Female psychology lessons I (A MAN) learned from Fifty Shades of Grey

Last year when I was hell-bent on fully understanding female psychology, I read, you guessed it…

Fifty Shades of Grey - Wikipedia
This poorly-written thing

You don’t need me to tell you what a commercial success it’s been, with beautiful prose like

“Um.” I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist manifesto. Stop talking. Stop talking NOW

Enough said.

Why did Fifty Shades of Grey sell so well?

This universe has a ton of major mysteries.

Why are we all here?

What happens after death?

Is time travel possible?

What’s the point of mosquitos existing?

Why is Fifty Shades of Grey so popular with women?

Not all of those have answers, but the very last one does.

Fifty Shades of Grey appeals to women’s foundational, primal sexual nature.

This sexual nature and its male counterpart have been conditioned into repression by modern social programming, but it’s not going anywhere. The same things that biologically attracted women to men at the dawn of time are the same that do so today, and still will 2000 years in the future.

You need to be consciously aware of these impulses of ours to be truly successful with women. In fact, this is the fundamental difference between “alpha” and “beta” males and females – is sex something you get outside yourself, or is it something you ARE?

Fifty Shades has next to no literary value, but it’s a PHENOMENAL read when it comes to understanding female psychology and the feminine shadow. You can learn more about the female mind from reading it than from almost any seduction book or psychology textbook.

Unexpected as this may be, I consider it a recommended read for all you gents working to get better with the ladies. Though if reading only a few pages of it makes you want to kill yourself, here are some lessons I learned from reading this piece of garbage that isn’t actually such garbage.

1. A woman’s core fantasy is being desired by a valuable, purposeful man

That’s exactly what Christian Grey is – A rich, successful, high-status, good-looking, in-shape man in his prime.

That’s the superficial shit. Beyond that, he’s INTERESTING. He has dark depths to himself. He gets up to cool shit outside of work and stuff. And THAT is what really gets a woman going for a man beyond the superficial shit – the layers beneath that. MYSTERY is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Christian’s wealth and success do appeal to Ana, but it’s all secondary at best to his ENERGY. His material life preselects him to Ana, and gets her initially interested in meeting him, but the feelings he generates in her are what keep him on her mind.

Ana falls for Christian right when they meet. And that’s after he only touches her once – on the shoulders. He seduces her with his gaze more than anything. It penetrates her, and it’s a valuable tactic for any gent who really wants to get a lady addicted to him.

For a woman who’s grounded in her femininity, sex starts when your eyes touch hers, not when your genitals do. She unconsciously knows for sure whether she’d sleep with you in the first 6.5 seconds of meeting you!

Dating gurus talk about “creating feelings” in a girl to get her addicted to you, and that’s exactly what Christian does in Fifty Shades.

But how?

Genuine desire for Ana is how.

To do this with a woman, you don’t follow a system to “create feelings”, otherwise you’ll come off as fake and incongruent. You give her yours. You act on your genuine, visceral desire for her.

If you’re going for her out of pure ego or fantasy reasons, she won’t be attracted to you unless she’s ALSO going for you for those same reasons. This won’t lead to a healthy relationship in any case, so have some awareness of what you’re really feeling for a girl.

Women are mirrors to you, after all. And feelings are contagious. Be mindful of yours, and remember that women CRAVE being desired by confident, competent men. Because…

2. A woman’s #1 pleasure in sex is bonding with her man and becoming his

She wants to be penetrated. Not just in a physical sense. In a spiritual, existential sense.

The true eroticism of Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t come from the physical act of sex between Christian and Ana. After all, this book was written for women, by a woman 😉

It comes from her being claimed by him as HIS. The most erotic thing to a woman is sexual asymmetry – surrendering herself to a man as she dances with him. He gently takes her, she gently pushes and pulls, building the tension and anticipation of the two of them becoming one.

A feminine woman’s #1 pleasure in sex and intimacy is devoting her existence to her (worthy) man. That’s the essence of feminine surrender. It’s not forceful, nor oppressive, unlike what modern social programming may say. It’s a natural feminine path, a natural, existential feminine desire.

This exact surrender and “ownership” is exactly what makes romance novels for women the equivalent of photos/videos of pretty women for men. We’re turned on by claiming pretty women. Those pretty women are turned on by being claimed by us handsome men.

Trust is integral throughout the whole process. As much as Ana and the female readers she’s a proxy for are turned on by the superficial things about Christian, the real cake beneath the icing is Christian and Ana’s VULNERABILITY and CLOSENESS with each other. She’s not just a one-off purely physical fuck to him. She has a place in his world.

You can’t be truly successful with women without vulnerability, gents. You can only open a woman to you as much as you open yourself to her.

3. The guy who’s a great fit for a girl on paper – isn’t such a great fit in practice.

Ana has a male friend named Jose. He’s tall, hot, muscled, nice, and funny… Aaaaand fundamentally has a “beta” mentality with Ana. Likes her a lot, but tries to be friends first.

On paper, Jose would be a great boyfriend for Ana. In practice, he’s too domesticated and too needy for her approval to really turn her on. His savage masculine energy just isn’t there, unlike Christian’s, which is there in full force.

Christian attracts Ana on a dark, primal level because that savage side of him is integrated into his overall personality and sense of self. Jose’s savagery is compartmentalized, suppressed. On a spiritual, emotional level, Jose is all comfort and no desire. Christian is mostly desire, with growing comfort as his relationship with Ana progresses.

Most pertinently, Jose is a guy who “checks all the boxes” despite his sexual energy being lacking.

I’ve had this exact situation quite a few times. I’ve dated, befriended, or just crushed on a girl who I was drawn to for logical reasons – we had many superficial interests in common, or we ‘clicked’ as friends (but not sexually), or dating her just “made sense” to my head-  but not to my heart or even to my sex.

“Checking the boxes” is an obvious plus in a potential partner, but like material success, it’s the icing, not the cake.

One reason Christian GETS Ana while Jose doesn’t is because Christian has more psychological/emotional/spiritual common ground with Ana than Jose.

Ana unconsciously pre-consented to her relationship with Christian, even before she met him. And vice-versa too.

How do you practically apply this to your own life?

Keep in mind that Fifty Shades of Grey is a FANTASY and a fictional work.

Christian Grey is the literary equivalent of a porn star – he’s an exaggerated model of what kind of man turns a woman on.

You don’t have to be as rich, successful, or savage as him to get a woman obsessed with you. Just a bit of all those things goes a long way.

But the #1 thing you can learn from him is to OWN YOUR DESIRES.

While you may not want a BDSM relationship, or a girl like Ana, or to be a guy like Christian, remember that every woman wants to feel like her man desires her for HER. It’s THIS unconditional, non-negotiated, fiery desire that brought those two together, not the BDSM stuff or any game Christian may have pulled.

Unhealthy programming may have gotten you ashamed of this natural instinct of yours, but it’ll always be there if you’re really a man. And beyond the game and tactics you’ll learn from me in coaching, THIS ENERGY is what’ll truly get you the women you desire.

I’m not a rich business magnate, but I can teach you to integrate this Christian Grey type energy into yourself.

Not only that. In coaching, we’ll work on an abundance of things that’ll git u good at gitting gurls – deep psychological work (my specialty), handling feminine energy, tactical game advice, and much much more.

We’ll get you the dating life of your dreams. You won’t have to be sleazy, fake, or to go through the motions.

See me when you’re ready to be your most masculine, most integrated, most present, most aware self.

– Ben

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