We all know the story – nice guy likes girl and is pumped af to treat her right, girl’s like “awww ur so sweet but I only like u as a friend“, then she gets fucked by a Chad jerk asshole who mistreats her, and she comes back to him for more while Mr. Nice Guy cries on his friends’ shoulders about it.
“She didn’t like me because I’m too nice”
Right?
Not entirely.
“Why do women like assholes? Why do women like jerks?”
Is that on your mind?
Disagreeable men do better with women than spineless men do, I’m sure you’ve seen it. There’s more raw masculinity to a pure jerk than to a pure nice guy.
It’s not that women do or don’t like the bad boys. It’s that they’d rather have an overly disagreeable asshole of a guy who stands for something, than an overly agreeable coward of a guy who’s too scared to do anything but go along with whatever he thinks other people want from him.
Yes, it’s true that being a weak, overly agreeable “nice guy” will dry attractive women’s panties and get them seeing you as a friend at best, but…
Some disgruntled “nice guys” overcompensate. Instead of treating women kindly with a backbone, they assume that any sort of kindness is repulsive to women, which isn’t true. Rather than define their true values beyond getting women to approve of them, they stay needy, and express that neediness in a slightly-less-unattractive way – completely disregarding other people’s feelings in favor of their own.
They become the very thing they used to feel inferior to, which works on certain women – broken, low self-esteem ones who don’t see through their fragile image. But any woman of real value, of real character, steers clear of these wannabe alpha male jerk players.
This can be a necessary step on a guy’s journey as he learns to be more confident and assertive. Being a stone-cold asshole once in a while can be a sobering experience for a guy who’s used to walking on eggshells around absolutely everyone.
But this isn’t a long-term fix for your neediness. It keeps you in the same dynamic, the same way of thinking. You only occupy a different role in it. Your need for people to see you a certain way persists, and you only do a slightly better job at hiding it.
So don’t get stuck in the asshole, jerk, player phase if that’s you. Or else the only women you’ll have access to will be similarly cold, uncaring ones.
Some women do want men to treat them poorly, and will actively seek out men who are emotionally unavailable, manipulative, or domineering. This is broken, low self-esteem, or immature women’s idea of love. Being a kind, decent man to them will kill their respect for you and make them think you’re weak.
These women should be unimportant to you if you’re an emotionally healthy gent. They can learn their lessons on their own time if they choose to. You’re better off setting your sights on ladies who match your level of emotional intelligence.
You don’t have to be one or the other
The nice guy and the jerk archetypes both have their strengths and weaknesses.
The nice guy is a loyal friend who wants to treat other people well, but he lacks respect for himself. Women may like him, but they won’t respect him as a man.
The jerk is dominant and aggressive. He aims to get his needs met, but he lacks respect for others. Women may be turned on by him, and want to sleep with him, but he doesn’t embody the full spectrum of masculinity. He’s unlikely to be pursued for a relationship, and some women will find him attractive… but refuse to hook up with him to preserve their values/reputation. They don’t want to be the girl who fucked the player.
You shouldn’t box yourself into either category. Attraction is more complex than the nice guy/jerk dichotomy.
Rather, take what works about both archetypes and discard what doesn’t.
The “nice guy” only tries to meet other people’s needs, disregarding his own. The “jerk” only aims to meet his own needs, disregarding other people’s. But there’s a third option – the “good man”, “good guy” archetype.
Prioritize meeting your emotional needs BEFORE, NOT INSTEAD OF meeting other people’s. This is where both the “nice guy” and the “jerk” go wrong. They both assume emotional needs are a zero-sum game, where one party wins while the other loses. The “good guy” knows it’s not like that.
This is the man who the highest-quality, most emotionally healthy, most feminine women want you to be. Assertive and direct out of love, not lack. Kind with a backbone. The type of man who can BOTH openly praise someone from his heart AND kindly tell someone upfront to shove it.
The type of man who can BOTH treat a woman like a lady, kindly and respectfully AND dominantly play around with her like she’s his whore. The type of man who’s BOTH emotionally vulnerable AND emotionally tough. The type of man who has BOTH big dick energy and warmth in his heart, not just one or the other.
It’s not that women are attracted (or not) to nice guys – it’s that they like it when men they’re attracted to are nice to them. Niceness doesn’t create desire, but it can add some flavor to pre-existing desire by contrasting that desire with comfort. (any man who’s successful with women knows the importance of comfort!)
It’s not that women are attracted (or not) to jerks – it’s that sometimes, they’ll find this sort of man attractive DESPITE, not because of his lack of care (unless they’re very damaged, in which case it can be because of that). It’s usually women who lack masculine energy in their lives, and mostly know men without it. She meets a man who’s seemingly self-directed even if he’s a jerk, and wants him because he brings at least some form of masculine polarity to her life.
So. Let’s wrap things up here.
The archetypal “nice guy” and “jerk” men embody part of what women want from a man, but neither are the whole picture.
Do you need to be a jerk to attract women? No, but “jerk” qualities are attractive when they’re integrated alongside “comfort” traits. On their own, they only attract damaged women.
Are women attracted to nice guys? Not sexually. Not on a “desire” level. But kindness, generosity, openness, emotional vulnerability, and being mindful of a girl’s feelings and emotions ARE VALUABLE “COMFORT” TRAITS. On their own, they make you good “friend” material, but they enhance “desire” traits when put alongside them.
So gents, don’t assume you have to force yourself to be either of these archetypes to get women. Just being a man and yourself is enough.
If you aren’t fully aware of your potential to grow into your manhood…
Dating/sexual energy coaching is the next step for you.
Let’s fucking go,
– Ben
