The pickup artists get the dating world on a logical level, but not always on an intuitive one. I see this play out with them all the time:
They’re usually smart people in terms of logical thought, often successful in school and in the working world, so they keenly analyze and make logical systems of everything that’s right in front of them, but they completely miss everything that goes on in the background of it. They can handle the initial stages of interacting with a woman, but after that, things always fizzle out. They have an easy time approaching women, but a hard time keeping their attention.
To them, sexual attraction and relationships are a science, something to be analyzed and figured out like a subject in a classroom, studying it as if they need to memorize all its details and nuances for an upcoming exam.
This isn’t a wrong way to look at it. For certain guys, it’s a hell of a lot better than how they used to think!
But it’s also not the most efficient, energetically rewarding way to see things, because…
Social intelligence is nothing like academic intelligence.
Yet since us guys have brains that tend to be biased towards logic and rational thought, we tend to misapply that bias to socializing and dating, which actually puts us at a DISADVANTAGE.
Yes, you’ll get high grades in school if you memorize facts and get acquainted with systems, if you write argumentative essays with flawless logic and perfect spelling and grammar, and if you do everything “by the book”.
But the social world and the dating world are nothing like that. They’re not built so much on living “by the book”, as they are on feelings, emotions, and energy. Now HERE is where the pickup artists go wrong. They tend to have grown up socially stunted, not exactly cool in high school, so they’ve applied much of their energy to pursuits outside of socializing and dating, often more so than the average person.
This is both an advantage and a disadvantage. Properly framed, their socially stunted youth is a catalyst for being interesting and exciting – against the norm in a positive way. But more often, they become ashamed of not being like the guys who were more popular in high school. And their strategy to win at dating becomes not to leverage their own strengths, but to adopt a persona that’s disconnected from who they truly are.
That last thing is what much of the PUA industry teaches – how to appear as the “cool Alpha male” so your dating life is sunk no more by you being a needy beta.
And your persona only works to the degree that your authentic self is shown through it. Because that’s what truly matters.
Women aren’t stupid
Women are nearly always more attuned to minute social cues, dynamics, and behaviors than men are. Even if they don’t consciously understand how all this stuff really works, they’re perceptive to it nonetheless.
You can affect certain behaviors, certain words, a certain persona…
But you can’t affect your energy, at least not for long.
There are always subtle details in your biochemistry, your positioning, and your psychology that give your true self away without you having to say a word. So you can THINK that the clever attraction systems and hacks you read about online work with all women (they do, but only on women who fit said systems). And when they don’t, it’s because you messed them up or didn’t apply the correct ones, right?
Dating doesn’t work systematically like your other life pursuits do, at least not in the way some guys think.
In school, you study, memorize what you gotta, do your assignments, and if you meet the standard, you get a good grade.
At work, you show up on time, put the hours in, complete your tasks, and your responsibilities get you paid.
At the gym, you lift weights that challenge you, you fuel yourself with the right macronutrients and the right micronutrients at the right times, then your muscles grow and your fat fades away.
When you’re learning a skill, you put the hours in, you refine the techniques and how you think about it, so it becomes more natural to you as time goes on.
But dating isn’t so simple or formulaic.
You can say one thing to one girl and get a positive response. Same thing to another girl and get a neutral or negative response.
You can be an absolute magnet to the ladies one day, then absolutely repulsive to them on another day.
You can get super muscular, dress and groom yourself in all the right ways, and still get nowhere.
You can cultivate a huge social circle while making a ton of money, and still get nowhere.
While there’s guys out there who are scrawny or a bit overweight, poorly dressed, reserved, and broke who still get a ton of female attention! (maybe they even smell bad too)
What are they doing right that you aren’t?
Guys mess up their dating lives when they stick to formulas and analyses, and don’t let themselves FEEL strongly enough.
Beneath all the superficial things, it’s all about energy, purpose and intentions.
(Keep in mind that it’s not just men who make this mistake. Women are diverse. Some ladies actually have the same “I think too logically” problem that many gents do, though it’s more because of their individual personality and background than innate sexual nature)
We men feel like we need to “do things right” when we’re stuck in a transactional mindset, the idea that “I’ll do this, then hopefully, she’ll give me this”. That’s not a good way to see things.
Which leads to what you came here for – PUAs’ #1 frame mistake:
Coming off like they NEED SOMETHING from the woman
They make their interactions negotiations, or a series of well-veiled bargaining tactics, instead of honest attempts to get to know the woman. Their aim in the interaction is to WIN HER OVER, to do the RIGHT THINGS that get them the SEX and FEMALE VALIDATION they crave. Transactional mindset.
Look at this guy for example (I’ve shared this video before, just saying):
How does this guy come off?
As a confident, exciting gent?
Or as a dancing monkey bargaining for sex?
Do you see the flawed premise here?
That sex is something you should WIN from a woman by doing the right actions beforehand, not something you FREELY, NATURALLY SHARE with her?
That’s what the “naturals” get. They don’t succeed with women because they read up on the right attraction philosophies, or because they apply the right bargaining tactics. They succeed because they acknowledge and properly focus their sexual energy.
But as an ISTP, I totally get it. It’s how I used to think. I naturally see the world as a series of problems to be solved. And when I was less in touch with my irrational, emotional, loving side, this thinking carried over into my dating life. I want sex – so how do I get it? – Perhaps I shall try [x tactic] with [y implication] and see if it leads to [z result]
Completely missing all the emotional and energetic realities fueling it all.
And the pickup artists are the same way.
Sex and sexuality are one of the most natural things in the world.
If you’re blind to women’s, that’s because you’re blind to your own.
Masculine energy naturally pushes and moves forward. Feminine energy naturally pulls and receives. Masculinity is a powerful force. Femininity is a transformative receptacle for that force.
Though if you have a natural bias towards thinking over feeling, like I and plenty of other guys, you may dismiss energetic and emotional realities as bullshit. Big mistake.
But here’s what to do if that’s you:
It should be a no-brainer that holding frame is VITAL in any interaction with women, and a transactional mindset absolutely sinks yours. Try this instead – an open mindset. Let her come to you instead of problem-solving the situation. Because shouldn’t a girl WANT to be with you? With no bargaining on anyone’s part?
Shouldn’t she be EXCITED to be with you? Shouldn’t she DO HER PART in making something happen? Why would you settle for less?
In other words, don’t try so hard. Ditch your ulterior motives. If you’re into a girl, don’t be shy about it. Assume she’s won or lost before you even talk to her (and you won’t always know whether she is), because that’s how it actually is.
And if she’s not super ready to give you a shot, move on to a girl who’s a better fit for you.
Here’s the thing – You shouldn’t have to bargain at all for her interest. And if you do bargain, some women will turn you away quickly. Other women will manipulate you and use you for attention. Both categories will be turned off by you, because bargaining subcommunicates weakness and the idea that you don’t deserve what you want.
Women don’t want men who NEED them, who aren’t willing to walk away. Yes, they want to be WANTED, but that want has to come from a place of strength, from you seeing she has something great to add to your life, not from her being your glass of water in the desert of celibacy.
Have some self-awareness. If you ever find yourself bargaining, however subtly, with the hope of “maybe if I do this, she’ll be warmer to me”, QUIT IT.
This doesn’t mean laying your entire self out from the start, it just means giving with no expectations. It means having some self-respect and only giving your time and energy to people and experiences that benefit you.
These are all just words, so I get it. Major mindset shifts are easier said than done.