Tension or comfort? Which one should you actively build?

I’ve talked before about how tension and comfort are the main two ingredients of escalation with a woman, and shared a story of how my buddy dated a girl who he had plenty of comfort with… but very little tension, the lack thereof killed whatever romance they had going.

(then a story where I made my expertise with sexual tension work for me)

So you’d assume sexual tension is the cure-all for every guy’s girl problems, yeah?

If she’s not 100% hooked, just build more tension and she’ll get attracted. If you didn’t keep her, it’s because you created far too little tension alongside your comfort, yeah?

“You need to build more tension!” can be good advice that transforms a guy’s interactions with women from platonic and routine to fun and sexually charged…

Or bad advice that gets him scaring women away, even the ones who find him attractive.

It depends on the guy, so you need to understand what’s more important for you as an individual to actively build – TENSION or COMFORT?

Which guys need to actively build tension?

Here’s the general heuristic – the more comfort you passively create, the more tension you need to actively create.

If you’re a man who likes to relate to women through interesting and engaging conversations, being attentive to each other’s emotional needs, or looking for a personal connection before a sexual one…

If your dating woes tend to involve being lost on how to make your connection with a girl SEXUAL and HORNY instead of just two cool individuals spending quality time together and getting to know each other…

You need to throw some tension in there.

Be okay with teasing her and making her feel like a little girl on the playground again, being direct about your interest in fucking her (in socially calibrated ways that respect her boundaries, autonomy, and humanity, of course), taking the lead and playing with her a bit, letting your conversations have pauses where you don’t immediately rush to fill the silences, even if she’s begging you to…

Then she’ll see there’s more to you than she thought. You’re this sweet, socially calibrated and accepted guy who’d make a great date… But you also have a playful and dominant side?

You better believe this’ll get her waaaay more hooked on you!

For men who are used to relating to women through comfort, learning to sprinkle in some tension among that comfort is the game-changer that’ll get them feeling empowered and dominant with the women they like. This can turn a woman who’s comfortable and interested but sexually lukewarm with you into a woman who wants to be your Anastasia Steele.

However, some men are naturally more inclined to relate to women through tension. This advice here will actually HINDER those men.

These men, who prefer to seek a sexual connection with a woman before a personal one, need to follow the opposite of this advice.

The more tension they passively create, the more comfort they need to actively create. They need to actively focus on creating rapport and making the girl feel at ease with them. Their energy is ALREADY creating the tension they need for sexual escalation.

Which guys need to actively build comfort?

I learned this the hard way when I first got into cold approaching. I’d do everything right – open with a genuine compliment, make assumptions, tease her, be dominant, be the man in the interaction…

And almost every girl would close up and bail on the set.

Now in some cases, that was because we didn’t have much psychological common ground, she already had a boyfriend she was happy with, I wasn’t her type of guy, or she really wasn’t feeling a chat no matter what game I’d have pulled…

But the same thing would happen with the girls who were otherwise attracted to me.

It boggled my mind. I was doing everything right to build attraction. I’d forged myself into an attractive, self-directed guy; I was no longer a needy, emotionally fragile guy who didn’t understand sexual energy… I was honest about my interest in the girl, while having fun with it and respecting her right to reject me.

Except I forgot one crucial variable here:

I’m an attractive, masculine, dominant guy with an intense personality.

(and my individual inclination is to relate to a girl sexually before I relate to her personally)

This already builds more than enough tension.

So a guy like me who’s muscular, dresses well, and has little fear around approaching girls he finds attractive will automatically create a loooot of tension when approaching a girl, especially a girl who’s only meeting me for the first time.

So if I actively create MORE tension through my game, I won’t be metaphorically quenching the girl’s thirst with a glass of water… I’ll be drowning her in a lake!

My game – and the game of all guys whose energy is strongly, implicitly sexual – needs to be oriented around COMFORT for a girl to want to escalate – actively building rapport and making her feel at ease with me, getting to know her on a human level, toning down my intensity and letting her have some control over the interaction.

In fact, I’ve gotten the most genuine interest from girls when I’ve just relaxed and let them come to me rather than following this “I’m a man, I go for what I want” mindset.

As crucial as tension is for getting pretty girls attracted to you, it NEEDS to be balanced out with comfort for her to trust you. Otherwise, she’ll feel insecure being with you, no matter how attractive she finds you. She’ll have no stability to grab on to as the tension floods her.

Any guy can and should learn to improve his tension-building and his comfort-building, no matter what his individual preferences in his interactions with women are. The key is awareness and calibration, knowing where you’re naturally strong and where you’re lacking, and holding strong to the former while actively working on the latter.

Girls make mistakes too!

A funny little synchronicity happened to me right before I wrote this piece today.

An attractive girl on the bus was giving me the typical eye contact girls give you when they want you to approach them.

But her eye contact was piercing and direct.

Plus though she had a mask on, I could tell her mouth had a case of RBF under there.

And rather than take the hint (which I did, I’m not clueless) and do my part to escalate, I was the one who bailed due to the excess of tension and uncertainty in the “comfort” domain.

This pretty girl made the same mistake I’ve made numerous times – not balancing out tension with comfort. I may have found her attractive, but I didn’t feel comfortable acting on that and doing the approach. I felt more like her psychological prey than a fellow human she was interested in getting to know.

If this girl had given me warm, soft eye contact and a bright smile, I 100% would have said hi and seen what’s up! Her game would have gotten me… if she’d toned down HER intensity, given me some comfort and ease, and let me come to her.

That girl’s exact behavior would have been the right game for a girl who was already showing her bubbly, social, outgoing side, and wanted to give the guy she liked some sexual tension to sweeten things up… But since she was already giving off reserved, tense, mysterious, introverted energy, her game came off as unnerving and out of place in the larger context, not smooth and sexually exciting.

Anyhoo gents, I hope this email gave you something to think about.

Now here’s the usual sales pitch:

For more stellar insights and guidance on MASCULINITY, SEXUAL ENERGY and GITTING GURLS, calibrated to your individual situation in the dating world…

See me in coaching!

Attraction isn’t “one size fits all”. As your coach, I won’t give you some blueprint that’ll make you exactly like some other attractive guy. We’ll build up your individual strengths, so you’ll be your own man, your own attractive man who GETS the women he desires most. 

Nothing’s gonna stand in our way,

– Ben


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