Dating mastery lessons from the shawarma shop

I was feeling peckish today, so through pouring rain, I trekked down to my favourite shawarma shop for obvious reasons.

Nothing special happened. I just went down there, got myself a wrap, and went back home to enjoy it.

So why am I writing this newsletter about such a mundane thing?

It’s the happiest I was all day.

I let go of all expectations for the moment, and embraced it. Didn’t think about the past, didn’t think about the future, didn’t wish the moment was any different.

I embraced it for what it was.

So what if it was raining? So what if I went down there alone and didn’t talk to anyone but the guy who made my wrap? So what if it didn’t pay me or get me laid? So what if I’d trekked down the same streets I’ve seen a million times? So what if nothing crazy happened?

This is life.

And life gets very, very good when you learn to LET GO of expectations, and embrace what is, not what could be, not what could have been.

What IS.

However mundane or boring it is.

Which, 95% of the time, is exactly what it is.

The grand moments, big achievements, incredible stories you may want defining your life are few and far apart.

Learn to appreciate the bulk of it, rather than constantly thinking of your “someday”. Are you not ALREADY living?

Expectations and dating

The height of your expectations in your dating life is inversely correlated with how happy it’ll make you.

Mundane as it was, this trip to the shawarma shop might be a catalyst to me being less hard on myself in the future.

And I’ve been quite hard on myself, notably in my dating life.

Going to parties wanting to get laid, then none of the girls being DTF me.

Going on a first date with a girl I was super excited to date… Then seeing (and futilely denying) the true lack of potential between me and her.

Going out to daygame, then not seeing any girls who really struck my fancy.

Wanting a cute high school relationship, then not getting it.

Wanting a cute university relationship, then not getting it.

Wanting to sleep with X amount of girls for ego reasons.

Wanting a specific girl, and not getting her.

My expectations were HIGH.

That’s a recipe for going home mad, dissatisfied, and frustrated!

Which I would. A lot.

5 years ago, a rejection from a girl or a lonely weekend would absolutely devastate me and make me feel like my social life was going nowhere.

Instead, be like me when I went to the shawarma shop today.

Let go.

Let your life be mundane and boring sometimes, and be okay with it.

Because it’s these moments you’ll look back on most fondly.

In my late teens and early young adulthood, I used to define my life by the sex I was(n’t) having. The popularity I didn’t have (but eventually got). My achievements, both the ones I did and didn’t have.

My happiness (if you could call it that) was dependent on external things. I wasn’t internally validated.

Again, this lack would devastate me. I wanted my young adulthood to be some grand adventure, some hero’s journey. I wanted my dating life to be some grand love story. I wanted my business career to be a grand venture that put me on top of the world.

They never were. And that’s okay.

The bulk of your dating life won’t be romcom meet-cutes and amazing hookups and consistently meeting women who blow you away… At least not at first.

It’ll be the lonely moments when you wish you had a girl around. The small crushes that go nowhere. The shots you shoot that end in rejection. The nights out where you DON’T meet any girls you like.

But what made me HAPPY through it all? Even if I didn’t appreciate it in the moment because I was so focused on what I didn’t have yet?

The workouts at the campus gym and the meals I’d have in the dining hall are my fondest memories from university, not the parties or the girls I’d meet. My fondest memories with friends are the one where we’d have chill nights in, not the wild nights out.

Enough nostalgia. Let’s get back to the point.

The small moments of your dating life are what’ll make it great.

When you’re just chilling and you suddenly realize you’re completely over that girl you never thought would leave your mind.

The first time you put up a boundary with a girl who’s playing games with you, rather than passively tolerating her bullshit.

When you lose yourself in the moment being playful with a girl.

When you randomly make eye contact with a girl in public while you’re on your way somewhere, and fearlessly hold it.

When you make conversation with a strange girl just for the hell of it, not looking for a specific outcome.

When you go to a shawarma shop with no expectations besides getting a wrap and making it back home… And having that inspire a newsletter about appreciating life.

Ironically, the times you get a pretty girl in bed, or finally have a first date that leads to a second won’t be so memorable compared to those.

So brother, let go.

Have standards, but fuck your expectations.

Appreciate where you’re at, no matter how ideal it isn’t. Take the steps you can take, and don’t worry about what’s currently out of your grasp.

Because once you have this mindset dialed in…

And a girl who’s right for you comes your way…

Appreciating her and showing it will be effortless. You’ll know exactly what to do with her. You won’t be afraid of boring her or being rejected by her. This energy will intoxicate her, and more importantly…

It’ll intoxicate you and get you loving yourself so much more, no matter your external circumstances.

So if you’re lost in your dating life and haven’t quite let go of what isn’t working for you yet…

If your dating life is frustrating and hopeless, or even just dissatisfying…

See me.

We’ll make it work for you.

Enjoy life,

– Ben

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