You want to escape the friend zone with your crush. Is it possible?
First things first, I don’t buy into the mainstream idea that guys in the friendzone are all predatory, just befriending girls with ulterior motives then getting mad at them when they don’t fuck. Yes, that happens, I’m not denying the experiences of people who’ve had that.
Most often, what goes on is – a morally decent guy befriends a girl just to befriend her, because she’s cool and makes a welcome addition to his social life. Then FUCK, she’s so cool that he’s now accidentally caught feelings for her. What’ll he do now, if they enjoy each other’s company but he’s unsure if she’d feel romantically about him too?
You’re not stupid. You know the way out of this isn’t to do a 4-year degree in getoutofthefriendzoneology – it’s to do the damn thing and admit your feelings to her. Easy.
What may not be so easy is facing certain truths…
Will she see potential in you and give you a shot?
Or will she hit you with the “let’s just be friends”?
Or worse, stop talking to you entirely because your pathetic ass has Ruined The Friendship™?
I’m here to tell you that escaping the friendzone is possible. I’ve done it, but I won’t kiss and tell about that. Better yet, even if this girl rejects you, you can still keep her in your social circle with no awkward tension.
Understand that this girl won’t solve your personal problems
You’re human. You have emotional needs like anyone does. You want sex, companionship, and to feel like you live for something above yourself. Without fulfilling these, especially the last one, you’ll rightfully live in misery.
You need other people in your life to fulfill these needs, obviously. No man is an island.
Friendzoned guys go wrong when they assume their crush (or girls in general) is the only person who can do that for them.
Get companionship from your bros. Female friends can offer perspectives and opportunities you can’t get from guy friends, but spending too much time around women sexually depolarizes you and dulls your masculine edge, which is what feminine girls are truly attracted to in a guy.
You NEED regular “guy time” to be spiritually healthy as a man. If you’re lonely or bored, hit up a bro and do something fun with him. And if you don’t already have bros but you’re looking for a girlfriend, you’re putting the cart before the horse. When you meet a girl you like and she’s the only source of companionship you care about, it’s incredibly easy to become overinvested in her and get so needy that it drives her away from you. Even if you’re highly in tune with your masculine essence.
The girls you want to be with want you to have this masculine brotherhood. Women don’t like being the #1 thing in a man’s life. It’s not women’s responsibility to tend to your emotional wounds, give you the sweet release from loneliness that you crave. They’re not goddesses; they’re imperfect people just like you with their own problems, insecurities, and blind spots. Plus, this mentality of “if I can just be with her, I’ll feel like a complete, purposeful man” is incredibly disrespectful to you. It assumes you’re NOT ALREADY WORTHY of being a complete man, and it takes away your agency over your happiness by placing it in another flawed human being’s small, soft hands. (or big, calloused hands if your crush is a female pro basketball player who likes to deadlift. That’s some guys’ type!)
Your sense of purpose can’t be a woman. The most exciting thing in your life can’t be a woman. To be spiritually/emotionally/mentally healthy as a man, you NEED self-actualization. You need to have life purposes and pursuits beyond your own self-preservation.
Bring her into your world, not vice versa
You need to emotionally distance yourself from this girl if you ever want to have a real shot with her.
Might not be easy. The more you think “I need to not be so invested in her”, the more you’ll remind yourself of how invested you truly are. And it’s not about being a cold jerk to her. Treat her like just another peripheral friend in your life.
Take the emotional energy you put into caring for her, and redirect it into the rest of your life. It can’t stay in one place. It has to go somewhere. Your high investment in her is just a dissociation of the investment you’re lacking in making your own place in the world.
Again, spend time with your guy friends. If you don’t have guy friends or your guy friends suck, get The Three Fundamentals of Attraction and follow the testosterone-boosting advice within.
Do things that make you happy. Work at accomplishing the things you dream of accomplishing. Live your life independent of her. Women don’t respect men whose life purpose is to be with a woman. They want their men to be self-directed, to constantly be busy with creating their own lifestyle and blazing their trail in the world with or without a woman. If you just seek to enter a woman’s world and make it yours, that fantasy will never come true for you.
You need to cultivate YOUR OWN GIFTS, make YOUR OWN FRIENDS, get up to YOUR OWN ADVENTURES AND PURSUITS without her in the picture. Waiting for a woman to give all those things to you is spiritual suicide. It places an unfair burden on her that she can never fulfill and takes away your own power.
And keep your options open. Focusing too strongly on one girl who you aren’t even dating blinds you to all the other amazing girls out there. You never know when you’ll meet a girl who’s a much better fit for you than she is.
If you ever find yourself thinking “do it for her” (when she’s not your wife!) while you’re training or at work or exploring some new place…
Tell that thought to fuck off.
You’re doing this for your own self-respect.
You were put on this earth to live your life, not hers.
Surviving the nuclear option
Oftentimes in your personal growth, the only way out is through. You’re sick of dancing around the issue, getting no definitive answers. You have to go direct and risk blowing the entire thing up. Good.
“Belinda, I have something to tell you”
She may play dumb, but she knows what’s coming. Girls are aware of what guys really want from them, no matter what “I didn’t know he felt this way about me” story they spin.
How you frame this move forward is incredibly important.
Usually, when a friendzoned guy admits his feelings, it’s some sort of one-on-one honest rant that tries to come off as cool, not super super emotionally invested. ex. “I’ve felt this way about you for a while and it’s fine if you’re not interested, but…” and then he rambles on and on and repeats the same points over and over. He emotionally masturbates himself to the girl.
The subcommunication doesn’t lie, which is “you are above me in every way and I am begging that you have me”. He’s talking to the girl like he’s sucking up to her at a job interview.
You’re better off putting desire before comfort. First, you passively create desire in her, through your looks and an exciting lifestyle that makes you happy. Bring her into it if there’s a place for her, but you need to do what you do for YOU.
It can’t revolve around her, or you’ll end up like this guy:
Give her comfort by nonchalantly, succinctly leveling with her about how you truly feel without compromising your “desire” traits. No big long speeches, just action. You need to frame yourself as the masculine provider in this case, NOT like she’s the thing you’ve always dreamed about having. You need to provide her a potential adventure with you (that was already set up by her previous brushes with your world), not expect her to lead you into something great and finally make you feel like a complete man.
If she’s still not into it, your connection can survive if she genuinely cares for you. She can stay in your social circle as you work on yourself and pursue other women. An experience like this could be invaluable in your personal growth.
Feelings don’t kill friendships, dishonesty does. If honesty drives someone away from you, you did both of you a favor. Whatever you had definitely wasn’t that great in the first place.