A follower of mine on the bird app asked me this recently:
“Intuition vs projection: say I’m talking to an attractive woman who I think is attracted to me. How do I determine if it’s my intuition or if I’m projecting my own desire?”
Do you think more about your present relationship, or about your future relationship?
When you evaluate your relationship with this girl, is it based on interactions you’ve already had? On how she’s ALREADY been treating you?
Or is it based on interactions you’re yet to have? On how you wish she’ll treat you once you get to know each other better?
If it’s the former, you could very well be intuiting her attraction to you (men typically have a way harder time picking up on signals of interest than women do, but that’s not to say we can’t hone our intuition). If it’s the latter, then brother, you’re fantasy projecting. You’re building a bullshit story in your head of who this girl is, and it’s almost certainly not aligned with reality.
Now, there’s one caveat about evaluating the interactions you’ve already had:
You may be fantasy projecting with these too, assigning meaning to things that validate your fantasies, rather than objectively seeing this girl for who she is.
How can you tell if a girl’s attracted to you?
Us guys can get our knickers in a twist looking for signs of attraction from women.
“She looked at me this way!”
“She played with her hair this way!”
“She said this to me!”
“She pointed her feet at me this way!”
“Her body language was..!”
Do these “signs” really mean she’s attracted to you and not being forward about it?
They absolutely could! Your intuition may be correct about them!
But they also could mean literally anything else. She could be acting that way for whatever reason, as your ego rationalizes all her minute behaviors into signs of interest in you.
So here’s my advice to you and all the other gents who are lost on reading a girl’s signs of interest or lack thereof:
Stop looking for “signs” she’s attracted to you. This is a waste of your mental/emotional bandwidth, and will very likely send you into an analysis paralysis feedback loop where you obsess over tiny meaningless things without actually taking any real action.
Instead, pursue a girl based on WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT HER. When a girl catches your eye, let yourself viscerally feel your desire for her. Then let this desire guide you to and through her. Don’t think about whether she’s interested in you. Focus on YOUR interest in HER, and act on it.
Frame yourself as the selector, not as a guy who’s waiting for a girl to select him.
Worst case scenario, she’s not interested in you and you can respectfully let her go.
Now, if you’re not used to thinking like this, I know it may be scary and uncomfortable. You may be afraid of crossing the girl’s boundaries. You may have sexual shame or trauma stopping you from acting on your true desires (which we’ll undo in coaching!)
You only have to push forward just a little.
Then let her play her part in the dance.
You will never know for sure whether a girl’s interested in you until you polarize her, until you make a move on her and see how she responds to it.
Looking for “signs of attraction” is avoidance and fantasy projection, more often than not.
So I tell guys to look for only ONE of these signs:
When you move things forward with her, does she reciprocate in trying to make something happen with you?
Ask yourself this next time you’re unsure whether a girl you like wants you too. This one question will cut through all the BS, all the rationalization, all the hoping, wishing, fantasy projecting.
However shy or outgoing she is – When you lead her forward in conversation or movement or relationship depth, does she follow you?
Doesn’t matter if she’s actually attracted to you but too shy to show it. Maybe your intution’s right about that, maybe it isn’t. Take her behavior at face value instead of hoping for her to change how she treats you in the FUTURE. You deserve a girl who’s into you and unafraid to admit it. You deserve a girl who’s super super receptive to you.
Doesn’t matter if you’ve barely talked to her, or if she’s some random girl in public who’s caught your eye. Make a move. Fuck around and find out.
NEXT any girl who isn’t super super enthusiastic about you NOW. Kill your “maybe in the future, she’ll act differently” fantasy projections.
When you make a move on her, does she dance with you or not?
Is she trying to make something happen with you too?
I know (and you should know too) that it’s the man’s job to move every phase of courtship forward, and she obviously has a say in it too.
You need to lead, and she needs to be receptive to your leadership. Your job is self-direction. Her job is openness, discernment with her receptivity. And you can only see the full extent of her receptivity to you (or lack thereof) when you polarize her with your sexuality, when you give her something to be receptive to.
Get into the habit of ACTION, and deprogram yourself of analysis paralysis + fantasy projections. Then, you’ll hone your intuition, get out of your head and into the flow of life, and you’ll be quick to next girls who aren’t right for you while having a keen sense of those who are.
There’s no better place than coaching to undo the knots in you that are stopping you from showing up as your most present, most aware, most masculine self.
I won’t teach you how to be like some other attractive guy. We’ll uncover everything about YOURSELF that’ll attract the awesome, high-quality women who are best for you.
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