I’d met a girl we’ll call Alisha a couple times – at a party, then a night out where she was in my group. I got her number the second time, then texted her, got no response.
She responded to a couple of my Instagram stories after that, and I took the opportunity to ask her out. She said yes.
Then the day of the date came…
Ben: Meet on Avenue Street at 6?
“Alisha”: omg i totally forgot we were supposed to meet today so sorrrryyy i can’t make it 🙁
Ben: that’s aight, reschedule?
“Alisha”: *no response*
That was one of my numerous mistakes with Alisha. I passively tolerated her flaking instead of setting a boundary about it. If this happened to me today, I’d do at least 3 things differently in that brief exchange alone.
I wish I could say that was the end of that, but after she flaked…
I made the worst possible move.
I kept “comfort gaming” Alisha over text. I hoped that establishing more of a one-on-one connection with her would get her more acquainted with me, thus more ready to invest.
Aaaaaand I became her texting buddy. We’d text about our lives and feelings about stuff, but she never made room in her schedule to see me.
(the “texting buddy” trap can be easily remedied with a healthy dose of boundary-setting and self-awareness)
I got her out once after that… In a group, party setting where she quickly ditched me. And the one time she suggested getting together to study, she mysteriously forgot all about that too.
Sorry past me, but this girl was stringing you along the whole damn time.
Could I have gotten Alisha out?
Maybe I could have. If I’d had a stronger frame, better boundaries, and created some tension alongside our comfort…
If I’d said “see you at 6!” instead of framing that as a question…
There’s a chance she’d have reconsidered.
But knowing what I know now, I have a better question to ask my past self.
Why would I have wanted to go out with Alisha?
Any chance of us having a strong sexual connection was dead on arrival.
Sure, maybe I could have built tension, held frame, and gotten a hookup with her in the end, when she’d have been in the mood to use an attractive guy for dick.
What kind of girl was I really dealing with though?
No matter what tactics I’d have used with her, it wouldn’t have changed the fundamental truth about us:
We actually didn’t have that strong of a personal, psychological connection. And this was apparent from the first couple times we met. (she didn’t text me back when I got her number that one time!)
It was a transactional dynamic. She wanted attention from a socially valuable guy with poor boundaries. I wanted sex from an attractive girl I could show off to my friends if we dated past that.
Alisha really wasn’t a good fit for me.
Why girls flake
I’ve had my fair share of flakes. I know it’s frustrating.
You set a date up with a girl, then she goes ghost or makes some bullshit excuse not to show…
You didn’t create a unique connection with her.
Every time I’ve had a flake, or seen another guy have one… The girl flaked because we were just another dude trying to game her to get something from her. Our transactional mindset with her increased our neediness and killed the desire.
We played it way too safely, trying to play the “generic attractive guy she should be attracted to” role, rather than creating tension and comfort through authentic self-expression and polarization.
We lost our power with her because we didn’t desire her for the right reasons.
Whether a girl’s mature or immature, needy or confident… She wants a guy to desire her for who she IS, not for the validation she can give him. The former is a natural flowing of sexual energy. The latter is an overly cerebral, transactional way of being.
You didn’t penetrate her mind deeply enough.
Guys who get many, many flakes play the game too safely. Their conversations tend to be routine, mundane, bordering on the platonic. They’re routine and canned, not authentic and personal. This can build comfort, but unless you learn to PUSH, unless you’re willing to polarize her and put a teensy bit of discomfort into your comfort… You’ll become her casual texting buddy, not the guy who penetrated her mind.
Why I never get flakes anymore
I got good at screening. I got good at being ruthlessly honest with myself about my intentions. Whatever reasons I desired a girl, for sex, for dating, for validation, for an emotional connection, I admitted them to myself and was okay with them.
Alisha inspired my one-strike rule for flakes. If a girl flakes even once, there’s no getting her out, and you should just quit texting her while focusing on your other options. It’s never failed me.
I learned to screen low-interest girls out from the start rather than tolerating them in hopes of MAYBE getting with them SOMEDAY.
Then a girl we’ll call Irene came along. We had amazing chemistry and rapport over text, and I was super excited to go out with her…
Then she flaked on me…
And I turned it around, and had a fun date with her 😉
The difference between these two flakes was all in the subcommunication.
Alisha would always keep me at a distance. She flaked because she didn’t desire me.
But even when Irene “flaked”, she was still emotionally engaged and expressive. That’s how I knew it was a shit test. More specifically, a COMFORT TEST. Could she trust me to hold frame and keep a level head when things wouldn’t go my way?
I passed that one like a boss.
Now, gauging a girl’s interest level is all about reading her SUBCOMMUNICATION. Plenty more I could say about that, but the big thing to look out for is how enthusiastic and emotionally open she is with you.
But the other, more important side of the coin is becoming self-aware about YOUR OWN SUBCOMMUNICATION. Understanding what you’re unconsciously communicating to women and the world that’ll easily, automatically get you what you want… or repel it from you. We’ll explore that in coaching.
If you want to have less Alishas and more Irenes in your life…
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