What commitment advice works for women?

I knew at first sight I had to write a piece about these couple tweets from the amazing Arooba (and the attached video of a female dating coach giving some advice):

“Young ladies: follow my 3 month no kissing rule! You will thank me.”

“This is literally the advice that young girls need but are not given and so they end up losing all boundaries on the first date.”

“If you, as a young woman, are convinced that in order to keep a man you need to sacrifice your sexual integrity —consider that maybe you’re dating the wrong men.”

(link to original tweets)

Roobz is intelligent and moving up in life, and her following is well-earnt. We even did a podcast together once, so check it out!

The advice these two ladies are giving here is objectively correct.

We men DO value women who don’t give themselves away easily, and the “will she or won’t she fuck me” tension early in the courtship process sure adds some excitement, along with showing us that no, she won’t just give her body to a dude she’s only starting to get to know.

And women among all demographics bond with men through sex. A need for commitment and provision from men is hardwired into them, and sex without commitment can psychologically damage a woman.

But I still have an issue with this advice, not-wrong as it is.

It’s one of those things that works better in theory than in reality, and better for some women than others.

When it’s loosely followed, yes, putting off sex works to get a man’s investment, and to screen out men who just want to smash then and there.

But if you’re a lady looking for a husband and you’re chronically dating men who don’t want to commit, following this advice will actually make your dating life WORSE.

Hoo boy, I’m gonna hurt the trad girls’ egos with this one.

But if long-term commitment/marriage is your goal, ladies, you’re gonna need to hear this.

Is non-committed sex disempowering?

My issue with hard rules for sex like “you need to wait for x amount of dates or x amount of time before kissing/fucking/holding hands while reading the Bible” is that you can’t constrain or negotiate sexuality with conscious rules. It’s either ON with certain people or it isn’t. Your biology doesn’t think “I should naturally put out when I’ve seen this person x amount of times”.

While I 100% respect the preferences of people who want to wait for commitment before having sex, the truth is that you usually have a pretty clear idea where things are going with someone early on. (if you’re aware and grounded in reality instead of fantasy, that is)

And placing concrete rules around your sexuality only delays the inevitable – realizing you’re incompatible with the other person.

I don’t know a single lasting, committed relationship where it wasn’t super ON, super FUCK YES right from the start between both people, even if problems arose along the way.

So if you’re uncertain about whether you can see yourself having sex with a guy, or committing to him past even a week of dating, I recommend you let him go.

You should be dating men who make you feel both genuine desire and genuine comfort, and while no man and no woman is perfect and you can give someone the benefit of the doubt when they’re lacking in either domain…

You should be able to have an honest conversation about what you’re both expecting in your dating experience, and make sure that you’re both on the right trajectory for positive growth.

My second issue with this advice is – As much as degeneracy and sluthood are negative programming for women, extreme prudence and saving yourself for marriage is ALSO PROGRAMMING that can fuck women up, and give them major issues with sexual/emotional intimacy.

Look ladies, I get it.

Women want to feel like they’re in control of their sexuality. Not like someone else is calling the shots about it for them.

Different demographics/societies wrongfully attempt to outsource this control from women. Not by letting women UNDERSTAND their sexuality, but by SHAMING either the part of a woman that wants to get fucked, or the part of her that wants to surrender herself to a man in their relationship.

This force inevitably leads to countercultural rebellion, whether it’s girls who grew up in clean-cut families jumping into sexual liberalism when their parents aren’t looking, or girls who’ve had some notches LARPing as pure, wholesome trad girls on the bird app (I can tell you’re not being honest about your past, ladies!)

The false idea that “slutting around is empowering! Wanting a husband means you’re oppressed!” gives lost women a superficially strong (though actually weak) sense of this sexual self-empowerment, just like the equally false idea that “if you let a man in you before marriage, you’re a bad bad woman who he won’t want to commit to!”

While I’m obviously all for women having boundaries about their sexuality, you ladies need to be radically honest with yourselves about WHY your boundaries are what they are.

Are they natural, or have they been programmed into you?

Because here’s the tough little pill for “trad” girls to swallow: Even if the man you’re looking to commit to is HIMSELF a “good boy virgin” and YOU have never been with a guy yourself…

You’re a sexual being to him. Sex between you is a question of WHEN, not IF. Sex with you will ALWAYS be on his mind.

Your conscious sexual self-denial will actually RUIN the emotional intimacy between you two, if it even happens in the first place, and lead to resentment, as you treat your sexuality and sex overall like something he’s meant to TAKE or EARN from you by fitting x criteria so he can receive y, not as a mutually enjoyable experience you enthusiastically share with each other.

This is the same mentality that sexually needy men have. So guess who you’ll naturally vibe with when you have this mindset about your sex, harsh as this is to say.

Your mindset that men want to TAKE sex from you will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you will date and attract these exact men for it.

Just like I tell guys – “there is no trad virgin gf for you out there who doesn’t know what sex is till she meets you”, the girls need to know that there is no man out there without his own biological impulse to FUCK. You can have a guy who’s in tune with it, or a guy who isn’t, and suffer for it either way.

If the man you’re attracted to is integrated, sexually confident, and also respectful of your decision to want commitment before sex, you operating in a frame of SHAME about your own sexuality will turn him off and get YOU RESENTING YOURSELF over how free he is in his own sexuality compared to how you are.

Odds are you won’t even date him in the first place.

Thus, such a woman will create all sorts of rules about her sexuality, not because she “respects herself”, but as a defence mechanism to stop herself really getting to know a man, or even the full extent of herself. She fears love. She fears opening herself to a man. And she rationalizes her sexual avoidance as virtue in the exact same way that sluts rationalize their sexual anxious-attachments as freedom and virtue.

Here’s how to get past this:

Ground yourself in your sex.

Women who sleep with men who don’t care about them do it for a simple reason – it makes them feel like women. It validates their sex and sexuality.

(same for men who sleep with women who don’t care about them)

So if you’re a commitment-seeking girl who’s dating guys who just want to hit it and quit it:

Why?

You’re not accidentally dating them.

Whatever you hope to gain from it, you need to learn to cultivate on your own.

But learning to understand your sex as something that permeates all of yourself, not just as an activity that happens in the bedroom, that’s a topic for another email.

And getting mad at those men who want to hit it and quit it is a necessary step in establishing your boundaries in dating. But don’t stay in this “I hate men who just want non-committed sex” way of thinking.

After you embrace the anger, let yourself simply become bored of men who don’t align with your values.

Once that’s done, you’ll stop attracting them.

So, should a girl wait?

I know successful relationships where the guy and the girl got sexy as soon as they met, and also ones where they waited a bit and got to know each other beforehand.

The common thread between them all: NO SHAME around both their sexuality and their pair-bonding ability. These people made the decisions that made THEM happiest, not as a result of external programming.

So it’d be incredibly fucking stupid to tell ALL girls that they should fuck their man ASAP, wait till marriage, or anything in between.

Depending on the girl, any of this advice will either set her on an easy path to happiness in her dating life, or make her desperately want to fit into a box that just isn’t for her. It’ll make her suffer in quiet misery as the men she REALLY wants all either pass her up, or get pushed away by her self-sabotage.

So here’s my advice to the girls reading this:

You can be free + open in your sexuality AND be discerning about which men you give it to, and how quickly you give it to them.

Being a good woman does NOT = being sexually closed off.

Being a bad woman does NOT = being sexually open.

Find the middle ground between prudence and whoredom that works best for YOU, PERSONALLY.

You are a madonna AND a whore. Any repression of either of these archetypes in you will drive integrated men away from you, and attract men who are similarly blind to either their “lover” or “provider” side.

Telling yourself you won’t put out sexually unless a man does x for you STILL reduces you to a sexual object in his eyes, and makes sex transactional rather than mutually empowering. You’re still assuming your value as a woman is contingent on your ability to fuck, except by different standards.

So learn to see your womanhood holistically. You will always bond with men through sex, but remember – you don’t need to actually have sex to connect with a man and please him on a sexual level.

This means digging through your BS, and uncovering all the great parts of yourself you’ve forgotten.

Your success in the dating world is exactly correlated with how much you love yourself and embrace every single thing there is about you. I don’t mean this in the LARPy motivational Instagram post way. Women who actually love themselves don’t share these.

But sadly for you, I only work with men.

Men who want this type of advice tailored to their individual situation in dating.

Men who I won’t force to fit some “attractive man” archetype that just isn’t them.

Men who I’ll do the deep work AND the superficial work with, so they never self-sabotage with the women they crave ever again.

When you’re ready to step into your most integrated, most aware, most present, most masculine self…

See me in coaching. Fill out the form, and we’ll go from there.

Cheers,

– Ben


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