How to set boundaries without being a meanie

A lot of people suck at setting boundaries.

When someone crosses a line, disrespects them, they passively, politely tolerate it. Keep passively, politely tolerating it, hoping the bad behavior will end soon…

Then it doesn’t. They have enough, and they flip out, exploding their repressed anger onto their target. I’m sure you’ve been on either end of this situation before. It’s a shitty, low-vibration way to be.

Not enough people understand that there’s a middle ground between politeness and aggression. You can assert your boundaries around someone who disrespects you without being fake-nice or a meanie.

I talked about this on camera first, then I decided it’ll be newsletter fuel too.

I, and every other man with balls and a heart, does this:

Lovingly calling out bad behavior ASAP.

I don’t yell or get in their face or argue.

When someone disrespects me or violates my boundaries, I ask them

Why’d you do it?

Why are you acting poorly?

This works, gents.

It works a hell of a lot better than directly telling someone what you will and won’t tolerate from them, which has its place later on.

You’re setting a boundary without antagonizing them.

People don’t like being treated like they’re the bad guy in a situation. Did you know that?

Force only creates counter-force. Aggression only creates counter-aggression. How many times have you wanted to smack the shit out of someone who’s even simply spoken aggressively to you but held back cause it just wouldn’t be worth it?

This doesn’t only prevent unnecessary conflict…

It invariably reveals what kind of person you’re really dealing with.

If they’re a normal, emotionally strong, good and imperfect person, they’ll take some time to honestly self-reflect and consider their actions’ consequences when you calmly tell them the truth.

If they’re toxic and/or weak, they’ll make a bad guy of you for not treating them like they’re perfect.

Good people can treat others poorly because they don’t know any better. But unlike genuinely bad people. they’ll take responsibility for their mistakes once they gain some awareness.

And in these cases, conflict can be conducive to revitalizing your relationships!

Boundary-setting made sexy

Boundary-setting is one of THE most important skills you can have with women. It stops manipulative girls from getting involved with you, screens them out quickly if you do end up dating one, and makes healthy, honest women who also have healthy boundary-setting skills feel safe with you.
Every woman who likes you will test your boundaries to see what they’re really made of. 

She won’t do this aggressively or be antagonistically pushy. That energy is a sign of a toxic person, and you should keep away from women who emanate it, even if it indeed factors into their “shit tests”. Unless you want a low-vibration dating life with shitty women, that is.

A shit test from a high-vibration, healthy woman will feel warm and viscerally inviting beyond her challenges. These women CRAVE a man who can set boundaries like how I’ve told you to.

Not just that.

She’ll be setting her boundaries the same way. Calmly, directly, early, honestly. Giving you an opportunity to make things better when you do make a mistake.

Date these women.

They’re the ones who’ll enrich your life, should you want to be your happiest self.

And run like hell from the ones whose idea of boundary-setting amounts to either uncontrolled, explosive aggression, or shutting down and ignoring you, hoping the problem will go away for it.

These are women who don’t want to be happy, healthy, or loving. No matter what fake-nice words they dress their reality up in.

So gents, always be testing women for their integrity. Have a one-strike rule for toxic behavior she doesn’t own up to, because the best predictor of someone’s future behavior is their past behavior.

I didn’t follow this advice recently, and now I’m currently homeless without 99% of my material possessions for it. Learn from me.

(Don’t worry about my safety btw. I have income and money in the bank. I can afford a roof over my head in the short-term)

You can’t see someone objectively when you NEED something from them, whether it’s approval, money, sex, or in my case, housing. Otherwise your lower survival-seeking self takes over and ignores/rationalizes the red flags.

So when you’re evaluating a woman’s character, ask yourself 3 things:

1. Who are her friends?

She didn’t accidentally befriend them.

2. How does she treat someone who can do nothing for her?

That’s how she’ll treat you when problems inevitably arise in your (future) relationship.

3. How does she act when life doesn’t go her way or makes her uncomfortable?

That’s what this whole email was about.

But even if you’re a good guy who understands this criteria on a logical level, you may have blind spots that will invite bad women into your life. I learned the hard way recently that I still have some, and have been painfully, radically honest about them since. No other way to grow.

It’s time to be painfully, radically honest with yourself:

Which women are you getting?

Do they truly make you happier? Do they truly make you feel more like a man? More like yourself?

If not, then it’s time to see me in coaching and do the work.

Confronting yourself this intimately is painful. But it’s a quick reset to your broken heart, followed by a lifetime of joy and competence with high-quality women.

You know what’s even more painful than that? Living the rest of your life with your truths swept under the rug, and getting what you deserve for it – mediocre women.

Fill out the form when you’re ready to be my next client success story!

– Ben

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