As adamant as I am about getting guys to settle for nothing less than sweet, generous, giving, responsible women…
I have to admit…
Broken women have value.
Of course, you should never date a woman you aren’t physically, biochemically attracted to. That’s a hard rule every guy should follow. You have nothing to gain from dating a girl your biology is repulsed by.
A woman whose individual psychological profile pisses you off however – It’s a rite of passage for many of us gents to be intimate with a broken, traumatized lady. Maybe even a manipulative or downright evil one.
Now look, objectively speaking, it’s always better to find a woman without much trauma, or one who manages hers well. We all have some of it, and oftentimes the difference between a broken (wo)man and a healthy one isn’t the amount of trauma they’ve suffered, but rather the work they’ve done to overcome it.
(see me in coaching when you’re ready to face all of yours and clear it out!)
As pertinent as the assortment effect is when we select who to date, there are exceptions.
A relatively broken man CAN attract interest from a not-so-relatively-broken woman! Especially if he knows how to hide his damage well upon first meeting.
But here’s the problem:
He’s not going to be strongly psychologically attracted to her, at least not on an intimate level.
Sure, there can be some surface-level vibing, similar values, and shared interests, but they won’t really GET each other. This dating experience will rarely, if ever, develop into a strong, emotionally intimate relationship.
For a broken man, dating a broken women is actually PREFERABLE. Their shared, unhealed damage will be a powerful force for connection.
The three types of trauma-bonds
When two broken people get together, one of three endgame scenarios results:
1. Neither of them wizens up to how they can change for the better. Either they stay together and become codependent, or they break it off and repeat their toxic patterns with other people.
2. One person decides to get better, the other doesn’t. This invariably leads to a rough breakup that sets the former person on a path of self-improvement.
3. BOTH decide to get better, and forge a strong bond by overcoming their shared damage together.
I’ve lived all 3 of these and seen all 3 of these scenarios play out with other people, so assuming you’re a responsible guy, I bet you’re wondering:
How can you tell whether you’re on track for the second or third scenario?
(my work won’t resonate with men who chronically find themselves in the first scenario)
Is the broken girl you’re with capable of going down the same path of self-improvement and self-love that you’ve chosen for yourself? (if you’re on my mailing list, you better want exactly that!)
Of course, the first piece of criteria is that YOU have to be working on YOURSELF. You can’t raise a woman to a height you aren’t already at yourself.
The second is:
You have to love her deeply.
You need to have a unique connection beyond your trauma to alchemize her in this way, to turn her into a better person. THIS is when love prevails through trauma, when you’re holistically compatible beyond the BS.
If this is a woman you’re just casually banging/dating, or who you’re only kiiiinda feeling for the long-term, or who you are set on for the long-term but it’s a needy fantasy idealization… She won’t change for you.
Female self-improvement operates on different principles than male self-improvement does. You CANNOT change a woman for the better by giving her hard advice like “you should lift weights, you should be responsible for your finances, if only you stopped acting/thinking/feeling like this…”, unless she’s strongly in her masculine energy.
A woman changes for the better when it means enhancing the flow of love in her life.
I could go less PC here and also say – Women change for the better when it means pleasing the men she most respects/loves.
This is also why women self-sabotage and self-UNimprove. The most dominant men/cultural and masculine forces in those women’s lives are degenerates with bad values, and these women mold themselves to their expectations.
You can’t save these hoes unless they genuinely feel more loved by you than by the prior things. That’s where captain save-a-hoe fails, and why he never accomplishes his dream of saving a hoe. He’s attached to his fantasy projection of who the girl will be for him in the future. He doesn’t love her for who she already is.
So why should a guy ever date a broken girl he doesn’t genuinely love?
In the mirror that is a woman, a man can see himself objectively. Through her, whether she sticks around or not, he can start to love himself more. A healthier woman won’t mirror him so much.
He can’t relate to her light. But he CAN relate to a broken woman’s dimmed light.
A broken man dating a healthy woman will encounter an unhealthy polarization that creates bad tension between the two – “she’s good, I’m bad”
This same man with a similarly broken woman however, can see “I’m dating her because THIS about us aligns, whether it’s good or bad”.
Through her, unlike with a healthier woman, he can learn to say NO to his dissociations by facing them head-on in another person. And he’ll keep doing so with the women he dates in the future.
That’s why dating broken women is a rite of passage for so many of us. I don’t encourage it or discourage it for men with low self-love. It’s just something that naturally happens, and is usually necessary for a man to transcend some of his BS.
Then once you’ve sharpened your sword with the broken ones, they won’t want anything to do with you anymore, nor you them. The dynamic will shift. YOU’LL now be the bright light that the dimly lit women can’t relate to, and will even be scared and intimidated by.
And when you attract more women, odds are almost certain they’ll be shining as brightly as you.
Wherever you’re at in your masculine development, you don’t have to jump blindly into the forging fire that is your dating life.
Working with me won’t immediately remove all your problems, but it will give you the tools and wisdom you need to achieve years of progress in mere months.
So what’ll you do?
Swim in the waters of the dating world by yourself with a constant risk of drowning?
Or see me in coaching and do it with a boat and lifejacket and cool flippers and scuba gear and all that?
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