Some corners of the male dating advice community are hyperfixated on being an “alpha male” while avoiding being a “beta”.
It’s easy to circlejerk and LARP about this. It’s easy to obsess over how to be an alpha male and all these minute signs of an alpha male or beta male – how they stand, how they walk, how they dress, what music they listen to, how they interact with women…
It’s easy to find contradictory definitions of what “alpha” and “beta” are. One man’s “alpha male” is often another man’s “I never want to be that guy”.
Let’s move beyond those terms.
Really, there’s TWO umbrella archetypes of manhood that women find attractive, and the more you embody both of these, the better you’ll do in the dating world and the more confident you’ll be in your manhood.
These archetypes are the LOVER and the PROVIDER.
And every woman wants you to be some degree of one of them, or more commonly, strong in both.
You’ll attract different types of women based on how strong you are in these archetypes. Being a good Lover and not-so-good Provider will get you some women – women who are strong in their feminine counterpart to the Lover but weak in their feminine counterpart to the Provider. Same principle for men who are strong Providers but weak Lovers – they’ll strongly attract women who are the same. We’ll get into the female equivalents of these in a later post.
So let’s get to what these really mean.
The Provider may be confused for the “beta male” who men in an immature state of discovering their masculinity would hate to be, but he’s actually quite attractive to women.
The Provider tends to be the hardworking career man, the guy with a strong social life, the guy who knows people and who’s liked by everyone who knows him.
He’s the man who women want to date long-term, marry, and have in their social circle.
Women feel safe, secure, and comfortable with these men. Any man who understands women knows these are very important traits in attraction. A woman may find a man objectively attractive, but she won’t be receptive to him unless she feels safe and comfortable with him, unless she feels like being with him won’t compromise her image and social status.
Physically, he’s masculine but unpolarizing. Provider men tend to dress and present themselves in completely socially accepted archetypal ways – the trendy or basic haircut, clothes that look good but don’t stand out, and a fit body + healthy mind built with the intention of looking good and feeling healthy. Women pick up on these signals of status, and you know how much women love status.
The feelings that drive a Provider are responsibility, a thirst for worldly success, and a genuine desire to see himself and others grow and thrive and be happy together. The Provider finds purpose in protecting and providing for his family and tribe.
Overall, Providers make great partners for women. They more easily pair bond than Lovers do. They’re reliable, trustworthy, giving, and committed.
However, a pure Provider lacks excitement. He’ll turn on the social, safety-and-security-seeking part of a woman, but he can’t turn on the primal, animalistic, emotional side of a woman.
That’s the Lover’s job.
The Lover isn’t always the jacked Alpha Male with a great career. In fact, lots of fit, jacked, successful dudes actually lean more Provider.
The Lover’s attractiveness comes from his savage side, not his gentlemanly side. He’s conscious of the part of his masculine essence that’s independent of society, while the Provider is conscious of the part of his masculine essence that works entirely within society.
The Lover tends to be the man who goes his own way in life. Ex. The athlete, the artist, the actor, the vagabond, the rugged blue-collar man, the masculine marauder, the man who seeks return to nature.
His profession and social status can attract women in a Provider sense, but his raw, primal masculinity is what really makes him The Lover.
Since he brings his primal masculine nature into civilized society, this often rocks the boat. He’s much more polarizing than the Provider, is much more willing to subvert societal norms, and tends to have higher testosterone than most men. His body and mind are built through pushing his edge, with the intention of gaining mastery over nature. He presents himself in polarizing masculine ways – he’s an archetype of dominance, potency, and self-direction. His looks and aura radiate RAW POWER, not just success and status.
Plus, he’s disliked more by men and women than the provider is (often projected hidden envy and jealousy). Especially if he’s physically formidable, men who are lacking in their own Lover archetype get intimidated around him.
The feelings that drive the Lover are a hunger to penetrate women and the world, to face pain and fight and push his own edge, to test his physical and spiritual strength, to conquer, to be aligned with a purpose beyond himself and society, and to experience life and all its pleasures. The Lover finds purpose outside his tribe – fighting and dominating nature and its trials.
Overall, Lovers are the men who know how to FUCK and dominate the world on a spiritual, emotional, primal level. Women seek these men out when they’re really horny and looking to indulge their own primal femininity and all its assorted emotions, not when they’re looking for a stable, comfortable position in society.
A pure Lover doesn’t make women feel secure around him, and many women won’t be receptive to him for that reason (contrary to what redpill guys may think). He’s good for hookups and casual dating, but he’s not the man most women want as a committed partner, unless…
Balancing the two archetypes
Different men embody varying degrees of the Lover and the Provider. It’s not either/or. Some men strongly embody both archetypes, other men barely embody either, and most men lean more one way or the other. They’re highly Provider and somewhat Lover, or vice versa.
Whichever one you feel is more “you”, hold strong to it, but work on cultivating the other one in yourself.
The dating game-changer for a man who leans more Provider – Cultivating his savagery. Training to push past his edge, not just to look good or feel healthy. Getting to know the dominant, polarizing parts of his masculine essence. Getting comfortable with gently asserting himself around men and women, and ruffling some feathers for the greater good. Learning to have mastery over nature, not just love for it.
The dating game-changer for a man who leans more Lover – Cultivating his gentlemanliness. Getting to know the more generous, pro-social parts of his masculine essence. Being more in-tune with other people’s needs without compromising his own. Giving back to his community. Finding a place where he can “fit in”. Building a stable lifestyle. Learning to have love for nature, not just mastery over it.
This’ll expand your understanding of what a man should be, as BOTH savagery and gentlemanliness are essential components of manhood, not just one or the other. Some men repress their savagery or gentlemanliness, assuming a real man only needs whichever one they’re more in touch with.
Also, the Lover and Provider can be expressed in weak, unhealthy ways.
An unhealthy Provider is the man who thinks his provision is ALL he’s good for. The first thing he talks about when you meet him is his job and his paycheque or the things he owns, and he seems to lack personality beyond that. He blows money on gifts for women, trying to earn their affection materially. His lifestyle is built on “checking the boxes” and looking a certain way, not on providing himself and others with the things their souls enjoy.
An unhealthy Lover is the man who thinks his ability to fuck is ALL he’s good for. The first thing he talks about when you meet him is some past sexual encounter or the women he’s attracted, and he seems to care for nothing else. He’s the pickup artist, the overcompensating player. He can get women, but he’s often only used by them, not truly adored. His lifestyle is built on earning women’s approval in smarter ways than the unhealthy Provider tries to. But despite understanding women’s primal motivations and maybe being able to game them into liking him, he’s blind to what’s really motivating him, and that sinks his relationships.
Now, buying gifts for women and providing for them isn’t always a bad, needy thing. Learning pickup and game isn’t always sleazy and dishonest – it’s valuable for men who want more power in their dating life.
What’s bad, weak, needy, sleazy, and dishonest… Is FAKING the Lover/Provider archetypes in yourself, rather than ACTUALLY EMBODYING THEM. This is where the needy nice guys and the sleazy PUAs go wrong, while the true gents and true savages don’t.
So don’t fake it, gents. Just make it.