Attraction isn’t a choice.
Assuming otherwise is one of the biggest, most flawed misconceptions you can have as a man looking to make it in the dating world.
No matter what you say or do, 95%+ of women out there just aren’t for you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to win them over for more than a momentary interaction.
Yet a lot of men who want to get better with women – they try to win over women who just aren’t for them. They spam-approach, try to convert cold or lukewarm leads into hot ones, and learn every pickup tactic they can find, in hopes of finding a woman in the crowd who’s receptive to said tactics.
I respect the hustle. Most men today are too scared to even approach ONE unfamiliar woman once in a while. But thinking of dating as a pure numbers game comes with one major flaw:
These guys forget to ask themselves – “what’s SHE doing to get ME? What do I enjoy about HER? What about HER (beyond her looks) makes me want to be with her?”
Right there is the beautiful truth about dating and attraction – it goes both ways. As much as we like to talk about what we can do to get women, a lot of us forget the other half of the dynamic – WHAT ARE WOMEN DOING TO GET YOU?
Women are imperfect, multi-dimensional people just like you, brother. They want to feel understood and accepted just as much as you do, yet not every woman goes about this the same way.
The truth about mutual attraction
I used to make a huge fucking mistake when approaching girls – Ignoring psychological triggers of attraction.
I’d approach like a man should, embody masculine energy, tease, qualify, hold frame, and all that jazz, but while I was good at creating sexual tension, I was missing an equally important variable: ACCOUNTING FOR WHO SHE IS AS A PERSON, not just establishing sexual polarity.
I’ll be humble and say I have a lot going for me – I’m physically strong and in great shape, I take care of myself and dress well, I’m ambitious and hard-working, I have great game. I’m socially competent, masculine, and spiritually integrated.
So why were these girls so unreceptive to me, if I was being a man with them in all the right ways? It used to baffle me.
Because they didn’t want a guy like me. Simple as that. I was trying to force things with girls who just weren’t for me.
Plenty of girls out there have self-esteem issues and stunted spiritual bodies. And these girls do not date highly confident and loving men, no matter how superficially pretty they are. Don’t be blinded by that beauty, gents. She may be young and fuckable, but her spiritual world is a drag.
Hot women with self-esteem issues date hot men with self-esteem issues. These men and women validate each other’s self-perceptions.
You won’t win these women over by treating them with care and respect, because this goes against their ego, which self-perceives in negative ways.
Your emotional worlds don’t align.
Unconsciously or not, these women PREFER toxic men who create an unhealthy, mutually objectifying power dynamic. If you’re a decent gent with a developed spiritual body, these women will feel like your unconditional love for them is unearnt, and they’ll reject it.
In the past, I WOULD date and hook up with spiritually unhealthy girls. Girls who knew how to turn a guy on, but had all sorts of unresolved psychological issues and demons. Whores who didn’t have much of a Madonna side to them. I’d vibe with them on a psychological level because at the time, I was on their level of spiritual development. Those girls had common ground with me beyond the superficial.
Now they don’t anymore, and it’s like we don’t even exist to each other. We aren’t pre-consenting to having each other. Because I don’t treat myself abusively anymore.
Have some awareness as you go about your dating life. Watch how the girls around you treat themselves, because they want to be with men who treat them in those same ways.
Only a woman who ALREADY treats herself with love, acceptance, and respect will be psychologically/spiritually attracted to a man who’s ready to treat her the same. She is pre-consenting to having this man. Even before meeting him, she’s choosing this man by virtue of her existence and how she treats herself.
Ask yourself – which women are PRE-CONSENTING to having you?
Which women, by virtue of their existence, are actively seeking a man like you? Set your sights on these women, and ignore those who are misaligned with the man you want to be. You’re not missing anything special by rejecting them, maybe a session or two of mediocre, unfulfilling sex at the very most.
If a girl treats herself (and consequently, other people) like shit and doesn’t want to change or grow, then why the hell do you want to be with her? If she objectifies herself and other people, then why the hell would you tolerate that in your life?
Because she’s pretty? Do you know how many pretty girls out there DO have a healthy sense of self, or are in the process of creating one?
If you’re an ambitious man who’s hell-bent on being the best possible version of himself… And pretty, feminine, kind, intelligent girls are your type…
– Ben
