Time to talk about one of my favourite dating concepts:
I’m sure you’ve had a woman throw you off balance with one of these before.
But that’s the whole point – to throw you off balance.
And once you realize WHY she’s doing it, you’ll start to find these fun instead of frustrating.
A woman who doesn’t test you is a woman who doesn’t desire you.
She’s trying to see how REAL and CONGRUENT you are. It’s easy for a guy to game her and play with her when she’s being receptive to him…
But what about when things DON’T go his way?
Thus, when a woman desires you and wants to know your masculinity isn’t fragile… She’ll act out and try throwing you off balance. Not because she wants to see you fail. Quite the opposite. She wants you to be a MAN with her.
There are tactics that’ll help you pass these and look unfazed – ex. agree and amplify, disagree and amplify, pressure flip, etc…. And I could teach you about them.
But the root of passing a shit test is ACTUALLY BEING UNFAZED. Maintaining your integrity and frame and self-possession against it. This is what she wants to feel from you, though she’ll never say it.
Let’s role play a little
Let’s say you’ve met a girl, gotten her number, you’ve texted a bit, set a date up, and now it’s the day of.
You: I’ll see you at 5!
Her: Hey I really wish I could make it, but my friend’s locked out of her place and she needs me to come bring her a spare key. She has an important exam today and needs to get her stuff for it. Super sorry to cancel so last minute!
What’ll you do? You had a date set up with this girl, and now she’s flaking last-minute with an excuse that may or may not be legit.
This is one variant of a shit test. Some girls will “stand you up” before a date just to see: Will you maintain your integrity and self-possession? Women aren’t attracted to men they can throw off balance.
You: Omg sorry to hear! Hope your friend does well on her exam. You wanna reschedule?
Her: *radio silence*
Here, you fell into her frame and lost yours. This display of empathy came off as supplicant and weak, not genuine and strong. Really, do you ACTUALLY care about this girl’s friend and whatever the fuck her exam is?
You: You’re gonna have to make time for me, or else this isn’t happening. So go help your friend out, then either come see me or have a date with her instead 🙂
Her: Right right, shouldn’t take me too long, guess I can do 5:30 with you! Where did you want to go?
Note the difference in subcommuncation between these two possible responses.
The first reeked of neediness and a lack of emotional self-control, obviously making your energy smell like shit to her. The second radiated decisiveness and self-direction, and will lead to a good date.
The second response wins for a few reasons:
1. You desire her but are also willing to let her go. This paints you as a man with standards who doesn’t invest in girls who disrespect him. You don’t feel the need to force her to go out with you in any covert ways.
2. It balances directness and “putting her in her place” with positive energy. You’re putting up a boundary with her – you won’t tolerate her BS, but you’re also being light and playful about it rather than heavy and predictable.
3. It shows you to be dominant, a leader, but not domineering or pissy when you don’t get your way. You’re telling her what’s right and what’s true, and giving her a plan of action, but you’re also letting her make her own decisions for herself.
This is you being a man. You’re not being faux-empathetic. You’re not trying to covertly game her into liking you. She smells the truth about you, even over text. What a shit-testing woman really wants is to feel your integrity and self-control as a man. Only when she feels that masculinity from you, can she relax into her femininity and be receptive and vibrant and submissive just for you 😉
Whenever she wants to feel your strength, she’ll test you and push against you. Love this, don’t run from it or obsessively analyze it.
Anyhoo, there’s many more examples of shit tests I could go through, but this suffices for now.
Be grateful when a woman tests you – this is half the fun of courting her, half the fun of being with her.
Why would you want a woman who doesn’t want you to be your strongest, most present, most masculine self?
Why would you want a woman who’s willing to settle for a weak, needy, unaware man?
You can ask me those questions, and many more in coaching.
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