I spat game at this one girl today, though I could tell there was nothing deeper there between us. The same old routine – opener, assumptions, vibing and showing a bit of vulnerability, making sure she’s not underage, getting a basic picture of who she is, all that jazz.
And the number-close.
Except this time, I didn’t do it because I was super super into seeing her again. I did it because I was ego-invested. I haven’t texted her, but a huge part of me wants to do it just to see if she’ll respond.
It was for science.
“I’ll do it for science,” I told myself as I did the same old number-closing routine. New contact menu open, then politely saying goodbye after she puts the number in.
Which, my conscious mind is thinking – that’s an absolutely shitty reason to get a girl’s phone number? Is she just an experiment to you? An ego boost? You weren’t super fucking set on her, just lukewarm, just a “maybe”. Why isn’t it a “fuck yes” or a “no”?
I just want to see if she’ll respond, is all. I have my reasons.
I’m gonna get vulnerable in this one, boys.
I’m a work in progress.
Even with all the progress I’ve made in working on myself over the last better-part-of-a-decade, I have quite a way to go. And I would rather be vulnerable about that than pretend I’m perfect.
I have no fucking clue which girls I’m psychologically compatible with. That’s why I’m so into cold approaching these days.
I want to trial-and-error it with girls, determine which demographics are most receptive to me.
See, sexual attraction is both biological/natural and psychological/spiritual. And while I have the biological aspects of it figured out for myself, I have a strong sense of my own masculinity and who I am as a man…
I don’t have such a strong sense of who I am as a unique individual. I see myself as a collection of stories and images, not as a holistic person.
And this makes me feel like a fraud of a dating coach.
At least, until I look back on the guys I’ve helped go from clueless to WINNING in the dating world. Until I look at how much my content resonates with my audience. Until I remind myself that compared to the clueless, sexually hopeless guy I used to be, I have a major fighting chance in the dating world now and I intimately know how it all works!
I can see other guys objectively, know exactly how they work as individuals, and what types of ladies are most compatible with them. This makes me KILLER at observations and rewiring guys’ brains and spirits to help them succeed with women.
But I don’t see myself objectively. So what can I do for myself?
Physician, heal thyself.
And I hope to heal myself through meeting girls. Through seeing which ones do and don’t vibe most with me, I’ll see what about me is true through the girls who I resonate most with. Women are mirrors, after all.
Let’s treat myself like a client!
My dating history? I already know that!
The machinations of women and men? Mastered that!
Sexual energy? Really competent with that!
So what’s my problem?
I have a tough time being psychologically/emotionally intimate with a girl. My biological attraction triggers may be on point, but I’m flopping HARD when it comes to psychological, individual attraction.
Why?
I went my own way in life. My old life burnt down when I was 20 – I fucked up my body, my brain, my then-career path, and my relationships. Basically everything that used to easily connect me to other people got blown to bits and left me a shell of who I’d used to be.
So I picked myself up and moved forward however I could. My body, brain, and sense of ambition are the best they’ve ever been now.
My capacity for real relationships however…
I no longer have the “school then degree then well-paying job” route keeping me comfortable and giving me something to relate to my peers over, and it gets lonely. Very very lonely, as I grind on my ambitions, grow myself as a man and as a person, and take life on day by day.
What do I relate to her over? If not sex and booze?
I’m hoping to get girls through who I used to be, not through who I am today. I’m stuck in the past, because that’s when I had an easy time getting to know new people. I try to relate to girls through the socially valuable party boy I used to be, but I’m a different man now.
And I have no idea how this man is supposed to make connections, considering he was forged in isolation, outside the conventional path of young people in society.
Part of me is in arrested development. The part of me who’s supposed to feel like he belongs.
I’m independent. Too independent.
I’m afraid these years of going my own way have made it impossible for me to relate to the girls I’m attracted to, even if I know how to do it on a biological level.
So what’s there to do besides taking action?
I’m not going to create myself by sitting around and thinking, ruminating about all the different paths I could have taken.
Taking action in the world is showing me who I truly am. I get down on myself sometimes, but I trust myself. I trust fate. I trust that every failure or false step I take brings me closer to the wins I deserve. That trust is something I didn’t have even when my social/dating lives were at their most eventful.
That’s why I number-closed that girl, even if I wasn’t entirely feeling it. Maybe I’ll text her. Maybe she’ll respond. Maybe she’ll teach me something new about who I am, even if nothing happens.
No matter the outcome, I will learn something valuable from this experience that’ll propel me forward in life.
Science, biatch!
Cold approach is one way I’m self-discovering. And it’s fucking fun.
How many guys can say they have the balls to stop random girls in public and flirt?
How many guys who felt absolutely hopeless in the dating world decide to take action and become worthy of amazing women instead of settling for scraps?
Truth is, I WANTED my life to burn down all those years ago. However painful it was to lose all my friends, my mental health, my bodily integrity, and my place in the world… I decided becoming someone new was more important than holding on to who I used to be, and consented to the experiences that would make me him in the long run.
Because while Ben Foth the socially valuable, connected party boy with the conventional career path may have had plans more than every weekend, been living the experiences he’d only dream about back in high school… He was still dissociated, self-loathing, and had no sense of control over his own life.
And I felt completely out of control with the girls I’d meet through this lifestyle. None of them resonated super strongly with me. I knew they would never make me happy, no matter how many of them I could hook up with.
I burnt my life down because I was sick of life happening to me. I wanted to be a man who makes his own life happen!
And that sent me on a path with new difficulties – including what I’m dealing with right now: Figuring out how my subjective psychological attraction to girls needs to happen.
This is a problem, but it’s a better problem to have than my past ones. Because the outcome is in my control.
Now, am I a fraud of a dating coach?
Absolutely not. I’m a fucking great one.
Because here’s the thing about your dating life, and your life in general:
You will ALWAYS have problems. No matter what level of life you’re at.
When you solve one problem, another one will take its place. If you’re living life right, it’ll be a better problem than the last one.
I remember the first few girls I dated – my problem with them was that I’d get anxiously attached, fantasize obsessively, then have severe anxiety over rejection.
Then I dated a great girl even by my current standards, and I had none of those problems with her, but whatever we had ran out of steam slowly rather than instantly. Better problem to have than the last one, right?
A dating life full of problems was better than having 0 experience in the dating world. If I never had said issues, I could never help guys dealing with similar things. And I wouldn’t have had something to grow from in that domain. I would be stagnant.
I remember when I had no idea how to make myself a sexual option for a girl – Then my problem ended up being that I could attract girls for sex, but none of them wanted a relationship past that.
You get it?
You may have problems right now, but compare them to the problems of your past. If you’re living life right, you have higher-quality problems today than you did yesterday!
That’s why I’m not shy about admitting my faults as a man and as a person.
Because these faults are a result of me solving prior problems of mine, and once these problems are solved, I’ll have new ones come my way.
When I break through my barriers around emotional/psychological intimacy with women, I’ll have a romantic relationship with one, and that relationship will have its problems.
The difference between me (plus hopefully you, dear reader) and a guy who’s destined to be unsuccessful in dating isn’t which problems we have… It’s how much RESPONSIBILITY we (do or don’t) take for our bullshit.
That’s how you move forward with women and in life.
As a dating coach, I don’t promise you a dating life free of problems if you work with me. That’s impossible, and solving the problems is half the fun!
I promise you a dating life where you (and the women you date) are empowered and aware!
I promise you the wisdom and direction necessary to move you from the problems you have now, to problems that are much easier for you to get through.
You running into some absolute bullshit in this domain of your life is a question of WHEN, not IF.
And when it happens…
Or will you go it alone and stagnate? Never find the awareness you need to transcend your current self, and become a much more aligned one?
The choice is yours.
Take care,
– Ben
