I’m a huge Sherlock Holmes fan.
I’ve read the original stories, seen the films, seen the shows, and loved every minute of it.
Hell, I’ve even written Sherlock Holmes fanfics (we all did cringy things when we were teenagers).
And now with this dating coaching biz, I’m living my dream of being a people-reading consultant like him.
What’s really fascinated me about this character is how kickass he is at reading people, at extrapolating major truths from small details.
Pretty cool, eh?
That’s why I started working on my people-reading as a teenager. I wanted to be as observant as Sherlock Holmes. And holy shit, it worked, especially as the years have gone by and I’ve gotten more life experience and frames of reference.
I can think of so many moments where this science of deduction has worked for me – ex. knowing where a girl went for her March break vacation just looking at her, correctly guessing people’s MBTI types plenty of times, and correctly guessing people’s heritages + where they’re from.
Of course, this is a very valuable skill to have in the dating world. It sure kills the “does she like me?”, “should I approach her?”, and “what’s she REALLY like?” questions before they even come up. Because I ALWAYS know early on.
(so imagine what I can do for you)
Here’s how it works:
I don’t look at WHAT happens to people as much as WHY it happens.
I don’t look at WHAT people do as much as at WHY they do it.
What is their behavior accomplishing?
Now this, ladies and gents, is the main principle behind this superpower of mine.
Guys ask – “what does it mean when she (does x thing)”
And I answer – “what’s (x thing) doing? What position is it putting both of you in?” People don’t behave how they do accidentally. There’s always reasons for even the slightest behavior, and I choose to recognize them.
This immediately cuts through the variables of cognitive dissonance, mixed signals, and uncertain outcomes. I look at where the girl’s behavior is leading her. I don’t expend too much time/energy analyzing it past that one thing.
Is she shy because she’s not into me, or because she’s into me but intimidated? Well, what’s motivating her shyness? I feel that in her energy and see it in subtle, involuntary behavioral cues. She may be putting up a disinterested persona while she’s tingly where it counts, or she may just be flat-out uninterested in you.
Mixed signals? Well, is she trying to get closer to me or further from me? Therein lies my answer. (mixed signals are usually a “no”, though they could be also be a “yes” held back by anxiety. Really depends on the girl)
Uncertain outcomes? Quick fix to that – stop caring about whether she wants you. Are you even proud of being yourself? Plus, if things don’t work with her, there’s a ton of other girls out there. Approach girls with an outcome-independent mentality. If she’s into you, awesome. If not, c’est la vie.
And this ability is good for more than determining whether pursuing a girl is worth it. It’s a valuable skill in every interpersonal interaction.
Remember when a mob of haters came after me? That was fun.
My discernment served me well there. Like I said in the piece I just linked, what was their behavior really accomplishing?
Answer: Perpetuating negativity and outrage. If they actually wanted to solve any problems with their behavior or have a reasonable discussion, they’d be accomplishing exactly that.
People who want to be offended and victimized will always find reasons to be offended and victimized, and they’ll always dress this up in false righteousness.
People who want to be empowered and to solve problems will always find reasons to ACTUALLY BE empowered and solve problems. They won’t waste time playing the blame game. They’ll be taking action unprovoked.
Have you ever applied to a job in person and had the manager tell you “we’ll call you at x time on y day”, then y day comes around, it’s x time, and they’re not fucking calling you? They obviously had no interest in hiring you. And if you’re observant, you’d have known that from the start.
Energy speaks louder than actions, which speak louder than words.
Watch someone who self-sabotages. Maybe that’s been you (it’s been me!).
You can tell they want something, but they don’t believe they deserve it. And if that’s you, you better believe the ladies notice that dissonance on you, and it’ll REPEL the well-adjusted ones who want a healthy, secure connection with a gent.
Before applying your Sherlock Holmesy science of deduction superpower on other people, you need to focus it on yourself. Figure out your own truths first (this will very likely be PAINFUL at first, but it’s freeing and empowering in the long-term), then other people’s truths will come to you much more easily. Otherwise, your judgement will be clouded by lies and inaccuracies, and your world is an extension of who you are. It’s not just a bunch of places you inhabit.
Back to analyzing the ladies…
This ability to discern amounts to more than “she’s attracted to me = she’s trying to be with me”, “she’s not attracted to me = she’s not trying to be with me”. Women aren’t social skills goddesses. They can and do self-sabotage. Their game can be horrible and miscalibrated. So don’t beat yourself up if she botches the interaction. You can’t control what she does or who she is, only what you do.
My point is – You gotta understand what behaviors mean what in what contexts. Sometimes, x means y. Other times, it means z. And z can mean y, but not when x means y.
And this has its learning curve, of course. Which involves figuring yourself out first. That’s necessary before you try figuring anyone else out.
So if you want this same ability to ALWAYS know a girl’s true intentions in a dating context…
And to always understand your own…