There’s a ton of information on this Internet about how to be an attractive man.
Attracting women is a valuable life skill, and any man would be a fool to deny the importance of women in his life.
There’s more than one school of thought about this.
Some men say…
“Be tall and muscular and high-status, and that’s how to get girls. You’re fucked if you aren’t those things. Women only want the most Alpha men and don’t care for the Betas.”
Other men say…
“Your looks don’t matter too much. Learn game, learn what words and behaviors hit the attraction triggers of a girl’s brain, and you’re golden! You can be broke and unemployed and ugly, but if you know how to shift social dynamics in your favor and position yourself as an attractive man of status, women will be turned on by you.”
And the mainstream advice goes like…
“Treat her with respect. Have basic social skills. Make her feel comfortable with you and understand her perspective. See what sort of common ground you two have and date for that deep connection. Dating should be fun! Just own your true self, and you’ll find someone who likes you for you!”
Who’s right?
Tell me, who’s right?
Here’s the truth:
All these schools of thought on how to be an attractive man, how to attract girls, how to get laid are correct.
None of them are perfect, however. They all have their flaws that the other schools of thought rightfully fill in. So I prefer not to lean too strongly into any of them. Rather, to be a man who’s successful in dating, you need to take what works about these “how to get women into you” philosophies and discard what doesn’t.
Being a handsome athletic 6’4″ man will help you get laid and get girls into you… At first impression. A man like this still needs to work to get women, just not as hard as a less genetically gifted man. And plenty of women will objectify him for his looks, so it can be harder for more good-looking men to tell which women like HIM and which ones like only the fantasy of him.
Being top 1% in looks isn’t in the cards for most men, no matter the work you do on your appearance.
But just like us men, there are very very few perfectly good-looking women out there. (and there’s plenty of good-looking women with flaws that are eclipsed by their better traits out there!) For almost any man, getting in shape, eating well, dressing to an archetype, having a not-ugly haircut, and having high testosterone levels is enough to make him attractive to at least SOME attractive women. Women care about our looks, but not for the same reasons we care about theirs.
Knowing game and knowing how to position yourself as a man of value is necessary from the first meeting to the bedroom to every date after that to the difficult moments to the 10th year of marriage and onward. With this alone, you can convince a lot of women that you’re an attractive man. So these social tactics work…
IF there’s some genuine substance to them.
(Plus, if you feel the need to CONVINCE women you’re attractive, that’s showing a lack of faith in yourself!)
Women of value have a strong intuition. Unconfident men can ACT like men of value around them, but this persona never holds up. Either it cracks early on and the man’s true self reflexively shows itself… Or the man manages to hold it up, gets a bit deeper with the woman, then the persona cracks and she gets buyer’s remorse for having picked a guy who’s less of a man than she originally thought.
Game and social tactics do work to ESCALATE pre-existing attraction with women, but unless there’s a real spark, energy, magnetism in them that can’t be faked, they’re an empty performance done for transactional purposes. They’ll lead to dead lead after dead lead. (try saying that last sentence 10 times fast)
As for the basic social skills, respect for women, finding common ground, and just being yourself so you can find a woman who likes you for you…
That works best when you have the prior two fundamentals in order. A girl will be comfortable around you for being aware of her feelings and boundaries and personhood, but that emotional awareness by itself isn’t conducive to sexual polarity.
If a man doesn’t have his body, masculinity, or game in check, it leads to frustrating dating experiences. Being friendzoned. Being scared to approach women because you don’t see yourself as a sexual being. Spilling your entire life story on the first date and boring her immensely. Finally getting into a relationship with a girl who likes you for you, then feeling her attraction to you slip away with no idea where it all went wrong.
Overall, you should work on your body and your physical/mental health. You should be a socially capable leader. You should be aware of emotional realities and have respect for both women and yourself. All of this will make your dating life easier and less frustrating.
But the fundamental thing that draws women to men is…
Masculine energy
In the early days of my dating life, I was very game-focused. I was one of those guys who thought it was all about behaving in certain ways. Having fun with the girl. Deliberately not coming off as too interested. Showing her you’re a man of value through your words and your behavior.
I’d get nowhere.
Except when I would.
In those cases, the girl would usually approach me. I’d sometimes take the hint and move the interaction forward.
In other cases, she wouldn’t have been into me at first, but then I’d game her a bit, get a bit sexual, and she’d warm up and get more receptive to me. But why though? It went against everything I used to believe about women – that they’re disgusted by men expressing their sexuality, that a man’s creepy if he’s too much of a leader in the flirting, that they alone control who bangs who.
I knew it was something to do with energy, but I didn’t understand that I was channeling my innate MASCULINE ENERGY.
So when I’d deliberately try to recreate my successes by injecting some generic, performative energy into my game… I’d get nowhere. When I deliberately tried to get a girl more attracted to me like the other times, it just wouldn’t happen. She’d stay unreceptive.
That’s because real masculine energy CAN’T BE FAKED. Women have a 6th sense for which guys are faking it and which guys are making it in this world. Which men are more man than all the rest? Her intuition knows.
That masculine energy is what women are truly drawn to in a man. And it’s innate within all of us. Generating it and controlling it are one of the main things I go over in coaching.
You know that anxiety you get around a gorgeous woman? That makes you perk up and get full of sexual tension? Paralyzed? Wishing you could do all sorts of sexy things with her? That’s her stimulating the flow of masculine energy in your body!
The men who win with attractive women, regardless of their looks, status, social circle, game, interesting hobbies, and whatever else… Are the men who can best generate, handle, and control this sexual energy.
Many men wrongfully take this energy as pure anxiety. When they feel it flow through them, they panic. They shut down. They stay in their comfort zone while distancing themselves from the woman, believing that their sexuality is shameful and creepy or that they’re not worthy enough for her. They release it in front of a computer screen in their bedrooms.
I hope these men enjoy average women and aren’t actually too into the gorgeous ones.
The more attractive a woman is, the more of this sexual tension she’ll generate around her. The more attractive a man is, the more capable he is of handling and channeling this sexual tension.
You NEED tension for there to be sexual magnetism between you and a girl. It’s the opposite of a bad thing!
Without it, you can get laid. You can date around and get into relationships. Just not with the girls I imagine you’re REALLY turned on by.
Is that image making you feel at least a bit of tension?
Feeling this tension around a girl you meet in person is a good sign. It’s your body telling you to go for her. You’ll regret not acting on it when you miss your window, trust me.
And if you don’t feel it around her, or you only slightly feel it and you’re “meh” about it, regardless of how good-looking she is or how much stuff you have in common, leave her be. Befriend her at best.
Women feel this tension around attractive men too. If you’re feeling it for her, I guarantee she’s feeling it for you too. You may be more attractive than you think.
Being a gent about it
I’ve talked about expressing your sexuality and your masculine sexual energy in this post, now I’ll close by addressing a concern you likely have, since being in touch with your sexual energy is a MUST for a fulfilling dating life:
How do you express your sexuality with a woman WHILE respecting her boundaries and keeping her comfortable with you if she’s not into you?
The last thing we want is to be the guy who creeps on a girl, who makes her feel uncomfortable, and is overly pushy with his sexuality.
We can think about expressing our sexuality in binary ways, that we need to remove all sexuality from our interactions to keep women comfortable, or we risk becoming one of those dick pic-sending, “hey honey, I wanna fuck your sexy ass” types.
Wrong. SEXUALITY IS WHAT GETS HER. Women aren’t turned on by a man’s clothes or apartment or tactics or muscles or all the cool things he wants to discuss. They’re turned on by MASCULINITY. Your fashion choices, grooming, fit body, social tactics, and life pursuits aren’t the source of your masculine energy. They’re extensions, manifestations of it.
You must first acknowledge and surrender to your sexual energy, then express it in controlled ways. Women want a man who’s IN CONTROL of his sexuality, not a man who’s a slave to his lust. Women want to be desired, but they don’t want to be lusted for. There’s a difference.
That means complimenting a woman when something about her genuinely catches your eye (if it’s her body, don’t get too sexy too fast unless you already have a sexual relationship. Just saying “you’re really pretty” is enough if you don’t know each other on that level yet).
That means when you REALLY desire her, gently taking the lead and sloooowly escalating the tension. Looking her in the eyes and penetrating her aura with your raw desire. You can talk about the most mundane things while doing this, and she’ll still be hooked. This will only creep her out if you don’t genuinely feel strong, visceral desire for her and you’re going for her just to get a girl. She wants to feel desired, not used.
That means when the tension becomes undeniable, you embrace it and consciously control it. You don’t let it crush you or get you doing anything reckless. You let it flow through your body, and you direct it back onto the woman, creating a circuit of sexual energy between you two.
It should feel like a dance. You gently lead her, she follows your lead through her own feminine power. You both push and pull. Maybe you even spin her around.
You should never feel like you’re coercing or manipulating a woman into anything. If you feel this way, stop and hold space for her. If she really wants you, she’ll be doing her part in making something happen.
We men fail in dating when we over-intellectualize things, constantly search for the right philosophies that’ll magically get women into us.
There’s no well-kept secret formula for dating success that’s somewhere out there on the internet. There’s only sexuality.
Sexuality is the most natural thing in the world, as blind as some of us are to it.
For more of these insights, The Three Fundamentals of Attraction is a book that’s packed with them.
And if one-on-one coaching on growing your sexual energy (and consequently, your dating life) is more for you, you know what to do.
Git dem gurlz!
– Ben
