When your mentors hold you back

March-December 2020 were a slow-burning psychological breakdown for me. I didn’t even realize it was happening until my mental health BS got to me and I straight-up destroyed a bunch of my connections with people.

I won’t get into the events here, but I’ll tell you the root cause of why it happened:

My identity was heavily based on who I wanted to be in the future, not on who I actually am.

I’m in great shape, ambitious, hard-working, and an overall fun time. This hardassery of mine is a double-edged sword – it fuels me to have high standards for everything in life, and to consistently take steps forward on everything that matters to me, but I also have the tendency to put the burden of perfection on myself, and be overly critical of myself and other people.

So when I discovered Andrew Tate and his teachings resonated with this side of me, I dove head-on into aspiring to be like him someday – rich, savage, top 1% physically, dating a harem of women…

It’s the opposite of a bad thing to follow the example of a man you respect, but there was one flaw in me looking up to him:

I’d feel insecure about mySELF when I didn’t measure up to that example.

So consciously or not, I’d bend myself to meet the approval of men who I’d never even met in person, to someday become a part of this guy’s scene. I kept bending and bending myself…

Until I broke and didn’t even know who I was anymore. I took some time off my ambitions in early 2021 and did some serious inner work – re-integrating all the great parts of myself I’d lost every time I’d tried to live someone else’s life instead of my own.

I’ve often expected my life to begin in the future – rather than embracing the unique individual I’ve always been and always will be.

I’ve tried being the cool dude who gets girls at the bars. I’ve tried being the party boy who’s the shining light of his social scene. I’ve tried being the cool random dude on a dating app who the girl’s super into meeting. I’ve tried being the daygamer who seduces pretty girls on the street…

These roles have all gotten me girls, but these girls didn’t stick around and I wasn’t any happier for it, because I was denying myself my SELF.

I didn’t actually enjoy being that guy, nor did I actually enjoy those girls. I may have lusted after them, but I wasn’t truly aligned with them.

The levels of leadership

Mentorship is non-negotiable for becoming the best man you can be.

Everything I know about my own masculinity, I learned from the example of more experienced men than I – friends, teachers, coaches…

Now, there’s more than one way to lead.

A bad leader punishes those around him when they don’t treat his word as gospel.

A good leader sets standards for them, and encourages them to measure up.

A great leader encourages those around him to be their fullest selves, and removes from them the burden of perfection.

The first two leaders there can inspire devotion from people – temporarily. But the third is the only one who can keep that devotion in the long-term – because he inspires his followers to be leaders in their own way, instead of expecting them to forever be in his shadow.

So if you’re trying to be a dollar store version of your favourite fitness, finance, or fucking guru… 

You will repress your individuality, and start unconsciously resenting yourself for not being exactly like him.

I know a lot of us guys are starved for masculine leadership. We know way too many men who have the decisiveness of a jellyfish, and it’s refreshing to meet a man who knows what he values and goes for it, even if he’s an asshole about it.

BUT.

A man doesn’t become a good leader through criticism, including of himself. Your criticism may be objectively correct, but constantly telling someone “you’d be so much better if only…” doesn’t make them think “golly gee, this guy sure is onto something!”

Unless you’re mentoring them with a skill…

It makes them feel like you’re denying their agency over their own life. It makes them feel like they’re not inherently good enough for you.

Everything you can possibly tell them is something they’ve likely already told themselves. It doesn’t actually help.

This matters not only when you lead a girl (which we’ll get into in the next email, I’m sending it out right after this one) – it matters strongly when you lead YOURSELF.

You need great men to look up to, otherwise you’ll never know what’s possible for you.

At the same time, leading yourself means embracing yourself as a unique individual, and as we talked about recently – understanding that your imperfections IMPROVE your value as a person.

You need to take what works about your idols and mentors and integrate it ALONGSIDE what makes you unique and awesome. Or you may end up having a slow-burning psychological breakdown like I did last year, as you give up your own life to live someone else’s, and leave life’s true pleasures out of your reach.

This is how a man becomes a good leader – by encouraging his followers to be better versions of themselves. Not through tolerating weakness or letting them get away with bad behavior. But by giving them a meaningful role to play. One that doesn’t mean being exactly like him, but absolutely means harnessing his follower’s true strengths.

So if your ego feels like you need to get the hot bar-going girls, the virgin good girls, the fitchicks at the gym, the shy studious girls, or whatever specific type of girl to be successful with women…

Own yourself.

If you don’t truly desire these girls, don’t go for them.

Set your sights on the ones you ACTUALLY enjoy most, and who you can be most yourself around.

Whatever kind of man you are, and whatever kind of woman you truly desire…

See me in coaching!

We’ll apply this radical self-honesty and constructive criticism to your personal situation.

Be right back,

– Ben


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