I’ve had it easier in the dating world, and the world in general, than a lot of other people have. I’m a middle-class North American white guy with decent genetics, and I recognize that’s given me advantages that certain other people don’t have.
So you can see my life ain’t a sob story. I’ve never dealt with poverty, racism, any severe physical health conditions, war, or famine.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my problems, issues, trials, traumas, disadvantages, dark periods, etc.
Particularly in my dating life, and my social life.
To say I’ve had it difficult there is an understatement.
Below-average height for a guy, skinni boi genetics, introversion, MAJOR social awkwardness and little social status, psychological baggage, and the #1 absolute self-esteem KILLER…
I started losing my hair when I was 14.
So you can imagine high school was fun for me.
I got the privilege of dealing with all the problems of a normal teenager – sexuality issues, taking on real responsibility, hormones and shit, body insecurities, conflict with friends and other peers, not knowing exactly where I fit into the world…
While looking like a 55-year-old man from behind. Ouch.
I was even lowkey suicidal over that little cosmetic imperfection that meant a lot.
Who would want to be seen talking to the guy with the bald spot?
What girl would want to date the guy with the bald spot?
Even if I got super jacked, aced my classes, did cool things with my free time, I still would never be a normal teenage boy like the rest of them.
Because of that, I feel like I never truly got to live my adolescence. Never got to be a normal teenage boy.
AND WHO GIVES A SHIT?
Because of this, I learned early in life that a victim mentality gets you nowhere.
Either I progress in life or I stay a loser.
I used to sit around feeling sorry for myself, quietly bitching to myself about how if only I was better-looking and more popular, I’d have everything I wanted, then I read this little rant while surfing the web one night… And everything fucking clicked for me.
My life sucked because I let it suck.
My life sucked because I wasn’t taking the proper responsibility for myself and my feelings, full head of hair or not.
From then on, socializing, dating, and all that jazz could wait till university, where my looks wouldn’t matter as much. My mission as a high schooler became success – Filling out my skinny frame with muscle, becoming a successful athlete, acing my classes, cultivating my bravery, resilience, intelligence, and overall character.
But enough about me, let’s talk about you.
The truth about your flaws, and how to fix them
Consider them tests.
Life would be no fun if everything was smooth and easy all the time. Ever play a video game on the easiest difficulty? Sure, winning’s easy, but it gets boring FAST.
Play a video game with some challenge though, get some wins, and you’ll want more of it! Your wins will be so much more rewarding!
Or you can be a loser and complain that all you do is lose and get hurt. Because complaining is what losers do. Blame-throwing is what losers do. Denying their own part in their shitty circumstances is what losers do.
You can let yourself be a victim of your circumstances. Instead of rising to the challenge, forging yourself, and overcoming your inadequacies, you can demand the world treat you better without doing what you gotta do to earn that treatment.
You’re flawed (like anyone), so you don’t have what you want. But that’s the world’s fault for being so against you for no damn reason, right?
When you let yourself fall into victim/perpetrator dynamics like that, you’ve fucking failed life’s tests, and it will “reward” you accordingly, until you learn your lesson and become a better person.
Life wants to see what you’re made of. It WILL test you by throwing bullshit your way and seeing how you handle it.
If you think your race/height/body type/physical flaw/bank account/whatever is holding you back from having a kickass dating life…
If you think that if only you were white/taller/shaped differently/in a different social circle/richer/whatever, then all the girls would come running to you…
You’ll unconsciously attract girls into your sphere who feel those ways about you.
And girls who manage their insecurities well will be repelled by you.
Would you date a girl with a “men are trash” mentality?
Would you date a girl who complains about not being hotter, but doesn’t work out and eats a shit diet?
Would you date a girl who talks about all the cool things she wants to do, but spends all her free time just eating, drinking wine, and watching movies?
Would you date a girl who’s so held back by shyness and anxiety that she doesn’t open herself up to being with a more outgoing guy? Or who constantly self-sabotages and rationalizes it away?
These girls have FAILED life’s tests.
So if you have the male equivalent of any of these, do you think a high-quality girl would date you?
To fix your insecurities, start by internalizing this:
Your flaws matter as much as you let them.
That’s the mantra. Your flaws matter as much as you let them.
Your flaws matter as much as you let them.
YOUR FLAWS MATTER AS MUCH AS YOU LET THEM.
Think of the Asian guy (no ethnicity is a flaw, just saying. Though it’s a SELF-PERCEIVED disadvantage for some people) who thinks girls are less likely to be attracted to him because of his race. That thought is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the back (or front) of his mind. Plenty of girls don’t care for his race and are more focused on his other qualities, but his belief may very well sink his confidence.
Think of the short guy (again, only as much of a flaw as you make it) who thinks no girl will ever respect him because of his height. Same self-fulfilling prophecy, even with the girls who don’t care for his height. He doesn’t know what kind of dating life he can truly experience till he lives it.
Is heavy insecurity holding you back in your dating life?
If so – Are you going to bitch about it? Be scared that every girl you want is going to think you’re not man enough? Or are you going to define yourself and your manhood by better things than the superficial shit?
As for me and my premature hair loss, who knows? Maybe I could have dated some quality girls in high school anyway, if I’d been more confident in myself, more outgoing, and if I’d had more faith in myself.
Other people live in the same uncertainty you do.
It’s not like everyone has life figured out but you. It’s not like everyone knows their true purpose and rightful position in the world but you.
Try this. Have the frame that your flaws don’t mean shit. Ignore them. Focus on the value and energy you have to offer instead. And watch how that frame carries over into other people, even when they unconsciously or consciously challenge you.
The flaws you can’t change vs the ones you can
Yes, have the “it matters as much as I let it” mentality, especially for your imperfections that aren’t easily fixed.
But if you’re a loser, that doesn’t give you an excuse to stay a loser. You’ll be miserable no matter how you try to rationalize it away. Women will smell the loserhood on you and be repulsed.
If there’s a flaw in yourself or your life holding you back with the ladies, and you have the power to fix it, you better do the damn thing.
Don’t have a full head of hair? Shave it! Rock that look! (thankfully, this suits the shape of my head)
You’re a virgin? Sexually inexperienced? Admit it proudly! Girls will only be ashamed of your virginity or inexperience to the degree that you are.
Mad at the world for not giving you what you want? Feel the rage and indignation! Don’t repress it! Don’t sit down in front of a therapist to dissect it. Channel it into getting back at the world (in productive, pro-social ways, of course)! Throw around some weights! Hit the bag! Create some art or poetry from your raw emotion! Pursue greatness to show the world how wrong it’s been about you! Letting your negative energy sit still is the worst thing you can do to it.
Being out-of-shape may matter as much as you let it, but you’ll keep looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing a weak, scrawny body. Other people will look at you and make their judgements. No self-affirmation will override the fact that you could be so much more. And you’ll require higher preselection and positioning than an in-shape guy for a fighting chance in the sexual marketplace.
Building a respectable body would be so much easier. Yes, it requires work, sleep, and eating conscientiously, but the confidence boost is well worth it, and it’ll let you “afford” more attractive women. And what kind of man is scared of a little hard work day after day? A PUSSY, that’s what kind.
You may not be financially stable just yet. Maybe you can’t afford to go to school. Maybe no employer wants you. Maybe you’re living with your parents or on someone’s couch. Does that matter as much as you let it? Somewhat.
And/or do you not have a social circle? Or is your circle stagnant? Beneath where you’re shooting in life?
Sure, you can get girls if your positioning is off but your biochemistry and psychology are in check, you’ll just lack an abundance of OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET THEM. If so, you can put your energy into short-term girl-getting, but the odds that you’ll meet one who’s a good fit for you, who can forgive your poor positioning in favor of your good qualities, are LOW. Your energy is better spent on improving your position in life, building up your lifestyle, social circle, and income, so the girl-getting becomes a natural side-effect of your lifestyle.
Finally, trauma? Emotional baggage? Heavy insecurities?
Again, this is life TESTING YOU, to see if you’ll LEARN AND GROW or BE STAGNANT. To see if you’ll take the pain like a man, or just sit around bitching about it.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, you wish it wasn’t there and you could be more of a “normal person”.
But who gives a shit?
Leverage it. Learn from it. Make something good of it. That’s why it’s there. It’s fuel for great pursuits if you let it be. Pain is a catalyst for change and growth, not some unfair mark of shame that life’s bestowed upon you.
Everyone has their flaws and insecurities
You’ve certainly heard this – Nobody’s perfect!
And that applies to absolutely everyone. We all have our traumas, imperfections, insecurities, and lessons left to learn. EVEN THE ELITE AMONG US.
Hotter, sexier, more successful gents and ladies DON’T have less problems than you do, and if they struggle little in youth, they’ll fall hard later in life. After all, hardship is a catalyst for character.
Hot, sexy, successful people simply handle their problems better. And their inner world shapes their outer world.
So don’t beat yourself up if you still have a long way to go in your self-development journey. We all have our paths in life. We all have our painful times and our joyful times.
Don’t be ashamed if you’re not a super-jacked specimen of a man. As long as you’re showing up to your workouts, putting the reps in, eating well, recovering well, and learning new things about training and recovery, that sets you apart from everyone not doing the work.
Don’t be ashamed if you’re broke. As long as you’re doing the damn work…
Don’t be ashamed if you don’t have the social life you could. As long as you’re getting up to cool things…
You don’t have to be perfect, or close to it to get girls! Or to be happy with yourself!
The women you want are works-in-progress too. Like you, they’re either growing or decaying.
Real human connection doesn’t happen when glamorous perfection meets glamorous perfection. It happens in the trenches, the rough edges, the moments of tension and uncertainty.
It doesn’t happen when you say the right words to unlock it, look like the hot guy who deserves the hot girl, or mask your flaws to get people’s approval.
It’s not something you meticulously plan or engineer. There’s no “real human connection system” course made by a PUA coach that gets you twice the real, visceral connections with any girl you want in half the time for an investment of $69.99.
Real human connection, sexual or not, happens when you meet someone who inspires you to be a better version of yourself, who’s a mirror to the parts of yourself you’re blind to, whose path, perhaps temporarily, goes the same way as yours.
It happens in the moments you stumble and falter, but the other person finds it endearing instead of repulsive as you may have expected.
It happens when you share your rough edges and wounds and imperfections with someone who also trusts you to see theirs.
It happens when you say or do something polarizing or offensive, but wait a minute, something just clicked in the other person. They’re learning something from you.
It happens when shit goes south but you find a way to make it fun.
It happens when you laugh so hard at something stupid that you forget anything negative exists in this world.
Don’t be ashamed of your rough edges. Shame does nothing for you. Choose to live in better feelings than that.
Some girls have rejected me because I don’t have a full head of hair. Others have been neutral about it, or they even liked the look of my shaved head.
Or because I’m 5’7″. Some girls care for it, some girls don’t.
Or because I grew up socially stunted. It’s a mark of shame to some cliquey girls, while others could relate to it too, or again, just didn’t care for it.
My real connections, my real lessons learned, have never happened because of the superficial shit.
Same for yours. Think back to the times you REALLY hit it off with a girl, or a friend, or a random stranger.
It was never planned, never engineered.
Your success was all in the chemistry between your genuine, imperfect selves. And in the heights you could lift each other up to.
Ain’t that beautiful?
Remember, life’s testing you. Can you love yourself enough to connect with others despite your imperfections? Or will those imperfections sink you?