A not-so-cute meet-cute

I’m sipping an espresso as I’m writing this. At the same cute little cafe where I had a newsletter-worthy people-watching experience earlier this week.

I live-tweeted it, but for those of you who are too fucking lazy to click a damn link cause your parents didn’t raise you right, here’s the Sparknotes version:

A guy and a girl who seemed to be in their late 20s met at this cafe. They talked a bit about work and stuff, then the girl offered to exchange numbers, and decided to meet up another time.

Hell of a story, right? Do you dream of meeting a very cute someone at a cafe by pure chance?

As much as the guy was acting stoic and cool, I could tell the experience was giving him a lot of tension. He was anxiously pacing around the room on a phone call soon after his girl left. Energy doesn’t lie.

The girl was really engaged with him, acting cutesy and bubbly and opening herself up to his advances, even advancing on him when he wouldn’t take the hint.

I bet they have high hopes about the consequences of this caffeine-fueled meet-cute. But sadly for them, I’m a dating/sexual energy coach with close to a decade of experience studying this shit in the field, failing and fixing and fucking.

Barring the possibility of increased self-awareness (something I don’t trust people above the age of 25 to choose to carry if they aren’t already), this meet-cute will result in a dull, draining, depolarized dynamic between these two.

If I wasn’t so self-aware, I too would think they were destined for an amazing romance.

So here’s my favorite thing to do as a dating coach:

DECONSTRUCTING AND NITPICKING.

Let’s go.

A house without a foundation

Let’s start with their looks.

The guy was tall and solidly built. A bit of extra fat, a bit deconditioned, but the muscle on him communicated that he’s been in better shape than this. Was probably a high school/college athlete who gave up the game after graduating.

The girl was about 5’5″, thin but in the genetically-determined way, not in the athletic way. She had a pretty face with clear skin and healthy hair. Type of girl who’d look best in a lab coat and a pair of spectacles.

These were decent-looking people, not models but still above average.

(Girl wasn’t really my type either. Some guys like ’em thin like her, but I personally prefer curvy, thicc girls. I’d sooner go for Christina Hendricks in her prime than the blonde and beautiful Yvonne Strahovski. While there’s some universal things about women all masculine men like, we all have our subjective preferences in a lady’s looks)

Overall, their looks were a plus. No major flaws, no turn-offs for them in that domain. They’re physically attractive. Not extremely so, but enough for it to make a difference.

Their energy was what really exasperated me.

Big, strong, and stoic as this guy was, he had the bare freakin minimum of masculine sexual energy radiating from him.

The girl liked him a lot, but it pained me to see HER being the one to lead every stage of the interaction forward. She was even the one who suggested exchanging numbers and hanging out later. The guy was just passively sitting back and letting her take him, say whatever she wanted to him. Even when she was leaving the cafe, she re-engaged him with a bubbly and cute vibe, and he played it way too cool, acted more like a friend to her than a potential lover.

(still, she’s not going to friendzone him just yet; she likes his body and she’s already boxed him into the “potential cute boyfriend” category)

I used to have this same problem in dating – sexual shame. I’d play it way too cool around girls I really, really wanted (who were into me too, in hindsight!) and lose out on them, instead of escalating like a man.

Luckily for this big, strong guy, his girl had game. She wasn’t going to let him go so easily, and in the end, she brought out just enough feminine energy to close him and hook him.

Thanks to her quick thinking, this connection didn’t end up missed.

After she left, I almost wanted to chat the guy up and be like “hey bro, nice job getting that girl’s number!” And perhaps give him some pointers on how to spark some tension with this cute little lady 😉

But I held my tongue. No unsolicited advice for him.

I doubt this guy would ever listen to me.

But I read him like a children’s picture book, so I’ll give my thoughts to some amazing people who are open to hearing them – you lovely newsletter subscribers of mine 🙂

I’m going to tear this guy right fucking apart.

Stoicisim is unmasculine

That there is one major issue of his. Like many men today, he’s been conditioned to equate masculinity with stoicism, emotional repression, being closed off. His father was very likely the same way. And now he’s dealing with a compartmentalization – his emotional side vs his “masculine” side. Part of him feels deeply, another part tells that part to “shut the fuck up and be a man. Emotional expression is feminine”(I used to think this same way, and repressing my emotions for the sake of keeping up a masculine image led to a suicide attempt for me, so don’t try emotional repression at home or anywhere, gents)

Masculine energy is an intense emotional radiance. It’s a penetrative force. It pushes. It moves forward. And this guy, big and tall as he was, didn’t act like he had a functioning penis.

Stoicism is impotence. It’s spiritual limp-dick energy. Emotionally repressed men DO NOT penetrate women’s hearts and souls, nor the world.

I could say a lot more about anti-masculine social conditioning, past failed dating experiences that must have put cracks in this guy’s confidence, or general nitpicks about his behavior. But I’m 99% sure his sexual shame and hesitation have a simple root cause.

He jerks off.

This guy had a sexually depolarized vibe. He couldn’t handle tension. He avoided it. He never expressed his sex to the girl. He never let there be silences or disagreements in the conversation. They mainly just shared the details of what they do for work.

This conversation was very comfortable, but not very polarizing. The girl led it. The guy just passively sat back and let her take him for a verbal ride.

He was afraid of her losing interest in him.

And so he played it super cool. Fell into her frame. Probably went home and jerked it to some porn that night for an emotional release.

If he’d pushed just a little, teased her a little, complimented her on something feminine of hers, she wouldn’t have just been engaged in their conversation. She would have been a horny sex kitten for him, and so so much more attracted and submissive. But no, she took the lead in bringing out her feminine energy, and sadly for her, he didn’t respond with any of his own masculine. He still sat back, too afraid and ejaculated to act on the tension.

That didn’t kill their dynamic though.

She liked him.

And for that, she let his lack of penetrative energy slide. She saw deeper potential in him beyond his stable job and his burly build, and wasn’t going to let him go.

Why though?

Biggest tell WHY she liked him – they mostly bonded talking about work. This was logical, routine conversation they could have had with anyone, but it sure revealed a lot about their socioeconomic class and lifestyle.

Their dynamic is primarily built on social attractionThat’s not to say their looks/sex and individuality don’t matter here, BUT

The main reason they’re attracted to each other is because it logically seems right for them to be with each other. Their energy is primarily concentrated in their heads, so thank FUCK the girl managed to channel a bit from her sex in the end. They’re of aligning social strata, in the same stage of life, and because of that, they’ll rationalize a lot of reasons why it’s just “the right, proper thing” for them to be with each other.

That’s not a good thing.

Give it a few years, and if they stay together, it’ll be a “well, I guess it’s good to have someone around” type of relationship – all comfort and mild desire that’s entirely dependent on their superficial looks. A lacking sex life, hidden resentment that they’re ashamed to show, and many years of wasted time; time they could have spent doing the work and becoming more sexually aware, integrated versions of themselves.

Unless the guy was to humble himself and work with me. Then he could very well have an inspiring, mutually empowering, lasting relationship with this girl.

He’d make a shitty, low-quality client though. And that’s if he’d be willing to reach out to a mentor in the first place.

Beneath his huge build, I felt his fear. I felt his limp dick energy. I felt the fact that he was unwilling to humble himself and learn.

Guys get a girl flirting with them, then think they know everything about getting girls. They get a girl’s number, they take her out on dates, even get into a relationship, and they’re a success with women, right?

“look at me everyone, I have a GIRLFRIEND”

Then as the years go by, he settles more and more. His girl loses her sexual luster, her desire for him. He becomes complacent, living the same year over and over again. He wrongfully assumes commitment to a woman is the finish line of his masculine self-development. This is the origin story of dull middle-aged men with beer bellies and bored wives who’ve let themselves go.

Is that a life you want to live, dear reader?

Or do you want to re-ground yourself in your masculinity, and have your relationship to the feminine get more and more loving and vibrant with every year that goes by?

Here’s the difference between him and my past self who’d ALSO have sexual shame, who’d close up around the girls he REALLY wanted, who would have settled for a depolarized relationship if he could get one. Who felt powerless with women and nearly lost all hope of ever getting with a girl who really got him going.

Every time I’ve had a girl problem, I’ve openly admitted it. I’ve taken complete responsibility for it.

I’m good with girls because every time I was wrong about how to deal with them, I humbly admitted it, shut the fuck up, and listened to men who knew more about the game than me.

When I was afraid to act, I did it anyway and always learnt something valuable for it. Because I valued my growth and development over my comfort. I chose making mistakes and learning over staying safe and stagnating.

My results: Pretty feminine girls only. I never have been, and never will be trapped in a shitty relationship ever. I don’t date or attract anything less than a 7, anything less than a generous girl who’s ready to follow me and please me.

So if you’re ready to work with me, here’s the type of man you need to be:

I don’t care whether you’re afraid, hurting, traumatized, inexperienced, hopeless, physically flawed, or clueless. I don’t care how many years you haven’t been living up to your fullest potential. I’ve been all that myself. I can relate. You’re not alone in the slightest.

What’s important to me is – you also need to relate to the feelings of responsibility and the need to forge thyself.

I don’t care where you started or where you’re at right now.

I care about how much you’re disgusted by the idea of settling for less than the best you can get.

I care how much of a fuck you give about taking action, being courageous, learning new things, and actually doing something to change your life for the better instead of sitting around complaining about it or passively settling for what you’re given.

I care how badly you want to go out there and take action with the women you REALLY want, rather than waiting for FedEx to ship them to your doorstep.

If that’s you, fill out the form and I’ll see you in coaching! 🙂

Cheers,

– Ben


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