Am I an incel? A misogynist?

I’ve been getting hate recently, both from people I know and from people I’ve never met.

I’ve been called names like “incel”, “bully”, “misogynist”, etc. I’ve been insulted in various ways.

And I’ve honestly enjoyed this cyberbullying. It’s free attention and free publicity.

I once watched this when I was a teen. It was damn depressing.

Now let’s clear some things up. Let’s deconstruct what’s REALLY going on here.

Starting with some of the things I’ve been called.

(By the way, this isn’t the first rant I’ve written about this. I’ve written a couple on my personal Facebook profile.

Am I an incel?

Short answer:

No 😉 😉 😉

Long answer:

I believe your value as a man isn’t defined by if/whether you have sex, nor by how much sex you have or don’t have.

In fact, defining your life and your manhood by how much sex you have (or don’t have) is a mindset I want to DECONDITION guys from!

That used to be me, and I can tell you it’s a very destructive way to think.

And I’m not ashamed of how I used to think. Learning and growing is the point of living.

When you feel getting with any half-decent woman is better than being celibate, you’ll likely end up with BAD sex, and UNFULFILLING sexual relationships based on using each other, not appreciating each other.

Yes, sex is fun. Yes, men and women naturally desire sex. Your sex drive is healthy, not something to be ashamed of. That’s why I discuss sex and sexuality so openly – I want other men (and women) to see that sexual shame leads to nothing good.

Which is also why I occasionally speak about sexual relationships potentially harshly or aggressively.

The dating world has its harsh realities, and I’d be a fool to speak calmly and positively 100% of the time.

It should go without saying that I encourage men to respect women and their boundaries (and vice versa, of course), to have 100% consensual sexual encounters, and to leave any sexual situation where consent and mutual enthusiasm are absent or ambiguous. These should be no-brainers.

At the same time, I encourage men to respect themselves, not to tolerate women who drain their energy without giving any back. To take care of their own emotional needs before helping women with theirs. And that includes men in serious relationships whose women have lost respect for them.

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If you’ve been on an airplane, you know what I’m talking about.

I occasionally write in a harsh, aggressive tone because there are hurt, clueless men out there who NEED to hear something with that energy, because anything above it won’t properly resonate with them, not because it’s how I personally see things. They need to take back their power in a “fuck dat bitch” frame as a stepping stone between a frame of sexual powerlessness, and a frame of loving women through personal strength.

Securely loving and appreciating women who return that energy to you is the end goal here.

Am I a misogynist?

Hah, NO.

I absolutely love women. I know women have tons of great things to offer the world, both as women and as individuals.

And women tend to love me.

I have female friends who support what I do.

My Twitter following includes a fair amount of women.

I rarely get negative responses from ladies I cold approach, even if they’re not into me.

A ton of people support me and what I do – Men, women, old friends, new friends, acquaintances, and internet strangers. These people outnumber the haters and I’m grateful for every single one of them.

And I have a healthy relationship to women overall. Interacting with them properly is as natural to me as breathing. I get no anxiety, shame, or anger over it.

I also recognize, and openly discuss women’s darker aspects alongside their lighter ones.

I accept women for ALL of themselves – not just the pleasant things. And I educate men about the not-so-pleasant aspects of female nature – not with the intention of tearing women down, but with the intention of education, to help men understand what’s REALLY going on inside women’s psyches, so they have a better time cultivating their love and appreciation for women.


Does calling women out for dumbass behavior and flawed mental models once in a while mean I hate women and am a creepy potential rapist who doesn’t care at all for their boundaries and autonomy?

Fuck no!

(^That’s the piece that got most of the hate, by the way^)

We all have our moments of dumbassery! And they’re nothing to be ashamed of!

Hell, I thought Peru was in the Middle East until last week. Turns out it’s actually in South America.

So what if I made a girl uncomfortable at a party just by having a casual chat with her? You’re SUPPOSED TO talk to new people at parties.

I don’t know the full extent of her side of things, but I know mine. I didn’t want her to feel left out, so I made a bit of small talk. She took it the wrong way, and who gives a fuck? Shit happens.

For every girl I’ve made uncomfortable, there’s dozens who’ve enjoyed my company, wanted more of me, and have had nothing but good things to say about me. So what if I occasionally run into one with flawed mental models? Shit happens. That’s just life.

Am I a bully?

Only if you see the world in terms of victim/perpetrator dynamics.

I can be aggressive with what I say sometimes, but if you’re hurt or offended by some text you read on the internet written by some fucker you’ve never met or haven’t talked to since high school…

That’s a you problem.

Being offended is a choice, and…

Being offended =/= Being right.

There is no growth without challenge. This applies to your perspectives and mental models, your body, your hobbies and other aspirations, your relationships, etc.

I’m here to help people. To teach. To learn. To grow. To help other people grow. Not to shame, hate, or tear anyone down. And if you don’t understand that…

That’s a you problem.

So why have I been called such names?

My best guess – The haters don’t have a good relationship with themselves.

They actively seek things to be offended by because they lack a perceived sense of control over themselves. So rather than take responsibility for their malaise and work to make things better for themselves, they lash out and throw blame at outside forces to appear righteous.

Sounds like something an incel, misogynist, or bully would do, ironically. They’re projecting their own intentions onto me.

Here’s what’s really going on though:

People who want to be offended and hurt will always find reasons to be offended and hurt.

People who want to lift others up and make things truly better will always find reasons to lift others up and make things truly better.

That’s how I know my critics are full of shit. They’re tearing me down because they’re bored and just want something novel to be offended by.

They claim to be the good guys while I’m the bad guy, but what’s their behavior really accomplishing besides perpetuating negativity and blame-throwing?

But I’m not complaining. I’m choosing to make the best of what’s happening.

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I don’t write my content for EVERYONE. I write for men who want to embrace masculinity and love women, and women who want to embrace femininity and love men.

I write for people who seek to empower themselves, not people who always seek victimhood and perpetrators to blame.

I write for people who want to learn and grow, and to let go of shame and fear.

If that’s you…

And you’re a gent whose dating life isn’t quite what it could be…

I’m here to help.


– Ben

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