Pay attention to the tension!

I see this so so much with guys:

They’re great at making a girl feel comfortable with them. They know how to vibe, how to make her laugh, exactly what questions will get her to open up, and the right level of depth for every stage of the interaction.

Their conversations over text, on the dating apps before meeting in person, and on dates are filled with amazing rapport.

It’s great to see them meeting women they really connect with, but there’s one glaring issue with guys like this:

Despite building a ton of comfort, they’ve not optimized the “desire” part of the equation. Their looks and status may build passive desire, but it doesn’t evolve when a guy like this relies on his looks and status alone to build that desire.

I saw this recently with a buddy of mine – good-looking, masculine guy with a well-paying job – he met a girl on Bumble who he had great rapport with. I even told him something along the lines of “you’re building a lot of comfort here! nice!” when he showed me their texts. They went on a bunch of dates, texted frequently between said dates, and were overall super enthusiastic about getting to know each other.

Sounds ideal, right?


The girl would text back less and less frequently as the weeks went by, start flaking on plans… I don’t even remember if they had sex. Their dynamic never evolved, and rather than growing, it decayed. It fizzled out.

My buddy there – he never actively built much DESIRE! I imagine if he did, he’d have kept the girl around much longer, and had great sex with her.

If that’s ever been you, here’s what you’re missing!

Today, we’re getting into one of my absolute favourite fundamental attraction concepts:



Building and holding tension is CRUCIAL for sexually arousing a girl and controlling the frame with her (though make sure to be dominant with her, not domineering!)

What the frick is tension?

Tension is focused, controlled energy.

All energy is sexual energy.

The more energy you’re capable of holding, controlling, harnessing, the better you’ll do with women. The more of a sexual being you’ll be to them. Especially attractive, beautiful women, who are built to handle more energy than all the rest.

Men who can’t handle tension, who release energy or let it hold them back as soon as they feel it… Simply WON’T be on attractive, beautiful women’s sexual radar for long!

So if you’re a guy who’s big on comfort but not so big on tension, here’s how you pull it off:

Slow yourself down. Learn to FOCUS. Attention is focused energy. Tension is heavily focused energy.

A ton of men, especially the normies and game-oriented ones, assume building attraction is all about saying the right things and being able to hold a conversation, then once the girl’s comfortable enough with you, she’ll put out. This is true, but not the entire picture.

To arouse a girl, you must be present and self-controlled.

Slow yourself down. Don’t assume every minute word, every minute behavior from her warrants a reaction from you. Respond only to what’s worth responding to.

Don’t assume you need to constantly be saying something, constantly keeping the conversation going, or else the girl will lose interest and think you’re boring.

Instead, be comfortable with pauses and silences. Speak only when you want to, especially when you’re actively building desire. A quick, simple way to build sexual tension is…

Don’t say anything. Just look at her and think about how pretty she is. Breathe deeply as you feel your desire for her. Circulate it through your entire body with your breath. Be present. Focus your attention, your tension onto her, and hold it.

This works especially well when you look her deep in the eyes.

The key here is mastering FOCUS. If your energy and attention are all over the place and you can’t control them or (un)consciously direct them, then you simply won’t do well with sexual escalation.

Now, this doesn’t mean sacrificing any comfort.

Comfort and tension work best TOGETHER. If you can vibe with a girl, talk about interesting things… then push her and tease her… then go back to chilling and vibing… then back to playing and pushing and being present in the silences… You’ll have absolutely no issue attracting her… Assuming she wants to be with you, that is.

Not all tension is good tension. If she’s feeling tension because she’s uncomfortable and/or disinterested, she won’t say much. She’ll be cold and unmoved like a statue. Her eyes will be off you. She won’t be giving you anything to work with in the conversation. There’s nothing you can do but respect her disinterest and politely let her go.

If she’s feeling GOOD tension, SEXUAL tension… Her eyes will be on you. She’ll be warm and animated. She may be uncomfortable, but this is the same discomfort you feel when you’re around an attractive woman who intimidates you. She may cut the interaction, even though she’s giving you plenty to work with, but if you re-engage with her, she’ll be just as warm. The optimal thing to do here is switch to actively building comfort and rapport. You put in your legwork with the tension, now it’s time to balance it out.

Oftentimes, especially if you’re a physically attractive guy, just building a bit of tension goes a long way. Overdoing it won’t give you any returns. But the obvious, general heuristic for here is – The more comfort you passively build, the more tension you need to actively build. And vice versa – if you’re a dominant, attractive guy, you’ll want to focus on actively building comfort.

In the next email (I’m sending it out right after this one), I’ll tell you a story from my life where I was masterly at building this tension and comfort. It was originally going to be part of this email, but the lessons in it are good enough to merit their own piece.

So gents, if you have a tough time building tension and/or comfort, and you know that’ll be the game-changer for your results with women…

You won’t be uncomfortable with it forever.

See me!

Be right back,

– Ben

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