I was talking with a client about this earlier this week, and as soon as I brought it up, I knew – this concept deserves its own post.
He was, at one point, strongly attracted to a woman who HAD GAME (an unhealthy version of it, but still) despite her psychological baggage. She was unapologetic about her (situational) desire for him, but like many men, my dear client was dealing with uncertainty about how to express his own sexual desire.
His situation reminded me of a girl I used to have a massive crush on. Hot fitchick who dressed like she gave a fuck and also HAD GAME. She had a great social media presence and seemed to have a lively social circle. And I was strongly drawn to her. She was like a shining beacon in whatever crowd I’d see her in.
That made sense to me on both a conscious and unconscious level. Consciously, hot girl who was into fitness. Unconsciously, I was so swayed by her because I wanted to be a male version of her.
This is an important concept in psychological attraction – Identification attraction.
(and I believe no dating coach besides me has ever talked about this)
Identifying with other people is normal. We all have our role models, people we wish we were more like.
But when you feel identification attraction for a woman…
What the h*ck is that feeling in me?
You want to fuck a girl to absorb her energy, basically.
After all, sex is an exchange of ENERGIES and a contact of souls, not just an exchange of fluids and contact of bodies. We’re beings of energy, not just matter.
Identification attraction is when you’re attracted to someone YOU PERCEIVE ABOVE YOU based on traits of theirs you wish you could embody. It’s strong. It really shows you the true power of psychological attraction if biological attraction is all you’re used to.
As a man, directed at a woman, it happens when your masculinity‘s in an immature state and you’re not quite acquainted with its true potential. Then you see a woman with some real energy to her, and you’re drawn to her. But something’s stopping you from making a move like a man should. You’re enamored by her, but feel undeserving of her.
That’s because you’re not just attracted to the girl. You’re attracted to the possibility of who she could make you. You’re attracted to the possibility of rising to her level of energy. You’re attracted to the fantasy of her energy making you SOMEBODY.
In my dear client’s case, it was because part of him wished he could have her drive and sense of control.
In my case, it was because I wanted to have what she had – a social media following, a strong social life, and most prominently: an energy that set me apart from the crowd. And I wanted to be her boyfriend, of course.
You don’t have to fuck her to get that energy
Women don’t respect men who idolize and/or idealize them. That goes very against proper male/female energy dynamics. Your sexual energy starts within you, then is received and transformed by the woman.
So if you’re in a situation of identification attraction, this energy dynamic becomes inverted. YOU take on the receptive role, and the woman takes on the cultivatory role. (that’s a word now because I said so) Again, immature, undeveloped masculinity.
If you’re attracted to a woman in this way, where you lowkey want to BECOME HER, or at least take some of her traits for yourself, you should lean into it. You’re not feeling it accidentally, so don’t repress it. FEEL IT. This is your psyche/body telling you – You deserve a woman of this caliber (and better!), but you’re not yet the man who’ll attract her.
Cultivate masculine counterparts to the traits you want from her, in yourself.
After months of alcoholic dreaming and attempting to repress my desire for that girl who had energy unlike any other, I ended up leaning into that psychological attraction. I realized it wasn’t happening between us, ever, cultivated similar energy to hers within myself, then lost the desire for her. She played her part in my life, even if it was usually from a distance. My body/psyche got what it wanted from her.
I took some cues from my dear then-crush. I started posting more workout videos on Instagram. I modified my ambitions to be more like hers. I even started wearing graphic socks like she did.
Have some awareness though, about what’s REALLY going on when you experience this. It’s not always pretty.
I learned about the dark side of identification attraction with another girl – where her existence speaks to a part of you that seeks destruction and twisting what’s right into something wrong. But that’s a story I’m not ready to tell. In this case, I actually did sleep with her, developed MAJOR identification attraction for her, and that intensified my dark, repressed side.
Be aware when this happens. If a girl’s existence speaks to that dark, twisted side of you, acknowledge it, embrace it, but don’t embody it like I did there. It’s time you figure out the root cause of that side of yourself, then work through it. But that’s beyond the scope of this article. It’s best addressed in coaching.
When SHE feels identification attraction for you
When you feel identification attraction for a girl, that’s your body/psyche prompting you to cultivate similar energy to that girl’s within yourself.
And girls can feel that way about you too. It’s a more natural male/female dynamic this way, as SHE wants to absorb your energy. Though it’s still grounded in immaturity.
It’s incredibly powerful, temporarily. Girls can get ADDICTED to you over this desire for your energy in them, but these are incomplete girls. Your relationship won’t last unless your COMPLETE selves are a good fit for each other.
You’re a mirror to what’s missing in her. You’re a sign that she needs to cultivate your traits within herself to grow as a woman (a feminized version of them, obviously).
And she can – BY LITERALLY ABSORBING YOUR ENERGY. Since this is more in line with natural male/female dynamics, she can move towards completing herself by being intimate with you, both sexually and emotionally.
Her natural female role is receptive. As a woman, she has a tougher time cultivating raw energy within herself than men do, and she prefers to absorb it from her surroundings. By surrendering to her receptivity to you when she feels identification attraction for you, you can help her become a more integrated, whole woman. It’s a great power and a great responsibility to play this part in a girl’s life, so handle it well.
Feminine power grows when it’s praised and allowed to be soft.
Too many guys make the mistake of helping their girl grow like they would a guy – tough love, hardening her, directly pointing out where she’s flawed. That’s close to emotional abuse for her. All this does is make her ashamed of her femininity and being to resent you, so don’t treat her like a man. PRAISE THE GOOD IN HER and GENTLY LEAD HER. This is how a woman grows her femininity and flourishes.
Help a woman grow like this, and she’ll never forget you. She’ll even write songs or poems about you, or draw portraits of you, even after you’re no longer in her life, if you imprinted strongly enough on her and she’s a creative type like that.
Anyhoo, I hope this article was enlightening for you.
If you’re dealing with a severe case of identification attraction, positive or negative, and you want help working through it…
If you’re not quite sure how to embrace your masculine role of energy cultivation…
If there’s a girl in your life who wants your cray cray… But you’re unsure how to handle this aspect of femininity…