Finding my voice

I am hard as FUCK on myself. In my mind, if 3 things go wrong with something/someone, 20 of them are my fault and I didn’t do any of them well enough.

Much of my inner work 3ish years ago was about exactly that – reminding myself that I’m not to blame for a lot of things I used to freak out over, and that I have more power over my circumstances than I think. I would have stayed in some incredibly destructive patterns if I didn’t come to that realization.

As with many character traits, it’s a positive and a negative. It’s served me well in parts of life with a predictable procedure, ex. at school and in fitness and athletics. Being hard on myself in those domains means working hard, means better results.

But in dating and personal growth, things often aren’t so predictable or procedural…

Including me taking some time off from dating coaching and related stuff.

The last half or so of 2020, I was stagnating. I wrote a few gems, but I wasn’t enjoying writing the dating stuff quite like I used to. I’d do it entirely out of boredom/obligation/an excuse to drink some coffee. I tried convincing myself the resulting content was good, but honestly, I wasn’t feeling it at all.

A bunch of stuff I wrote during that period won’t ever see the light of day.

And I was slipping up in my personal life, like, a lot. I was making mistakes, regressing, relapsing, thinking about the world in ways I thought were years behind me. You can imagine I wasn’t feeling too proud of myself. My energy was polluted.

At a certain point, I just broke. Laid in bed without eating for an entire weekend questioning every bit of my reality. I was too emotionally exhausted to stand up. I decided to give myself some downtime, some time away from dating coaching and related stuff, some time away from my social life and most people.

I hid this blog away, took a hiatus from thinking about dating and related stuff, stayed active on my favourite addiction – the goshforsaken bird app, got work done on other projects, kept working out and eating well, and most importantly – did some inner work.

Here’s what I learned:

I lost my humanity doing the dating coaching stuff.

Something I was once passionate about became a damn obligation – writing blog posts and newsletters, making half-assed videos, posting stuff on the bird app…

“Is this actually going anywhere?”

I even considered quitting dating coaching for good, but then I remembered 2 things:

  1. All my failures and successes in the dating world have been invaluable in my personal growth. If I could do it all again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
  2. The fact that dating coaching is one of the few things in this world I’m willing to work obsessively hard at. I’ve been obsessed with this part of life for a decade! I can’t just quit now!

I still felt awesome and aligned doing client calls, but I was fatigued with my content. A bunch of it wasn’t wrong on an intellectual level, but it wasn’t written in the frame I’m living in now.

“Is this helpful?” I thought about a bunch of it. “Will the guys I want to help read this and become better men because of it?”

I ended up removing a ton of old newsletters and blog posts, 81 of them to be exact. They all either weren’t useful, or the way they were written was too low-quality by my current standards. Their words may have been correct, but their energy was lacking. I may have understood the information on an intellectual level, but these weren’t posts that would truly resonate in the hearts of the men I want to help.

They didn’t embody the confident, healthy, ambitious mindset I want to instill in my clients.

I’m happy to say all this, because I wouldn’t be growing if I wasn’t surpassing my prior selves, or encountering pain that demands personal growth. I now feel more in alignment with my higher self than ever before.

A bit more self-awareness

Truth is, I didn’t know I was operating out of FEAR to a degree. Unknowingly focused on my image over the substance beneath it.

We all have parts of ourselves we’re blind to – some good, some bad.

During this period of inner work, I learned that while dating coaching is still something I can see myself doing in the long-term, I won’t be as successful as I want to be until I really find my voice.

I learned that trying to fit a “dating coach” mold wasn’t the brand that made me feel like ME. Especially on YouTube. I really DID NOT enjoy filming all those now-deleted videos. When I get back into it, I’ll be applying this same principle of my written content to them:

I learned that I should make my content with the intent of solving problems and providing more take-aways than anything, not with the intent of “I’ll make this, you read it, you give me money and work with me”.

I learned to lean into the seemingly irrelevant things my brain had been obsessing over for months or years – because that obsession wasn’t accidental. My psyche was telling me I needed to rediscover certain things about myself. Certain great things I’d forgotten about past versions of myself.

Try that with yourself too. You’re obsessing over something? Can’t get it off your mind? What about YOU have you forgotten that it’s trying to nudge you towards? Some parts of you need more love!

I learned I wasn’t letting myself HURT enough. I was too comfortable. My body was CRAVING some strong pain to alchemize into something greater, and it ended up finding that pain in a few destructive decisions. I was denying myself certain parts of my humanity.

I wasn’t leaning enough into my humanity with girls last year. I was operating through pure desire, not always enough comfort, which could work, get them wanting to hook up with me, but it wasn’t ideal for actually connecting with them.

Moving forward, I’ll be more vulnerable. More realistic and down-to-earth yet still full of vision and incredibly fun at parties.

This was a necessary metamorphosis, a necessary step for me to reach my full potential as a dating coach (I’m pretty good but I’m still learning new things all the time!), and I’m happy to be back in the game.

Same wisdom, different title – I decided that “Male sexual energy coach” fits my area of expertise more accurately.

Expect some sexy content coming your way, starting with my new ebook The Three Fundamentals of Attraction. I open up about more past mistakes and flaws of mine there than I did here, and of course, about the necessary lessons they’ve taught me about how the dating world works. I answered as many common questions, solved as many common problems as I could in those sexy 132 pages and 47,000 words that I wrote in 3 weeks of nonstop 8+ hour work days.

This book is some of the best work I’ve ever done, and including it in my coaching package will help clients understand a whole bunch of concepts on their own time, so they can grow faster while working with me.

And writing it helped me get to know a few things about myself.

Enjoy!

– Ben

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