How to open an unfamiliar woman

It’s a meme in “manosphere” Twitter:

“How would you open?”

*photo of a woman who will almost certainly never know the poster exists*

Now if you know me, you know I like to study the art of the cold approach.

I’m one of those gents who’s actually saying hello to the pretty girl checking out the steaks at the grocery store, instead of getting into a circlejerk fantasy about it in his bedroom.

“That’s not the only meat you’re gonna be eating tonight, babe”

(don’t actually say that to a girl you’ve just met!)


Quick, simple, tactical email for you boys today.

You already know what it’ll be about!

There’s two ways to do it!

Direct vs indirect approaching

Do you show your interest upfront to a woman, through a compliment usually? Or do you strike up a casual conversation about something outside your interest in her?

Both these approaches work. They’re both good tactics for your arsenal. But depending on the context and on what kind of man you are, one can work better than the other.

Direct approaches lead with a massive amount of sexual tension, tension that you or she may not be fully equipped to handle.

Indirect approaches build the tension more slowly. They’re more “under the radar” when it comes to your sexual interest, so they’re easier for most men to do.

Let’s talk about context first.

Indirect is almost always the method you should go with in a casual social setting – ex. Chatting up the cute barista at the cafe, the girl you met through a friend at the party, the girl on the street trying to get you to donate to charity. Basically anywhere you must adhere to social norms to keep things stable. Direct approaching is very much a “nuclear option” in these cases, which you should only use if you’re CERTAIN it’ll work.

Indirect approaching has one big advantage over direct approaching – it’s easier for you to slowly feel the girl out and eject yourself quickly if the vibe ain’t there.

It’s easily done ANYWHERE, and has few downsides. All you have to do is strike up a conversation with the girl about something outside her that’s caught your eye. (ex. “I see you’re reading 1984. Is that for school?”, “that’s a pretty cool vintage car, eh?”)

Or it can be something neighborly like “how’s your day/night going?”

The intent is simply to open yourself to her and see if she’s interested in a chat. Then if she is, open yourself more, show sexual intent eventually. And it’s easy to eject if she ain’t feeling it.

Now, when should you direct approach? When should you open a girl with overt, socially calibrated sexual intent? (ex. “Excuse me, but I just wanna say you’re really pretty”)

When it comes from a place of radical honesty. And when you can trust her to handle the tension.

This’ll usually be on the street, where there’s no larger social context informing your behavior. In these cases, you have to make your sexual intent known early, as there’s no image or social ecosystem to protect by keeping it sheathed. Better to flatter the girl earlier than later too 🙂

Keep in mind that your compliment has to be genuine. You can’t just throw a canned line at her and expect her to bite. Don’t tell her she’s gorgeous if you think she’s only decently fuckable at best. She’ll smell the incongruency and be turned off for it.

You have to feel visceral sexual tension for a girl to make a direct approach effective. This congruency is necessary to make her bite, and to invest in the conversation. At least in my experience.

A couple exceptions to building tension as a must-have in your opener:

1. Immature girls who can’t handle tension.

I did one such approach a while back. Shy college girl at the mall. Directly opened her. Massive tension created. Switched to comfort-building to make her feel, well, comfortable obviously! But she froze. Didn’t know what to do with me, even if she was following my lead, focusing on me, staying present…

Here’s the thing, gents: A BIT of tension is necessary to get a girl attracted to you, but again, don’t drown her in it! Which was my mistake there; not calibrating for HER tension-carrying capacity. (I’ve done other direct approaches where the girl was talkative and invested, so that was my frame of reference there)

Handle inexperienced girls gently. They’re not used to men approaching them like this in such a context, so the tension, sexual as it is, can easily scare her off, as it’s not something she’s had practice holding on to.

Remember how YOU used to feel around pretty girls when you were inexperienced?

I did my first ever daygame approach when I was around her age. Start of second year of university. Very fuckable Belgian international student at the laundromat. I did it indirectly and was still nearly shitting myself from the tension. I didn’t know what the fuck to say to escalate it, and never ended up showing sexual intent outside trying to number close her but getting her Facebook instead. I didn’t do another legit cold approach for about a year and a half after that.

So I know the feeling.

2. Men whose game should be heavily oriented around comfort.

If you’re a guy who ALREADY passively creates tension with women, a direct approach could drown the girl in tension and not give her much room to breathe. For these men, indirect approaches even on the street are often the best option.

Fundamental formula to get women: Tension + Comfort = Attraction

Whichever one you’re lacking passively, you need to build actively. But we’ve already gone over that in the piece I linked there.

Whether you struggle with tension, comfort, or both…

Whether you’re a virgin who’s never even kissed a girl, or you’ve had your experience but aren’t quite sure how to get to the level above it…

Whether you want to learn how to approach and escalate confidently and comfortably, or how to go deeper with the girl(s) you’ve already gotten…

My coaching is the premium service that’ll get you exactly where you need to go.

Fill out the form when you’re ready to be my next client success story!

Take care,

– Ben

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