Men who wish someone cared – STOP!

I fucking love the bird app and want to write more newsletters about stuff I see there, so here we go.

“My birthday sucked” – The story of a man in his mid-30s who demanded 2 things for his birthday:

1. An enthusiastic blowjob from his wife.

2. Breakfast made for him. Just a little gesture of affection.

But nope, he spent the day being the family’s thankless workhorse – doing the housework, taking care of the kids, working his job, as his wife went to another city for a meeting and was too tired to do anything else for the family at the end of the day…

“now I mindlessly scroll Reddit wishing someone cared about me, not just needed me for money / food / changing diapers.

Honestly a card, a letter, a cuddle and a ‘happy birthday’, a fucking coffee made for me. Any glimmer of hope that someone cared would have been enough…

I’ve got money, food and a roof over my head. I know at the end of the day it’s not so bad and I’m just being a bitch. But I guess it’s a bit lonely hey.”

(link to original Reddit post)

Many a self-sacrificial nice guy gets himself trapped in a passionless marriage like this, with an ungrateful wife who just plain SUCKS and uses him for his provision.

The people on the TL bitching out the wife were coming from a place of honesty. She’s a bad wife! She’s manipulative and lazy and ungrateful, all red flags in a woman.

Not only that.

The guy is a shitty, low-quality husband.

It’s for that reason that he doesn’t have a passionate relationship with a beautiful woman. His broken marriage is a symptom of his malaise, not its cause. Despite being a dedicated provider for his family, this guy isn’t showing up as a man in his life.

The real cause of his misery isn’t how his family’s treating him, it’s how HE’S TREATING HIMSELF. He treats himself like shit, defines his manhood by feminine validation, and now has gone on Reddit to seek sympathy from Internet strangers. He likes being a victim, because it makes him feel seen.

I can intuit why.

He doesn’t have masculine friends.

Not accidentally. This guy’s afraid of being sharpened. He’s a spineless coward beneath his superficial kindness and his paycheques.

He needs masculine healing, not the feminine healing he’s seeking from Internet strangers.

He craves mommy’s warm embrace from his wife, when what he really needs is a man to slap him in the face and lovingly show him how to have a spine.

I have no respect for this grown man who follows the typical “nice guy” way of life: 1. Suck with women, 2. Make a ton of money, 3. Settle down with a wife who needs resources and kids after getting ran through by the jerks, thinking commitment with a woman is the finish line of his masculine self-development.

No.

Committing to a woman is your cue to go twice as hard at sharpening your masculinity. Otherwise, you will have the worst fate of all in your dating life – wasting your precious young years being trapped in a commitment with a woman who dulls you.

As he said in a future comment on his post:

“I just wanted to make her smile…

Honestly years of this crap has made me feel worthless and like I couldn’t find another partner if I tried… maybe that’s why I haven’t moonwalked yet.”

He doesn’t actually love his wife either. He’s SETTLING. His gestures of affection to her are a pathetic monkey dance to earn her sex, not an expression of unconditional love. Passionate as she isn’t about him, he’s not that passionate about her either. And no amount of bargaining for a blowjob or affection will ever kindle that passion when he’s only with his wife because she’s (in his mind) the only woman ever willing to commit to him.

I’d offer him coaching that would genuinely 180 his dating life, help him show up as a confident and competent man in his life, and get him a sexy, dedicated woman who genuinely loves pleasing him.

But I can predict how that offer would go:

“Maybe”

“I’ll think about it”

“Paying four figures for a dating coaching service? I don’t know…”

“You’re in your 20s, what do you know?”

And my response:

“You’re in your mid-30s. You wasted the last 17ish years of your adult life being powerless with women, before marrying a woman who doesn’t respect you or desire you. A woman who’s only using you for your paycheques. Get your fucking shit together.”

Now let’s assume he’ll listen to me and take my advice. What would I tell this nice guy in a shite, “well, I guess it’s good to have someone around” type of marriage?

(in practice, 99% chance he wouldn’t listen to me. But for the guys reading this who have “nice guy” traits but are also responsible, self-aware, and willing to do the work to become better, happier, more integrated men, this’ll be for you!)

1. Spend some time away from your wife and kids. Find yourself some brothers.

This guy’s core, foundational problem is the same one of every “nice guy” – He defines his masculinity by female affection and female approval.

He needs MEN in his life. Men who can build him up, sharpen him, get him feeling powerful and capable. He needs to define himself as a man on his own terms, not a woman’s.

Men cannot feel truly loved and validated unless they first feel powerful and capable.

I’ve talked in a prior newsletter about feminine healing for a man, and it’s been super valuable in my own self-development. But the thing is – Your masculine foundational healing has to come first, or else the feminine energy in your life won’t have anything stable to ground itself on.

You cannot fucking outsource your happiness or sense of self to a woman.

You absolutely should date women who make you happier to be a man. That’s the whole point of dating, and you shouldn’t settle for anything less.

But you need to actually be a man first. Before you date women who make you happier.

Rites of passage for young boys are ubiquitious in tribal societies. They get taken from their mothers, and thrown into a situation where they must adapt or suffer. Git gud or lose respect from the tribe.

Find some rites of passage that work for you. Remove yourself from seeking a warm hug from mommy, and learn to embrace the beautiful hot fires of Hell. Masculinity is fundamentally about integrity under pressure.

Posting a sad rant on Reddit is the anti-this. Pathetic.

2. Let yourself feel anger. Bitch at your wife if you have to, out of truth.

(disclaimer: I’m obviously not advocating for abuse here. I’m advocating for honest emotional expression)

After a lifetime of repressing your feelings to keep other people comfortable, an “anger phase” is a necessary step in your cognitive growth. (not its endgame!)

You’ve just been holding it in because you’re scared of appearing to be the bad guy.

Fuck you.

Let yourself be the bad guy for once, and be okay with it.

Another fundamental of masculinity is commitment to truth, and if the truth is that you’re pissed that you’re not getting your emotional needs met in your relationship, speak it aloud for what it is.

Get openly mad at your wife for not honoring your emotional needs. Piss her off. Don’t be afraid of her disapproval.

JUST TELL HER THE FUCKING TRUTH.

NEVER LIE TO HER.

This anger is an immature form of boundary-setting, but it’s miles ahead of the quiet resentment and misery a “nice guy” lives in.

Learning to communicate your boundaries and to act on them in more refined, healthier ways will come with time. First, you need to acknowledge your pent-up frustration for what it is, and be okay with it.

Take a step towards living a life of self-respect, or forever say goodbye to your manhood.

I’ve said what I want to say here.

I won’t validate cowardice. Men who actively choose a life of quiet misery aren’t welcome around me. If that’s you, fuck off.

Men who’d rather seek out mentorship to become stronger, happier, more aware, more integrated, more loving men… No matter their circumstances, no matter their individual traits… If that’s you, you’re exactly who I want to work with.

I‘ll give you the right balance of “get your shit together” and “you deserve love; you’re amazing as you are” in my coaching. You need both these forms of healing to reach your full potential as a man, and to open a woman’s fullest self to you.

You’re an innately valuable, innately masculine man who CAN get the women he most craves. You just have some BS, trauma, false programming in that handsome head of yours stopping you from being aware of your full potential with women.

Let’s undo it. Let’s make you my next client who makes years’ worth of progress in mere months, and ends up not with an energy drain of a wife he settled for, but with exciting, pretty women who are pleased to please him.

Fill out the form and we’ll go from there.

– Ben


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