Some of us gents have pretty abundant dating lives. Girls on rotation, new dates on a regular basis, solid leads, maybe even a stable girlfriend or just a girl we have strong chemistry with…
Some of us have a bit of experience, a bit of growth, but aren’t exactly casanovas just yet…
Some of us are alone but not lonely. We know what we can get…
And some of us haven’t ever gone on an actual date, let alone kissed or had sex with a girl.
What’ll ya do then?
Look, I haven’t always known what I know now. I used to be immature and inexperienced in the dating world. I used to believe a whole ton of shit about myself and other people that just wasn’t true.
I used to be massively needy and insecure. I used to idealize other people while devaluing myself. Thankfully, I’ve worked through that and am doing far better with my mental health today. But still, let’s learn some lessons from that not-so-mentally-stable period of my life, shall we?
Imagine I’m wheeling this fucking thing in front of you and popping a VHS labeled “Ben’s first ever date 2016” into it. The staticky screen turns on.
I’m in my dorm room. Roommate’s out. I’m dressed like this:
And I’m giving myself a pump-up speech in the bathroom mirror like I’m a coach about to put myself into a football game. Left-over habit from being a teenage jock.
I’d been chatting with a girl on Tinder. We had a ton in common, and she was actually into going on a date with me. Fuck yeah. Now the day finally came.
I had very little experience with girls at the time. I’d asked out a few (and gotten shot down), and beyond that, I’d only ever drunkenly, awkwardly made out with one, and she was the one who’d approached me. I’d still escalated it like a man, but it was very foreign to me.
I was nervous as balls when I got to the mall food court – quite the romantic spot for a first date.
Where the fuck is my future wife – I mean, date? I nervously looked around and briefly mistook some other random girl sitting at a table for her. What if I’d approached her and had a super awkward conversation with that girl? My nerves would have paralyzed me.
Fast forward to me getting in line, getting some shit from Starbucks, seeing this girl in person for the first time (yay, she looked just like her photos!) ,and acting calm while truly being full of excitement.
Then we sat down, got to know each other a bit, talked about family and friends and gym lifts and life plans, I playfully arm wrestled her, then I sank the whole damn thing.
“I like you. So where is this going? What do you want from this?”
And I said that. She didn’t. Just letting ya know.
So apparently we both wanted to date and have a relationship eventually, but use your intuition here. Is that really what was gonna happen?
After a half-assed hug goodbye, we texted for a few more days, then nothing.
Anyhoo, let’s turn this old-school TV off. Time to do some face-to-face instruction.
Is this a nightmarish scenario for you? You finally get a date with a girl, then you fuck things up and it all goes to shite? You’re back to being awkward and alone?
That came true for me.
But here’s a positive for you – You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did with my first dating experience (and the ones after it, but those are stories for another day).
Let’s get into some lessons for the inexperienced that you’d probs rather learn gently than brutally.
She’s a first date, not a first wife
(Obvious exceptions apply. There’s loving couples out there who got lucky in this way. Don’t count on this being you, but it occasionally happens)
Seriously, don’t sweat it. 3.5 billion ladies in the world, and the first one you go out with has to be your future girlfriend? Even wife, if that’s what you’re going for?
You know what that says about you? That you self-perceive as low-value! That you only deserve to be settled for, not chosen out of abundance!
Have some self-respect, big guy!
Choose your woman/women out of abundance, not out of scarcity. And let her/them do the same for you.
Do you think a self-respecting girl wants to think “I’m his only option, so that’s why he’s getting so close to me”?
No, of course not! She wants you to choose her because you GENUINELY LIKE HER MORE THAN the other girls you could have been with.
And don’t YOU want to be valued for more than being the only guy she could have been with?
I know some of you gents have strong morals about dating/sex – maybe you don’t want to have sex until you’re married or at least in a serious relationship. Maybe casual dating or dating multiple women doesn’t appeal to you cuz you’re a one-woman type of man. You want something deep and meaningful, not just a fling.
Here’s a potentially harsh but freeing truth for you:
Before you get close to one woman, you NEED AT LEAST THE ABILITY to attract an abundance of women.
Some dating gurus will tell you you need x notch count to reduce your neediness with women, but I disagree.
You only need the POTENTIAL to get multiple women, so if fucking around doesn’t appeal to you, you don’t have to get into that.
If you don’t have that potential, your neediness will be off the charts.
A man without options is a man who’ll cling to his only one, despite any red flag that he’ll have chosen to miss (and if she stays with him, the relationship will either be dull or destructive). A man with options is a man who’s quick to cut one off when she doesn’t fit who he wants to be. He’s a man who’ll choose a woman because she’s GREAT, not just because she’s THERE.
If you don’t learn to cultivate your value as a man BEFORE pursuing women, you’ll idealize them to an unhealthy extent. You’ll be inclined to think of them in a marriage sort of way and to let your life revolve around them, rather than just treating them as welcome companions in the life you’re creating.
Truth is, women are obviously people. They’re imperfect. They can be awkward and destructively insecure. They have their lessons left to learn. And sometimes, they can be downright malicious.
It’s tempting to be their savior and their leader, to help them grow and get better. But you can only complete them to the degree that you’re ALREADY COMPLETE AS A MAN. If you’re a needy wreck of a man, then women won’t trust your lead. You’ll attract women who are similarly needy wrecks.
Rather than work hard to get one woman, why not work hard on yourself and attract a bunch of em? Then choose the one(s) who fit you best out of that pool?
Not only will this massively reduce your neediness around women, because you define your life by what YOU think of yourself and by what YOU do, not by what women think of you or what women choose to do with you…
It’ll naturally draw women to you, so you don’t have to work as hard or think so hard to get them… (If you’re not gonna bring the fun and the adventure, don’t expect her to. It’s not her job. Women gravitate towards energy so they can transform it. Generating it isn’t their job.)
And it’ll fulfill you and make you love yourself far more than a woman can.
You can only receive external love to the degree that you can generate it within yourself.
Now, we’re all imperfect humans. We NEED other people to feel happy and fulfilled, however external love is only an AMPLIFIER for the love we generate within ourselves. Other people’s love makes a difference in us for sure, but it works best when it’s complemented by the love that comes from within you.
A world that runs on insecurity will only attract more insecurity.
A world that runs on empowerment will only attract more empowerment.
Girls care about your inexperience as much as you do
So if you’re inexperienced, don’t hide it.
Be honest but not dull about it.
You think girls care you’re a virgin? They do! But only as much as you do.
Emotions are contagious. You feel shame about your inexperience, so will the girls. You feel “it is what it is” about it, so will the girls.
I’ve openly admitted my inexperience to the first couple girls I’ve really been with, and interestingly, they were okay with it. Your sex life’s gotta start somewhere.
And there’s nothing shameful about being an inexperienced guy, even a virgin. Don’t define your value as a man by how many girls you’ve been with, or by whether/how often you have sex. There’s plenty of better ways to prove your manhood.
Plus, being with one great girl beats being with 30 mediocre ones.
And if you’re into hooking up, quality still beats quantity. Have some standards. Don’t have sex just to have sex, with a girl you don’t genuinely desire, because it’s never as fulfilling as you imagine it’ll be. You gotta have sex for the right reasons, even if it’s only casual.
And that starts with having standards for yourself. If you’re not attracting girls who really do it for ya, raise your standards for yourself.
Keep these mindsets in mind too:
Failure isn’t being alone or rejected. Failure is being with a woman who’s only using you, who doesn’t align with your higher self. Failure is refusing to risk rejection. Failure is letting rejection shatter your sense of self.
Success isn’t having a woman. Success is being a valuable man. Success is doing what you gotta do, no matter what stands in your way. Approach women you find attractive. Be honest about your intent. Even if you get rejected, are you a failure for that? Or are you a success because you faced your fear and did something new?
Also, don’t envy just ANYONE who’s in a relationship.
I used to think “everyone’s got someone but me” and be insecure over it, but in hindsight…
- Those relationships had their own issues.
- Demographics matter. The girls I was jealous about simply weren’t right for me at all.
I didn’t have it so bad actually. I actually had a ton of energy freed up that I could invest in myself and my life. You gotta see your own bachelorhood the same way. It’s not an exile from love and fulfillment. It’s a path TO it.
Don’t beat yourself up over being single or celibate. It’s a hell of a lot better than some alternatives.
If dating is painful, you’re doing it wrong
Dating should be fun and exciting, not an energy drain!
After all, you’re doing it to meet someone who makes you feel more alive, not someone who drains the life force out of you and doesn’t give much back.
YOU DATE WITH THE INTENTION OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL MORE ALIVE.
If you’re only getting drained every time, then why the FUCK is that happening?
The best experiences I’ve had, that any guy’s had, with girls, are the ones where we’ve lost ourselves in laughing over dumb shit, had deep conversations where we’ve really connected, gone on unforgettable adventures together, and made happy memories overall. We’ve EXCHANGED life force, not drained it from each other.
So why would you lose your shit over Emily from Tinder not messaging you back fast enough? Or playing games with you? Or being dull and unreceptive? Let her fuck off if she’s killing the vibe like that!
If she doesn’t make you happier, let her go. Do something cool with your time instead of angsting over some girl who ain’t right for you.
Because trust me, when you DO YOU, when you move towards aligning yourself with the man you truly want and need to be… Women notice. They viscerally feel the life force on you, and they’re drawn to it.
Don’t define your dating experience by the negatives that come your way. Define it by the positives you create. That’ll naturally attract positive-natured women to you while repelling negative-natured ones.
Remember, gents… Your dating life is yours to create. It’s only a shitshow to the extent you let it be a shitshow.
So if you’re lost and drained but you’re committed to getting better…
If you’re committed to making your dating life abundant and exciting, no matter how it is currently…
Catch ya later,