We’ve all heard, and perhaps taken to heart this common piece of dating advice:
“You need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else.”
I mean, it makes sense. Needy men disgust women, and if they get with women, those women are similarly needy.
And as anyone who’s ever dated a chronically unhappy woman knows, 1. You’re tolerating her because YOU’RE on her emotional wavelength, and 2. It’s not fun.
Plus if you’re into self-improvement, then the idea that you should work on yourself whether or not you’re with a woman is a no-brainer.
Now here are some quick and simple, yet profound words from Dovid Feldman that appear to contradict this:
“No. We cannot be happy by ourselves.
We are born to connect – to love and devote ourselves to each other.”
Seeing that got me thinking – “How happy (or not) should you really be before pursuing women?”
It’s a hell of a question. So here’s Dr. Foth’s answer:
You don’t need to be happy before pursuing women, but you do need to be responsible
That’s what both Dovid’s wisdom and that conventional wisdom are getting at.
It’s completely unreasonable to expect yourself or anyone else to be perfectly happy. Life sucks sometimes. Random bullshit that wrecks things for us comes out of nowhere sometimes. We all have our BS that’s holding us back from being our fullest selves. That’s that.
It’s perfectly reasonable to expect responsibility for one’s own unhappiness though.
I’m pretty sure you already know this, but you need relationships to be happy. We CANNOT be happy completely by ourselves, as Dovid said.
So duh, you absolutely should date women who make you happier. That’s the whole damn point of meeting them. And if this happens to be a woman who turns your life around and ends up being integral in making you a happy, integrated man, awesome!
That’s what guys fantasize about – meeting a cute, giving woman who offers a relief to their masculine burden of performance and gives them something to live for beyond it.
But why wait for her?
Do some anima work, and you can perform feminine healing on yourself without the need to find a woman for it (and get that healing much later than you could otherwise). I’ll teach it to you in coaching!
And when she does come around, shit test the living fuck out of her to see how responsible she really is (willing to be) for herself.
Because few things can ruin your life as a man more than committing to a woman who’s okay with settling. Not just for you, but for being an inferior version of herself.
But she’ll never be perfect. Nor will you. Don’t rationalize avoidance as virtue, and self-sabotage with women over minor things.
Even if you’re not in the best shape, broke, you live with your parents, you’re inexperienced with women, you have trauma and baggage and dissociations…
You should still be pursuing the women you desire.
Any “I should do x before getting women” thinking is a transactional mindset that will become an ego-preservation mechanism to keep you away from rejection, which is actually a GOOD thing.
You should still pursue women when your emotional world isn’t perfect, but…
Don’t dump your emotional needs onto women.
Because that’s the making of a toxic relationship – expecting another person to be responsible for your burdens.
And if you want to have nothing but healthy relationships, where both people have their BS like anyone, but support each other through it while being completely responsible for their own…
The deep psychological work we’ll do won’t be easy, but it’s a premium product. Would you rather live your precious young years with trauma swept under the rug, that covertly hurts all those who walk on it? Or would you rather clear that out, and have the prosperous, mutually empowering dating life your highest self deserves NOW?
If you’re scared to invest, both in me and in yourself, then I hope you’ll enjoy staying where you are now.
Or you can choose a month of acute, intentional pain and growth – for a lifetime of power and prosperity in your dating life and with your mental health.
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