bit older. A bit smarter (yeah, just a bit). And I have more to say about dating apps than “I guess they’re efficient for exchanging attention with girls” (low-quality attention!)

For most people, dating apps are a WASTE OF TIME. They’re a dopamine-siphoning distraction on the level of porn, video games, and excessive boozing.

Here’s why:

Dating apps create WEAK connections

So what if I’d regularly get hundreds of matches?

Yes, I slept with and dated some of them, but that was a veeery small percentage. For every girl I actually met up with, I matched with dozens with whom I had at most, a conversation that lasted less than a day. I’d usually not even get a response to my first message, if I messaged at all. Plus, I had real long-term potential with absolutely ZERO of the girls I talked to on those apps.

That was for good reason.

Dating apps can connect people who wouldn’t get to know each other any other way…

But they wouldn’t get to know each other any other way FOR GOOD REASON.

Most of these girls on dating apps aren’t meant for you. By giving them attention even as just a left-swipe, you’re expending valuable energy and dopamine you could have channeled into other things.

Without dating apps, you wouldn’t even know all these girls exist, and that’s a good thing! These random chicks you see on your phone’s screen have nothing real to add to your life.

Dating apps artificially inflate your dating pool. You get more initial options (unless you’re ugly), but incompatibilities naturally surface with almost every option, and like I just said, these options usually doesn’t even progress to a first date. Waste of attention!

And rejection hurts, even if it’s just a little. Dating apps amplify this pain of rejection a hundredfold, especially if you’re naive and inexperienced (I had a month-long anxiety attack over being ghosted by the first girl I met up with from a dating app), or if you get few to no matches.

Dating apps also make it easy to objectify people, which ain’t good for the soul. They can condition you to expect inorganic, inhuman connections in dating, so when you meet someone organically in person, you don’t properly escalate because you’re scared of it being socially unacceptable.

Consider the girls’ side of things

It’s no secret that even a below-average girl can get hundreds, even thousands of matches on a dating app.

Combine this with the natural female hypergamous instinct…

And you have a recipe for male objectification.

Why pursue one guy who could be your decent match when the next best option is just around the corner?

And when you’re talking to a high-value option, you’re far from the only girl he’s talking to.

Ladies don’t have it any easier in the dating world than we do, gents.

Sure, the average girl CAN get laid with any one of the hundreds of horny guys around her, but that doesn’t mean she WANTS TO, or that she’d even consider it. Unless she’s damaged – mediocre or sub-par sex is not in her best interest!

On dating apps, and in general, she USUALLY has the choice between guys who are ready to see her + maybe commit to her, but who don’t excite her, and guys who excite her, but are unavailable to her because of their massive quantity of options.

Good luck standing out in a sea of hundreds of her other matches who want the same things you want.

If you’re a guy with high preselection (good looks, good photos, social circle), it’s very possible for you to get an abundance of dates and lays from dating apps…

But if you lack that and/or the girls on dating apps don’t really do it for you..

You’re best off meeting girls though living your life

Dating apps aren’t entirely a dumpster fire. You CAN meet girls of true quality on them, though they’re rare. Finding an amazing girl for you on there is like trying to find a cat in a dog park. Sure, it’s possible despite being highly unlikely, but you’d more likely find a cat in a cat park. I wish cat parks were a thing.

Cold approach/daygame, night game, and social circle game are vastly superior methods for meeting the ladies because…

  1. Vibration and energy are more easily felt face-to-face than through online exchanges. You’ll know more quickly whether the vibe is on with someone in real life, and more readily remove your attention from them if it ain’t there.
  2. If your lifestyle is abundant, so will be the girls you attract through it. Things will happen much more organically when you do things you enjoy doing, and girls happen to see you doing them. If you enjoy your lifestyle, that enjoyment will be contagious. Girls will absorb the positive vibes you give off like a sponge!
  3. If you don’t have an impressive online persona, but you’re actually a pretty cool guy, your actual self will be doing the legwork. No need for the Instagram status game.
  4. You don’t have to wait for a girl to swipe right on you or message you back to move forward with her. Real-life conversations move much more quickly than online ones. You’ll have all the power in choosing which girls to meet and talk to.
  5. You’ll stand out among the competition as a FLESH-AND-BLOOD GUY to any girl who you make a move on. She won’t just see you. She’ll feel your presence. She won’t be distracted by hundreds of other guys in your position.

Meet girls through your lifestyle, gents. This is the most expedient way, if not the only true way.

“But I don’t have that lifestyle! I just work all the time, I don’t have a social circle, and I don’t do anything fun! Dating apps are my only hope!”

I was there during 2019, my first year of online biz. All I did was work and go to the gym. Have a mundane hangout with a friend once in a while. Occasionally go out alone on a weekend night and try to “game” people into having some fun with me but fall flat every time, or just stand around wishing I had the guts to chat someone up. I got into rock climbing late into it, but only so I could meet athletic girls at the rock climbing gym (which didn’t work out, hah, unintentional pun).

My dating life (and life in general) sucked because I SUCKED.

So many things will make sense to you when you realize your dating life is an extension of who you are. Your world isn’t just a bunch of physical places you inhabit. It grows within you and flows out of you.

I had a boring, unexciting life in 2019 because I was a boring, unexciting person with little true value to offer the world. My dating life was close to barren because my sexual energy was close to barren.

Even when I’d go to that rock climbing gym, my vibe just wouldn’t be there. I had a shit time getting to know anyone there, because I didn’t have the right energy to offer people.

It wasn’t until I started pursuing my real passions – kickboxing and dating coaching – that I found myself getting much more confident about my life, feeling alive, feeling excited about every single day, feeling like a man again. Not so boring and unexciting anymore.

And I started getting much more receptive reactions from girls I’d meet.

THIS is real abundance. Not the AMOUNT of girls you’re connected with, but THE QUALITY OF WHO YOU ARE AS A MAN, even if you have few girls in your life.

In earlier years, when I got hella matches on Tinder, I attracted broad but low-quality female attention because I fit the mold of a “party guy” with a lively social circle, but despite my social proof and outer allure, I had weak values and a misguided sense of self.

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You get it?

The abundance (or scarcity) of women in your dating life is dependent on your INTERNAL WORLD more than on your external one.

If you’ve hit roadblocks in your journey of self-development as a man, your arrested development will show itself quite strongly in your dating life.

After all, the women you get are a reflection of who you are as a man.

So if your dating life is a headache or a heartbreak…

Or an absolute desert…

Work with me.

I’ll help you make your internal world what it could be, and your external world will follow.

No more dealing with mediocre Tinder thots,

– Ben

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