The Player Identity

Like most guys in the dating advice industry, I had a hard time getting girls early in life.

I grew up skinny, geeky, and sexually and socially anxious. The furthest I went with a girl as a teenager was platonic cuddling, and I didn’t have my first kiss with a girl until my first week of university, nor my first actual date until a month later.

Then a semester into my college days, I fell into my first real, strong social circle.

I was eager to impress my friends, after years of a disappointing adolescent social life with almost 0 action from the ladies.

I got good with game as the months went by, and got great at playing myself as a cool, fun, socially valuable guy.

For once in my life, I could finally get girls.

And I made sure people knew it. “Subtly” dropping hints about all the hookups I’d supposedly been having (and exaggerating the details of the ones that did happen), eagerly and explicitly talking about sex, and doing whatever I could to paint myself as a guy who gets a ton of girls wanting to read the Bible alone in his bedroom with him.

(Protip for your reputation: Don’t kiss and tell about your sex life. It makes you look LAME. No one thinks you’re a Casanova for it)

The reality wasn’t so ideal.

Truth is, I’d had a few decent lays that went to my head that summer and fall, along with some dates where I finally had some sense of power with the girl instead of anxiety.

Then nothing. I had a months-long dry spell I’d refuse to own up to.

Because owning up to that would supposedly invalidate my identity as a sexually attractive guy.

“Hey everyone, I’m a guy who gets girls! Did you know?”

For that same reason, I’d self-sabotage with all the girls I could have had something good with at the time. Can’t get rejected by them if I act way too cool for them first, right?

Sad way to live, past me.

My confidence was fragile. Despite being a socially valuable guy who’d get invited to stuff all the time for once, I was actually heavily dissociated during those days and did a lot of alcohol and drugs to avoid facing my reality.

And this “cool, fun, normal guy” persona evolved into me playing myself as a self-unaware narcissistic douche in the end, which was kryptonite to emotionally healthy girls.

I didn’t let go of my need for sexual validation until I started going real hard with the inner work.

Avoiding the trap of fragile confidence

Here’s what was really going on – I was chasing girls for the validation. I needed social and sexual approval to feel good about myself.

So I had a genius idea:

It was much easier to get that sexual validation by making people THINK I’d get laid a lot than, you know, actually go for the girls I wanted most, and risk rejection and personal growth from it.

Guys who talk a big, explicit game about their sexual prowess are rarely the ones who have true power, confidence, and love in their dating lives. The ones who actually have rewarding sex lives aren’t the ones blabbing about it.

Girls are the same way. When a girl grows up insecure about feeling uniquely unattractive (not just typical female insecurity over imperfections), she often overcompensates the same way in adulthood – slutting around or just being a chronic flirt or attention-seeker, whether or not she’s glown up.

And as plenty of those ladies and gents learn the hard way…

Finally getting laid doesn’t fundamentally remove your neediness around sex. Finally getting women in your frame doesn’t fundamentally remove your neediness around them.

There’s plenty of men out there who get laid regularly, who are great with game, who even have a woman committed to them, but are still operating in a transactional frame about sex, and wouldn’t feel a full sense of self-worth without it.

This can only be accomplished with inner work – removing your sex life from your identity, and prioritizing better things above it.

Taking action IS a necessary part of developing this self-confidence and transcending your neediness around sex. A lot of guys choose to become competent at getting laid before transcending their desire for it, so they can see firsthand how draining and meaningless and out of your control sex and the pursuit of it are much of the time.

For an emotionally healthy dating life where you aren’t constantly bending yourself to MAYBE get laid, and are actually fulfilled by the woman or women you’re with…

You need to start selecting women based on what YOU PERSONALLY value and appreciate in them, based on what you personally value and appreciate in yourself, and ruthlessly screen out those who don’t align with the man you truly want to be.

Only when you start dating with honesty about your true values will you have true power and self-respect around women.

You’ll never lose your innate sex and your need for it, but you can always change WHY you seek it.

Validation or vulnerability?

Masturbation or meaning?

Fantasy or fun?

Domination or depth?

The reasons why you pursue women and sex will determine which women you end up with. Obviously, this’ll be women who are (un)consciously drawn to you for the same reasons.

Your results don’t lie. If you claim you want a woman from Germany, but you only ever click with women from Spain, you should ask yourself what about your conscious desires is misaligned with your unconscious ones.

There’s no better place to uncover the roots of why you’re failing with women than in coaching.

So when you’re ready to be fully honest with yourself and embrace a growth mindset that’ll get you the best possible women for you…

See me!

Peace out,

– Ben

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