Too many of us guys have this problem. We see a woman who strikes our fancy, and…
We don’t do that. ^
We don’t do anything. We freeze up.
We FEAR the idea of approaching her and getting rejected.
We FEAR saying or doing some Wrong Thing that turns her off.
We FEAR that she’s gonna be telling her ladyfriends how “ew, this really creepy guy thought he stood a chance with me, as if!”
And what that could do to our reputations…
We fear being some creepy guy who becomes the talk of the town, an absolute shame for committing the crime of AGWA (approaching girls while awkward). Even on an individual level, that girl looks busy, we don’t want to bother her. What if she has a boyfriend, how embarrassing would that be? What if she’s single but we’re just not good enough for her? What if bystanders think we’re weird and creepy and socially clueless for talking to a strange girl just because we find her attractive?
But thankfully, IT’S ALL BULLSHIT. YOUR FEARS ARE BULLSHIT.
These fears are misaligned with reality. Likely rooted in past rejections or other negative experiences with women. They’re just defense mechanisms, and the sooner you recognize that, the better.
Be mindful of your frame
Guys ask – “How do I get over my fears around women?”
And I answer – Stop framing it in terms of fear. Our beliefs are POWERFUL.
If you believe that interacting with a woman you’re attracted to revolves around FEAR, whether it’s succumbing to it or overcoming it, that’s what your emotional world will run on.
Any anti-fear tactic or mindset you try to adopt will only feed your fear’s existence. Instead, for optimal results with women, you must STARVE your fear.
Thinking “I must overcome my fear” only perpetuates your focus on it, and its power over you.
Put your focus on something better – CURIOSITY. And hold on to it tightly.
Instead of thinking “I hope she doesn’t reject me”, think “I hope there’s something cool about her I haven’t seen yet”.
Instead of thinking “Am I good enough for her?”, think “Does she seem like the type of girl I’d enjoy?”
Instead of thinking “If she rejects me, that’ll SUCK”, think “I’d rather get rejected than wonder what could have been”.
Notice the reframe. Your focus is on a positive outcome. You believe that this experience should be one of CURIOSITY, whether it’s satisfying it or walking away slightly disappointed. In the latter case, if she’s cold with you or straight-up rejects you, it’s not that you didn’t meet her standards. It’s that the experience didn’t meet YOURS.
Adopt this reframe. Then let confidence and boldness ensue.
Get to the point where you’re uncomfortable NOT making a move when you’re around a girl you’re into.
“I’d rather make a fool of myself if it means doing what a man’s gotta do, than be a coward who fears rejection”
It’s what a single guy’s gotta do. Moving things forward with a woman, from the first conversation to the first fuck to the first date to the proposal, is your responsibility as a man!
Plus, this mentality will naturally draw you to girls whose emotional worlds also run on curiosity over fear.
The beliefs behind your frame are THE MOST POWERFUL THING in selecting which women are attracted to you.
What do you expect of women?
To reject you?
To appreciate you?
To be slutty and broken?
To be sweet and innocent?
To be manipulative and cruel with you?
To be honest and generous with you?
The frame of belief you have about women will naturally select women who align with it.
There’s a lot of dating advice out there. Some of it (ex. mine!) is intricate and nuanced. Some of it is very normie and generic (applicable to people in the “normie” range of any bell curve, but not so much for people on the extremes). Some of it is downright manipulative and hateful towards women or men.
And it all works, even the trashier stuff! But what depends is WHICH people it attracts.
Intricate and nuanced dating advice that makes you AWESOME, properly followed, gets you intricate, nuanced women who are similarly AWESOME.
Normie and generic dating advice, properly followed, gets you normie women who fit in with the crowd.
Manipulative, bitter dating advice written by people with psychological issues gets you manipulative, bitter women with psychological issues.
Funny tidbit about how my dating life was a few years ago: I’d attract normie girls + the occasional intricate, nuanced one. But I’d absolutely SINK THINGS with them because I’d be approaching them in a manipulative redpill frame that expected all women to be broken sluts. So guess what girls I did win over with those tactics. (hint: not the most pleasant ones usually!) Then I switched over to more vulnerable, normie game and I’d SINK THINGS with the broken girls too.
And once I made serious progress with my own emotional/mental health… Once I aligned myself with what I’ve always REALLY wanted out of life… I stopped attracting broken girls ENTIRELY.
So if you want to attract better women, do the deep work within yourself (that’s what coaching’s for!) and watch as the lower-quality women suddenly want to have nothing to do with you, and higher-quality women start to become curious about you.
It’s all because your existence is drawing people on similar levels of it to you.
Now apply this principle to your fear, your insecurity, your approach anxiety, your lack of experience, etc.
And her frame
When someone talks about something, positively or negatively, it’s obviously on their mind. Be mindful of what FRAME a girl’s operating in. This is her worldview. Like yours, it selects the guys she naturally vibes with.
BE MINDFUL OF WHAT SHE SEEMS TO BE EXPECTING OF YOU.
Content of speech is an expression of internal schema.
Now let’s go over some examples of how this principle manifests.
Some girls describe themselves by physical characteristics on social media and dating apps, ex. height, skin tone, “I’m a brunette now”…
They expect to be objectified for their looks.
Some girls talk about how they don’t want an asshole, “no hookups”, how guys just want to pump and dump…
They expect to be used for sex.
Some girls approach guys with authenticity, searching for a genuine, high-consciousness connection.
They expect that same authenticity from the guys they date.
(That’s the type of girl redpill guys don’t think exists!)
And here’s a male example: Have you ever met a guy who does those same things? Defines himself by his looks because he wants to be objectified for them? Complains about women because he only attracts trashy ones? Expects women to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate…
Guess what sorts of women will and won’t tolerate his beliefs. Law of attraction!
Or a guy who’s a genuine ray of sunshine who expects love, strength, and integrity in the people he meets.
Guess what sorts of women will and won’t tolerate his beliefs.
Again, beliefs determine compatibility.
If a woman speaks of men as if they’re stupid and trashy, she expects men to be stupid and trashy. If a man speaks of women as if they’re all broken sluts who want to manipulate men, guess what he expects women to be.
Would you tolerate her? Would healthy women tolerate him?
Even if overtly, they use kind words and preach good things, if the INTENTIONS behind their words frame (wo)men in a negative way, if they live life in victim/perpetrator dynamics, then they’ll still repel healthy, high-vibration people without saying a word. They’ll still make you uneasy if you exist at a higher vibration than that. Use your intuition here! Trust your gut!
It’s pretty easy to filter out girls with toxic frames when your own frame is healthy.
But if every girl you vibe with drains your energy, that’s because something about you is attracting her. That could very well be your expectations stemming from a frame of fear. Like certain animals, women smell it on you. And the predatory, toxic, draining ones will jump right on you for it.
Like a computer, you’ve been programmed by media, society, and your upbringing.
Some things about us are innate and we’re best off leaning into them rather than trying to undo them, which is futile.
As for certain programming in us, especially our hurts, it can and should be undone. EX. OUR FEARS AND NEEDINESS WITH WOMEN
And keep in mind, even relatively healthy girls (and healthy guys, of course) have their shadow and their insecurities. It’s not just guys. It’s not just the more unhealthy girls.
We’ve all been hurt in some way. You can’t find a girl who hasn’t been.
We’ve all been negatively programmed in some way. You also can’t find a girl who hasn’t been.
As for yourself…
Your fears and anxieties with women are just negative programming. The natural state of man is to be confident and assertive with women. Masculine confidence isn’t a skill you build. It’s a natural instinct you UNCOVER from beneath that negative programming.
To improve your own frame/programming/aura/vibe/energy, the best thing you can do is associate yourself with people who already embody it. This form of reality is mimetic. It’s passed on and strengthened between people. That’s one of the reasons coaching works so well compared to just reading. You’re not just downloading information into yourself, you’re downloading what REALLY works – frame/programming/aura/vibe/energy.
Some smaller things you can do:
- Listen to music with good energy. No sad, sappy shit. No music that’s some guy lamenting that women are too good for him or that his life sucks.
- Consume films/shows/books that portray heroism, love, healthy masculinity and femininity, thriving in adversity. Not cowardly, callous main characters unless it’s to laugh at them.
- Look up to men who stand for good things, no matter how mundane. They don’t have to be superheroes or badasses. Just embodiments of the divine masculine.
- Treat your body and your soul with some respect. Eat natural, nutrient-dense foods instead of processed garbage. Get/stay in shape. Find real joy in living, not false joy in fantasy and escape. Only associate with people who make you a better, happier man.
These things shape us more than you may think! Consume things, meet people, put yourself in environments that operate in a frame of love, curiosity, reason, and courage…
And you’ll find yourself adopting that very same frame.
Plus the more conscious you are about what’s programming you, the more conscious you will be of other people’s programming.
Going by their choices and behaviors, what internal schemas and programming do you notice in people? What do their INTENTIONS and what their behavior’s really accomplishing say about what kind of person they are?
Think about that.