Boys, I’ve been him.
Mr. Nice Guy – the guy who’s just a little too accommodating of other people’s needs…
At the expense of his own.
He’s the guy who can only be friends with a girl, nothing more, as she tells him all about the guys she’s seeing (and reading the Bible with, alone together in her bedroom), while secretly wishing to someday be the guy a pretty girl picks.
And if/when he ends up in a (always passionless, usually transactional) relationship, he becomes anxiously attached to the girl, still terrified of rocking the boat with her.
If that’s you, I’m here to explain what’s REALLY going on inside you.
The levels of being a Nice Guy
Some Nice Guys are malignant – they’re the types you find mainstream dating articles complaining about. The guys who take rejection super personally and lash out at women when their niceness doesn’t reward them with sex. Let’s not deny their existence, but this variant of Nice Guy only makes up a small percentage of them.
Most commonly, the Nice Guy is a morally sound dude with no ill will towards women, who respects women’s right to reject him, and often is masterly at creating comfort with the girls around him (desire is a completely different story). But is TERRIFIED of female disapproval, or disapproval in general. This is the Nice Guy I used to be.
Both these types of Nice Guy feel powerless with women, and both types objectifiy/idealize women. The difference is – the former type sublimates his frustrations externally, trying to reclaim his power through attacking the women he feels are denying him what he’s entitled to. The latter keeps his frustrations in and tries to reclaim his power through acting cool and unmoved (which, when I tried this for too long, led to a suicide attempt, so embrace your emotions, gents).
That’s how it was with the first few girls I dated – I’d ask them out, they’d be into it, then I’d get anxiously attached to them, then quickly dumped. Cue me falling into a downward spiral of anxiety, self-loathing, and drowning myself in booze.
I’d also really want to bang my female friends, but they weren’t biting…
I’d tell myself to be cool about it, that there were 3.5 billion women in the world, that I shouldn’t be freaking out over a girl like this, but this didn’t do anything to fix my unconscious mindset:
I’m incomplete without a girl.
So past me, I want to ask you:
Well, there were many reasons why.
But there’s one major eyesore of a mindset issue every variant of Nice Guy has in common:
You’re letting women define your masculinity.
The Nice Guy isn’t his own point of origin, as the rational males among us would put it. He has no individual sense of self, no sense of a mission or a higher purpose besides getting a girl. This makes him a pawn in women’s worlds, not a king.
As long as he’s a slave to women’s approval, he can’t be masculine. He can’t inspire genuine desire from a woman, not while he’s unconsciously being led on a leash by her.
My advice for a guy like this is:
Define your masculinity by what you (and the men you wish to be like) personally value, then select women who align with it.
The thought exercise I do with guys who are overly attached to their idealizations of women (or a woman) is along the lines of “what would you do with yourself if all women temporarily disappeared from Earth?”
If it’s not what you’re already doing, then brother, you’re not acting like a man. You got some work to do on yourself and your mindset.
There’s no better place to do that work than in coaching. We’ll deconstruct your mindsets and individual psychology, and get you aware of what the women you want REALLY want.
More importantly, we’ll get YOU aware of what you REALLY want.
When you’re ready to be a man with a backbone who’s kind to women out of strength… (and inspires respect and desire from them!)
It’s easy to have a backbone when you know what’s really worth standing for 🙂
For more content about sexual energy and what REALLY attracts women, sign up to my free newsletter!
Plenty more where this came from! I add old newsletters to the site a few months after they reach your inbox.
Subscribe to my newsletter to get them fresh, and to transform your dating life sooner!