My French side is pronouncing that like “sadbwa”, but anyhoo…
Let’s talk about sadbois.
(Allons parler des sadbwa…)
I used to be one, sadly. When I was 18/19, I’d wallow in my feelings, drink just a little too much whiskey and wine on a regular basis, cry by myself sometimes. I’d write poetry and journal entries and shit about how fucking sad I was and about how my life was out of my control.
All these things I wanted – girls, friends who weren’t emotionally abusive, adventures, sex, wild nights – AND I WASN’T GETTING ANY OF THEM. WHILE EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME HAD THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, LATE NIGHT ADVENTURES WITH FRIENDS, AND WILD PARTIES.
It was a frustrating, emasculating, degrading period of my life. Being a young college boy watching everyone around him go to wild parties, get laid, and look like they belong… While all the parties he went to were low-energy shite, he had no game with the ladies, and he fit in with no one.
I went to one good party where a girl even took me to her room after, for the first time in my life…
And I attempted suicide a week later. Why? Because that weekend, I only had an underwhelming night out at a bar with a buddy where we didn’t even talk to any girls. (That was in Quebec, and the drinking age there is 18, so no underage drinking here)
I felt powerless. I’d idealize other people but devalue myself. I wanted to meet other people’s emotional needs but I wasn’t doing what I had to to meet all my own. Lame.
The truth behind my sadboi state
I was a wreck back then, obviously. Though I was still conventionally strong and masculine in many ways – I loved contact sports and fighting, I worked out almost every day, I ate plenty of meat and enjoyed my whiskey, I had ambitions and shit…
My fatal flaw here was:
I associated authentic emotional expression with femininity. (we’ll get more into this real soon)
I thought being a man was all about being unemotional, stoic, unfazed.
But we men have our feelings too!
It’s normal! We feel the same emotions women do; we just process them differently.
And I compartmentalized mine. One side of me was this responsible, manly young guy who just wanted to move up in the world, who cared for facts over feelings… And the other side – SADBOI.
The former side would be me when I was sober, then the latter side would come out when I was drinking.
And neither side of me would git gurlz. Ouch.
But it all makes sense in hindsight.
Women don’t find stoic, unfeeling men attractive. Those men are BORING. Even if he’s got good preselection and a girl sleeps with him, she’s not gonna stick around. That’s just her using him for dick. So my persona there absolutely flopped with em.
And sadbois don’t get women because they’re emotional out of weakness. Unmasculine. Wanting the world to be their mommy instead of conquering it like a man. So when I’d get drunk, I’d REPEL the ladies.
Instead, I should have understood…
You can and should be emotional AND masculine
Emotional men get women. Not just that, they GET women. And they FUCK.
And that’s not the same thing as being a sadboi.
Remember, sadbois are emotional out of weakness. They vent their feelings just to vent, to get sympathy and attention from others.
MEN are emotional out of strength. Emotionality IS masculine.
Men suffer when they repress their emotions and try living up to the expectation of being a cold, stoic, unfeeling (BORING) man. That’s how my sadboi days came around. Inauthenticity doesn’t create anything great.
Is the love you have for your woman/women, friends, family, and community feminine? Unmasculine?
Is the pride you feel about your accomplishments and seeing people you care for succeed feminine or unmasculine?
Is the creative passion you feel for your projects feminine or unmasculine?
Is the fire you feel to CRUSH IT in life feminine or unmasculine?
Is the joy you feel when you’re in a high-vibration state feminine or unmasculine?
THAT’S ALL MASCULINE, BRO.
THIS IS THE FIERY, MASCULINE EMOTIONALITY THAT WILL INVIGORATE YOU AND THE WOMEN YOU MEET.
You don’t want to be some stoic alpha caricature. BORING.
Do what I’ve done – Integrate your masculine emotions into your conscious. Live life with FEELING. POSITIVE, MASCULINE FEELING.
Then watch as the women around you begin to mirror your vibe. You’re the sun. They’re the moon. And moonlight is just sunlight bouncing off the moon.
A lack of that sort of integration is a super common problem amongst men, especially intellectually oriented ones. They may not be sadbois, but they’re still emotionally repressed.
They don’t GET women for the same reason as sadbois. They don’t stimulate women’s emotional side, the side of them that craves being taken by a passionate, strong man. Sadbois’ pain and insecurity fills women with that same pain and insecurity. And repressed men’s lack of polarity fills women with that same lack of polarity.
Here’s the solution to that:
When you feel an emotion, lean into it. Don’t repress it. You’re not any less of a man for this.
You don’t feel what you feel accidentally. It’s all guiding you towards something greater.
Feel drained and insecure after spending time with someone? They’re not for your higher self.
Someone/something excites you and makes you feel more alive? Keep them/it around!
Feel horny or self-destructive? That’s energy. Harness it. Transmute it. Create something great with it.
Feel sad? Let yourself feel that way! Embrace it! I guarantee you’ll feel better processing it instead of pushing it away.
And when you’re happy, joyful, ecstatic, creative, imaginative… Be a man and show it to the world.
All this is easier said than done, of course.
But you may have decades of anti-masculine emotional conditioning that have to be undone. Otherwise, you risk being boring and/or sadboi to the ladies.