How to tell if a girl likes you? You’re asking the wrong question

We guys take female attention as an ego boost, especially when it’s sexual. It’s validating. Makes you feel more like a man, like you’re sexually successful. But you already know this.

Those of us who are lonely or perhaps inexperienced often obsess over exactly HOW to tell if a girl likes you.

Of course, there’s physical arousal. The deer-in-headlights look. The sexual tension that gets her playing with her hair and nervously fidgeting. The receptiveness to your touch. How she gets animated and damn near dances.

But this only means her biology wants to fuck your biology. And just because she’s turned on doesn’t mean she’ll want to act on these feelings or pursue something beyond flirtation with you. Plenty of guys who have good game and are in touch with their masculinity (including me) have learnt this the hard way. Sexual attraction and energy are psychological, not just biological. You’ll get one night stands at best if you only account for the latter. Psychological attraction is the fuel for lasting flings and relationships.

Guys get their panties in a twist trying to figure out a girl’s psychological signs of attraction. But it’s not complicated.

Is she trying to make something happen with you?

Quit the overanalyzing. Quit the hoping and fantasizing. THIS is the only sign you should be looking out for. How INVESTED is she in making something between you two happen?

Is the conversation flowing easily and naturally? Or does either of you have the emotional affectation of a sloth with alcohol poisoning?

Is she engaging with you? Being responsive? Or being cold and distant, almost like a statue?

Obvious stuff, but your ego may get in the way of it and hope for something to be there between you two despite her coldness. Maybe she’s just shy? Just playing games? No she ain’t. Take her as she is, not as your fantasies would like her to be. Even if she’s physically attracted, she may just be broken or your values may be misaligned or whatever. Don’t take it personally, G. Even if she actually IS into you and super shy or insecure about it, wouldn’t you rather be with a girl who’s into you and unafraid to show it? Ditch the savior complex. Have some standards. Don’t tolerate a “maybe” from her.

Anyhoo, I could go down a damn rabbit hole can of worms with this stuff and elaborate on every damn sign of attraction and what it means and what its evolutionary root is along with the proper seduction tactic to deploy upon noticing it.

But instead of asking “what does she want?”, I recommend you gents ask yourselves a better question:

What do YOU want?

Isn’t that, deep down, why you want to get better at dating? You want to learn what women want for a reason – to find some who make you a happier, better man.

Select women based on what YOU like about them.

Selecting women based on which ones are most likely to give you cheap validation is a recipe for a disaster of a dating life. If so, you’re putting the ladies in a sexually depolarized role – chasing you. Quality women don’t chase. They’ll absolutely show you they’re interested and be receptive to you. But they won’t escalate or move things forward. That’s your job as the man. Men who expect women to choose them first – these men lack control over their sexual energy.

Feminine, confident, high-quality women want a non-needy man with a solid sense of self. He must choose her for reasons beyond her looks or her fantasy appeal. This man lives wholeheartedly aligned with his values.

So understand what you want, and go for it – whether the girls you’re attracted to are taller, shorter, older, younger, thick, thin, white, black, brown, asian, middle eastern, latina, athletic, artistic, punk rock, preppy, geeky, foreign, domestic… This is the only way you’ll ever feel truly fulfilled and in control of your dating life. Don’t ignore what women want or which ones are and aren’t receptive to you, but prioritize this right beneath YOUR wants and needs. Select women based on that, then let them either accept or reject you. In any case, you’ll learn something.

Don’t assume you need to get a certain type of girl to be successful, whether it’s the hot party girls or the Instagram girls or the shy bookish types or the gym babes. That’s your ego talking, not your heart, unless you’re really in their demographic, then of course, go for them. As long as she’s physically attractive to you, emotionally healthy, and you have common ground in terms of values and purpose, that’s what matters. Note her archetype, but be aware of who she truly is beneath it.

Focus on the girls who are your type, the ones who viscerally turn you on both physically and psychologically. As long as you’re both mentally healthy consenting adults who like each other, go for it!

Why leading with your wants works

Short version of the story, it makes the girls you want feel, you know, wanted. Appreciated. Chosen for good reason. Like they’ve earnt your approval. People don’t tend to value things that come from minimal investment.

Leading with YOUR wants makes it dramatically less likely for girls to flake or be wishy-washy with you. Usually when a girl acts that way with you, it’s not because anything’s wrong with you. She just didn’t feel like you WANTED HER enough, or for the right reasons. And if you’re self-aware, you know this too. The female sex drive runs on feeling wanted and desired, not on being used or lusted after.

How would you feel if a girl chose you just to have a man to show off to her friends and to use for sex? Could be a short-term ego boost, but are you really going to settle for being USED in a relationship? Successful relationships are built on mutual appreciation, not on validation-seeking.

So brother, define yourself as a man before you pursue women. Don’t be shy with the ones who fit you, and don’t pay too much attention to the ones who don’t. There’s no one true archetype of manhood you need to fit to get women. Often, the reason high-quality men are unsuccessful in dating isn’t because they don’t know the right tactics or female psychology insights – it’s because they’re selling themselves to the wrong market, one they won’t ever fit into no matter what they say or do. The ladies are just as diverse as we gents are, and I promise you, if you’re aware of your strengths and live by them, you’ll strongly attract women who like you for YOU.

Are you ready to uncover your true self beneath the bullshit that’s buried it more and more over the years? Are you ready to step into the full spectrum of your manhood and know exactly which beautiful, high-quality women fit YOU? If so…

See me.

Take care,

– Ben

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