Why grief hurts

I’m at the mall right now, sitting at a table. People with shopping bags and stuff are walking past me.

I almost cried. Had tears in my eyes right before writing this. I wanted to buy myself a cool hat like the ones I’ve worn in my last couple PFPs on Twitter.

But I couldn’t find a clothing store I liked anywhere in the mall, or anywhere in Miami. So I sat down and let the tears flow. I silently bitched to myself about how there aren’t any clothing stores in Miami I like.

Clothes are a stupid, petty thing to cry over, right?

Unless you’re a teenage girl.

But I was straight-up grieving over a few things I’ve lost – the hat, my favorite coat, and my favorite shirt especially. I told you what happened a few emails ago. I’m facing an unexpected trial.

I just want my lost belongings to turn up already. I just want to settle down somewhere instead of hopping between a bunch of places.

But I’ll tell you why I haven’t pulled the trigger on filling out apartment applications real soon. First, I’ll tell you why I’m grieving.

I’m not grieving over my lost clothing. I’m grieving over my lost identity.

Replacing my lost clothing is as simple as finding the right stores.

I didn’t have tears in my eyes because I can’t be as fashionable as I normally am, nor because there’s no clothing stores in Miami I like. Even if there were, I’d be self-sabotaging about actually buying myself anything I like from them beyond the bare essentials.

It’s because I’m in transition, and life is forcing me to let go of a now-outdated version of myself. I’m grieving the version of myself who’d express his identity through his fashion.

What am I leaving behind? Certain mindsets, ways of looking at the world (and myself), sources of pride that have been holding me back from being my fullest self.

I’m grieving the version of myself whose season is over, who will never grow if I keep being him. His time is up. I need to act like it, and figure out who I’m supposed to become now.

Where am I going? I don’t fucking know. I can’t predict the future. But it’ll be a good one.

I don’t know if my lost belongings will turn up, but before they do, I need to grow as a man and as an individual.

I need to learn who I am without certain comforts in my life.

And perhaps you do too.

You don’t need someone in your life to have died for you to grieve. Haven’t you had moments in your life where you’ve grieved over a broken-up relationship, a lost friend, a lost ambition or adventure or season?


Grief means you’re living

Ever been absolutely distraught over a girlfriend breaking up with you, wondering how/if/when you’ll get her back? As she’s already moved on to riding another dick?

That was me with the first few girls I dated. I would have severe emotional breakdowns over them.

When they all dumped me after ONE DATE.

The problem wasn’t that those girls didn’t stick around and see value in me. The problem was that I was an emotionally fragile, sexually needy guy.

These experiences weren’t CAUSING me my girl problems. They were REVEALING them.

Same for this one I’m going through right now. Remember I told you my first thought upon losing my housing was which damn park bench I was going to sleep on, when I had the money in the bank to afford temporary housing anyway?

I didn’t suddenly start treating myself like I only deserve the bare minimum. I became AWARE of how I’ve been treating myself like that the whole time.

That’s the purpose of loss, gentlemen. The real reason it hurts so bad when you lose something or someone important to you isn’t because you no longer have them.

It reveals what about your identity was DEPENDENT on it/them. Hell, I’ve lost family members and thought “I’ll be fine; they lived their life” after a bit of initial grieving and crying before I moved right forward. I love them, but my identity wasn’t invested in them.

Grief is your cue to grow. Grief is a blessing. It hurts because you unconsciously know that staying in old, outdated ways of being will hurt even more.

Now it’s time to learn what you have to, and move forward.

I wouldn’t have wizened up to how sexually/emotionally needy I really was many years ago, and done the work to become more sexually empowered, if I didn’t have a bunch of girls and associated failed dating experiences I’d pathetically grieve over reflecting it to me.

I wouldn’t have wizened up to how much of my potential as a man I’d been wasting as a selfish, image-obsessed, degenerate party boy if I didn’t have years of regret after regret after regret weighing on me, making me wish I could go back in time and do college completely differently.

I learned there that revolving my identity around my image, vanity, and social status was a shitty way of being. No wonder I was poly-addicted when my social life was at its most abundant. I didn’t actually enjoy living by those shitty values, and I ended up choosing better ones after hitting rock bottom.

And now, what the hell am I supposed to learn by losing every material thing I’ve brought to Miami besides a backpack, my computer, phones, chargers, IDs and stuff, one set of clothes, and a few other things?

Guess I’ll find out as I live my life.

Truth is, I’m not filling out apartment applications nor replacing my things because I don’t want to be out of this pickle just yet.

I still have something to learn from this that I’m not yet consciously aware of, and whatever it is, it’ll help me take one step closer to reaching my fullest potential as a man, and just as importantly, my fullest potential as MYSELF: Ben Foth.

What about you, dear reader?

The cool thing here is that I can’t see myself completely objectively, self-aware as I choose to be. I actively seek mentorship myself for this very reason. I’ve spent 4 figures on it. Way more 4 figures than I charge for coaching. I think of the lessons I’ve learnt from mentorship literally every day. Nothing has transformed my life and manhood for the better as much as mentorship has.

But I can see YOU objectively. I can give you a sharp, focused perspective on every little thing that’s going wrong in your dating life and sexual energy mastery, especially the things you’d never be consciously aware of if it weren’t for an experienced coach like me.

For that reason, every client who’s invested in working with me so far has ended up seeing massive gains in his dating life/relationship after ONE MONTH or even ONE CALL of working with me. Just look at my testimonials. 🙂

So what are you waiting for?

Are you really gonna carry all that grief and trauma in you forever? Unaware of the potential you have to alchemize it into massive gains in your mental health and dating life?

Or will you think “you know what, I’d grieve some money I can easily make back much more than many years of living beneath my full potential” and pussy out of a coaching program that’ll demand you go deep, challenge yourself, and learn a whole lot that’ll easily, naturally attract you the women your highest self deserves?

I say this so you become self-aware about what matters most to you. Holding on to something easily replaceable? Or letting go of it, and jumping into a season of uncertainty and learning, with faith that awesome women and other things will come your way? (they will!)

What are your fucking values?

See me in coaching if I align with them.


– Ben

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