I got a story from my last Saturday night out at the bars for you boys.
Pretty early into the night, I stumbled upon a chill, gregarious guy chatting up a couple girls who were out for a smoke…
And a girl in a jean jacket with short hair and piercings who was calling him creepy and weird for doing so. Predictable.
Now, this guy made a VERY common mistake we make when female people argue with us or challenge our frame:
He argued back.
Calmly and respectfully, but still. He argued back calmly and respectfully, telling her how it’s not weird to chat up girls, that they were comfortable with it and okay with it…
And she kept arguing her same points – what if the guy was a creep, what if the girls didn’t want to be talked to, how weird it was that he was talking to them..
Then I chimed in.
“Oh, you’re weird!” I told her directly with a smile on my face.
Then I sat (well, stood) back and relaxed into the tension I’d just created, holding space for the guy, the girl, and his buddy who’d jumped in trying to refute the girl’s points too. The girls he was chatting up were barely present.
“You think I’m weird?”
“There’s nothing wrong with being weird.”
The rest of our conversation went like that. The guys arguing the nuances of whether approaching random girls on a night out is weird or creepy… The girl repeating her points that yes, it is weird and creepy… And me calling the girl weird, but showing her a bit of love and telling her it’s okay to be weird. She didn’t even ask me what I thought about approaching girls, sadly. But to be fair, she didn’t know me.
Even if approaching girls is one of my passions…
See what I did there?
I have a personal rule that I don’t get into arguments that aren’t worth having. It’s pointless. It’s a waste of time. Getting into a logical argument with someone, especially a female someone, is a sure-fire way to get into a never-ending, frustrating logical loop where neither party is convinced to shift their view at all.
Rather than arguing back and falling into the girl’s frame, I reframed the situation. Instead of playing by her rules, I transcended them.
Rather than making an enemy or a counter-arguer out of her, I playfully teased her and turned the tension of conflict into lighter tension, at least for me.
The frame was mine from then on.
Why women argue
Men, STOP making the mistake of taking women’s arguments at face value.
Again, it’s a very common male mistake to engage her in a logical debate about what’s what.
Arguments are really a battle over the frame. Doesn’t matter what points you make. If you have the stronger frame, victory is yours.
Now, this doesn’t mean “if I just bulldoze everything she says with what I believe, she’ll respect me as a man and fall into my frame.”
She wants to be heard, otherwise she would just shut up and keep her thoughts/feelings to herself. But here’s the thing:
She doesn’t want you to listen to what she’s saying, as much as she wants you to listen to what she’s FEELING. She wants you to be a man and lead you two through it, not to challenge it.
This is true whether she’s your wife/girlfriend, a girl you’re dating, a casual hookup, or just a stranger you ran into on the street.
Women’s arguments and complaints are a test of your sex and your frame, not of your oratory skills or debate skills.
Are you conscious and aware and tuned in to the energy around you? Or are you depolarized and energetically flaccid?
Do you have self-control and self-direction? Or are you primarily motivated by receiving validation from people?
Will you be a man and shape the world to your will? – or will you be passive and aimless, with your frame constantly at other people’s mercy?
So remember this the next time a girl gives you shit – She’s doing it to remind you to be a fuller, more present, more masculine version of yourself.
Words won’t soothe her, but your presence and integrity absolutely will.
Now how do you get this presence and integrity? We’ll go over that in coaching!
Embracing this masculine orientation towards women and the world takes time if you’re not used to it.
It’s already in you, but you may have lost touch with it as the world’s had its way with you.
Than to say “I’ll do it later, when I feel more up to it, when I’m in X place” like someone who doesn’t actually want his dating life to get better.
Do you want to be a man during your most vital years, and GET the women your heart most desires, or would you rather just be a product of the conditioning the world’s instilled in you, and get women who half-inspire you at best?
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