Whether you live to cold approach or not, you can’t deny it’s a valuable skill for meeting women outside your social circle, outside the bar scene, and outside of dating apps.
It’s fun and simple – you live your life, see a pretty girl who strikes your fancy, then you say hi to her and see what happens.
But there’s a learning curve to cold approach, especially for guys who don’t have much experience getting women.
Now if you know me, you know I like to distill big, nuanced concepts down to their very fundamentals, so let’s make this email a blunt one:
When you approach a girl, invest in truth, not so much in the outcome.
I’ll admit I’ve been guilty of the opposite. I’ve approached some girls because I was ego-invested in getting an objectively hot girl, or because I felt I HAD TO approach to refine my skills because a decently attractive girl was there.
All these approaches resulted in the girl closing up, looking away, and waiting for me to fuck off.
My approaches that have gone the best, where the girl’s had her eyes glued to me, been talkative, turned on, and open to giving me her number in the end…
Were the ones where I acknowledged what I genuinely appreciated about her and was honest about it. (and it wasn’t just the fact that she was a pretty girl)
The more viscerally attractive I found her, the more sexual tension I felt coursing through me just looking at her, the more engaged she’d be with me.
Some guys would think otherwise – No, you have to go for the women “in your league” (bullshit idea), and the less attractive a girl is, the more receptive she’ll be to you, while the more attractive she is, the more of a cold, too-good-for-you bitch she’ll be.
WRONG. This may seem counterintuitive, but you’ll actually do best with the women you find most attractive. And in my experience, the girls I find less attractive are the coldest with me.
Women LOVE to be desired. Desire is the fuel that female sexuality runs on. But this has to be GENUINE DESIRE for HER. If you’re just lusting, looking to get off, looking to use her, looking for ego gratification from her, she’ll be turned off.
Healthy women acutely sense when a man is genuinely into them vs when he’s just looking for validation from them. It’s amazing how perceptive women are of the tiniest things about men that reveal their true selves.
Here’s the thing about that – you can’t just go up to any random decently pretty girl, give her a canned compliment, and expect her to melt all over you. Women are obviously people, and people like to be appreciated for who they are, not objectified by some horny dude they’ve only just met.
The more genuine and authentic you are, the more truth you speak to a girl, the more receptive she’ll be to you. The more you hide yourself away behind formulas and canned routines, the less receptive she’ll be.
If you really want to fuck up your pickups, approach a girl with the intent of getting something from her. Be a salesman. Push, push, push, even if the vibe between you two isn’t there. Get the number at all costs. If the girl isn’t receptive to you, try a new technique. Maybe you just said the wrong thing, and now you need to find the magic tactic that’ll start the vibe right up.
The guy who lived every cold approacher’s greatest fear
I’m reminded of one of my favourite cautionary tales – the legendary Pickup Guy. For those who haven’t heard the story of him, here’s the Sparknotes version:
Back in my university days, I’d always see this one obvious former-social-loser-now-addicted-to-self-improvement guy chatting up girls at the campus gym, and I nicknamed him Pickup Guy in my head. Somehow, I’d always end up at the gym at the same time he’d be there. Every girl would shoot him down, and the poor guy got a reputation as “that creepy dude who makes girls uncomfortable” after mass-approaching literally HUNDREDS of girls on campus.
What we’re talking about in this email is exactly how Pickup Guy fucked up and got his name dragged through the mud.
Pickup Guy, as much as I respect his willingness to take action and change his social/sexual circumstances for the better, DIDN’T ACTUALLY APPRECIATE OR WANT TO CONNECT WITH THE GIRLS HE WAS CHATTING UP. He made them feel used, not desired. Take a wild fucking guess as to why.
I’m retelling the story of Pickup Guy because of all the anti-sexuality propaganda that’s poisoned people’s minds over the last decade. I know a ton of guys fear being some girl’s “that creepy dude who chatted me up” story, and let that fear hold them back. And in Pickup Guy’s case, that fear came true over and over again.
That’s why you approach based on truth, not lack. To learn about the girl, not to win her over.
Sometimes, that truth is that the vibe between you two just isn’t there, and all you can do is respect that and politely let her go.
If Pickup Guy approached girls with that in mind, some girls would have still found him creepy (dissociated, manipulative, selfish girls who’ve bought into anti-male and anti-female programming!), but the vast majority would have been flattered to have him chat her up, feel the vibe, and either escalate or disengage based on it.
So gents, next time you want to chat a lady up, be mindful of what you’re REALLY feeling for her, and act based on that. Only approach the girls you feel something good for. And when the vibe just ain’t there, it’s alright to cut the interaction and wish her well. 99% of girls who aren’t into you won’t think you’re creepy as long as you respect her boundaries and are aware of the energy between you and her.
It’s 110% normal to have sexual feelings for girls and to want that sex, but you have to have a healthy mindset about it. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience the girl enthusiastically shares with you. Otherwise, don’t bother with her. If you treat sex as something you have to take from her, win from her, or earn from her, you have some unconscious reprogramming that needs doing (my specialty in coaching!)
Your approach isn’t a quest to win her over. It’s a simple human-to-human, man-to-woman interaction with the intent of uncovering the truth of what you’re supposed to be to each other.
Keep an eye out for the girls who speak most strongly to you.
Why would you settle for anything less than a girl you genuinely desire, who you’re super proud to be with? And who returns those feelings?
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